Oh yeah...

I'm thinking of adding more people to this blog and keeping it up more regularly since I am going to embark on my next big trip!

Rome, Jerusalem and... PITTSBURGH, PA!

Okay, so it's *slightly* anti-climactic, but I will be having my very first apartment, living on my own, navigating a new city, and really who wouldn't want to follow those adventures?

I *will* be making them into epic adventures. Do not doubt this.

Besides, I have to cook for myself- that's a catastrophe waiting to happen.

Or I might just cause a boost in the cereal industry.

Either way, time to update on LIFE.

Graduation is May 28th, 2010. I'm a bit bummed because it's stupidly on a Friday on MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND. Really, Holy Cross is arrogant, thinking everyone and their Mom can take off work for lil ol' me.

So I felt uncomfortable asking people to come and made almost no announcement about it, nonetheless my father and a very good family friend and her son are attending out of sheer love. I am sure others would love to attend out of sheer love too. So. Ten AM at Fitton field if the weather is nice for 2-3 hours o' boring name calling and a commencement speaker whose name I can't remember. See, guests are unlimited if they hold it at the football field. And so far so good on that note. Oh, and there's a BBQ afterward. My last chance to prance around in my cap and gown before I have to return it.

I *know* I should be more excited about this. Really. I just don't know how to make a big deal about myself! Darn this modest soul I have (ha!).

Also, I have completed my first week at my new job, as an official 9-5-er.

It kind of "sucks" to put it crassly. To be honest going from four years of having small 3-4 hour shifts at work and classes that lasted no more than 2.5 hours MAX (seminars) is actually pretty difficult. It takes adjustment to get used to eight hour blocks of being in one place, doing one job. And my job has no variation. Or human interaction involved. So from college classrooms full of discussion and being surrounded by people, it's been a tough transition. Also I already know I need to be around people. I am not a cubicle girl.

So this summer will be a challenge, but I guess an important adjustment too.

Then I'll run off to grad school and forget all about what it's like to work full time and have to start over in a year. I'm so practical.

Oh yeah. Grad school. Well, until very recently I had my heart set on going to UNC. But, being the number one school in the country meant they didn't NEED to offer financial aid (and didn't). So, that was a let down. Luckily (so so so luckily) The University of Pittsburgh MORE than stepped up and offered me a GREAT 6 credit merit scholarship, WITH an internship and it's a 3 semester program, done in a year which minimalizes cost of living expenses.

So I will be graduating having spent LESS than half of what it would cost (all expenses included) to go to UNC.

THAT'S something to get excited about.

And I am taking a trip there with my Dad at the end of June to find an apartment. Terrifying? YES.

But then I get to decorate.

Also, today while blissfully wasting time on the internet I discovered the amazon.com "wishlist" function while looking for a way to bookmark my silly little wants. I had no idea it was actually meant to store wish items for OTHER people to buy for you!

But most of the items are SO unpractical that I don't think I could justify actually using it for that purpose- even with graduation and a birthday coming up. Not when I *should* be asking for practical things. Like... a new laptop. Ha. Mine has been begging me to let it go for my senior year. My fiance Chris has been engaged in a never ending battle to keep it going.

But what I *really* want is a parasol.

Why? Because. I have a new hobby of sorts.

Remember that long ago post from December (http://romejerusalemandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/12/growing-up.html) about wanting to be creative and doing it in the wrong way? About getting out of hand and not being a good role model? Well I've found a better way to create amazing images, stuff that I could show to anyone.

I've been debating on how much I should say about it to be honest. I'm kind of paranoid about negative feedback, as some find me bringing it up immensely egotistical. It's totally legit and nothing to be ashamed of. I've tried few *for fun* modeling shoots. Basically I work with Photographers for free to update their portfolios. I get pretty pictures. In some cases free clothing. I don't think I'll ever have the skills, the body, or get paid so I wouldn't call myself a model per say, but I would say I've gotten involved in some hobbyist modeling- also because it's not something I'm going to do long-term/full time. But even so, I've had nothing but fun.

This is all legitimate by the way, I'm not meeting with with strange men- I'm going through legitimate, professional photographers with studios and releases. I've even gotten some professional prints. Unfortunately, I didn't know *what* to do with pictures of myself so i gave some to my grandmother on my father's side! The others are just laying around somewhere- i'm not even sure where! I'll have to up my narcissism I guess! Except... I've completely stopped wearing makeup and contacts except for shoots. I actually barely look in a mirror except to see that I'm neat and kept up enough for work. Oops.

And I never go alone even to someplace legitimate, and respected, simply because.

Example shot:




See? Nice, classy stuff.

My friend Val is a makeup artist who underwent a certificate program and is trying to get together a portfolio so these days I almost always go with her to be a model for her work because she can actually make a living off of this! And I really want to see her start getting paid and getting real clients! So for now while she's new she can count on me to model her fine make up skills!

This is probably jut a summer thing, but it's been very fun. And I'm trying to modestly and slowly let people know about it because it's starting to become something I really like.

So, that's life at the moment. Boring job, fun hobby, exciting future move.

And graduation. Oh yeah. That. I keep forgetting.

For my other half, with love.



Miscarriage

I did not know what to say
Or how to heal you
In the bright glare of the hospital lights.

It was the second time now
And you seemed so broken
That nothing could make it right.

I wanted to take those shining tears
You would not cry (you were so brave)
And make them into crystal shapes

To make you smile again.
Today I woke up and wished
I could take your pain,

Wrap it up nice and tight,
Paint it gold and turn it into hope.
I wanted to color you a future

Of happiness and white out
All your disappointments.
But I still don’t know how.

My hugs seem hollow
And useless in the face
Of death and crushed hopes.

But now I know you’ll heal
Without the golden ball of hope
I don’t know how to make, or

The crystals shapes I do not have to give
Because last night you showed me your
Strength in those tears you did not cry

In the pain you did not let win
and it was more brilliant
Than shining crystal and gold,

And I know you will be okay.


Flyleaf- Fully Alive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d3RYW0YoEk

Grad School update!

So. First big news in a while.

I was accepted to UNC Chapel Hill for Grad school (my first choice).

Unfortunately, the financial aid info and figures have not come in yet, so I cannot say where I will end up. Also, I should probably at least wait to hear from the other schools. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. Or get overwhelmed by the thought of looking for housing and arranging for my first time REALLY living away from home.

That's pretty scary. Okay, really terrifying. But it's exciting that I was accepted into a phenomenal program and that my future is starting to take shape. And all my hard work is finally paying off. Which motivates me to keep it up!

Now, everyone hope I get floods of mail about financial aid and offers from other schools so I'm not waiting around to make things actually HAPPEN!!!

I feel such exciting news should warrant a longer entry, but really that's about it for now. Ironic. I've been waiting so long to be able to post about grad school and now I find I haven't got much to say...yet.

News!

Hello all,

Time for an update in the life of Amy.

I have a summer job. Not ANY summer job, but a full time, PAID summer job at...*drum roll*

The American Antiquarian Society.

Even though I couldn't give them a definite end date since I don't know about grad school yet, I gave an estimate and promised more concrete details further on. I was so nervous applying, even though it's a summer position for college students, it's still a fairly competitive position and carries plenty of weight on a resume. It's pertinent experience at a reputable research library that's nationally recognized! So of course I still needed to send my resume and a cover letter and I was SO NERVOUS.

The assistant who I work with now said upon graduating college she got a job in special collections somewhere even though she wasn't exactly what they were looking for- they told her that already having hands on experience at the American Antiquarian Society had put her over the other applicants so she got the position!

The man who I emailed said they were planning two projects and he wasn't sure which they'd have me working on yet (he said they'd decided based on which had greater interest to ME when they got more details. How nice is that?!) but he ended the email with "Congratulations-you have a summer job!" so I'm guessing it's pretty solid.

I'm excited to be actively working in my field this summer. I'm so glad to be using all my time productively to get experience at every chance and not have to waste time at a summer job at the mall! It's so great that I'm being productive and giving myself an edge AS I get my degree that will hopefully make it easier to get a job when I get out of school (degree+plus experience seems to be a winning combo).

I'm so excited. I LOVE the people at the AAS, and it's an amazing place. If you ever have a chance, check out the website- it's incredibly impressive!! They have fellows doing work there from all over the country!

Furthermore, having a full time job will allow me to put away money for supplies I'll need for grad school- like miscellenous furniture, books, professional wardrobe. I will be able to get myself all set up!

Here's hoping more good news is soon to follow!

Good News

I am excited! My internship is beyond awesome. See, the woman who supervises me is always thinking of me- knowing what I want to go into!

Today she approached me with the possibility of working with the head of manuscripts. She explained that they had to lay off his assistant a year ago and there are PILES of manuscripts that need to be organized and boxed. She asked if I would like to dedicate one of my afternoons each week to helping do that. Since I want to ultimately work with archives, this would be great experience. Sure, it sounds awful intimidating (piling up for a YEAR?!), but of course I jumped at the chance.

Then she says with a sly smile, that she did of course have ulterior motives. Since this guy is a big shot in the archives scene, if i do more projects with him I can use him as a reference- and people will definitely sit up and take notice. Oh I was overjoyed. I wanted to be like thankyouthankyouthankyousomuch! YOUARETHEBEST. But of course, I politely thanked her for thinking of me in a more professional manner.

Then she asked what I was doing for the summer. I said nothing, but I'd heard there were some jobs around for the summer. And she emailed the guy I would be working with to ask him about summer jobs.

He said there would probably be some cataloguing positions and data entry jobs. And that I should send a note to the man in charge of hiring. "Note" translating into resume and cover letter of course! (omg my first professional application of my post graduate life!) And the woman in charge promised me I'd get glowing references from everyone in acquisitions of course!

I am hoping to do some work cataloging since it's more pertinent to experience I'll need. But dude, paid summer job! At a reputable research library! More experience, more references, more knowledge, and PAY!

I am all hyped up and nervous! I also don't know how to mention that I don't know when I will be leaving for whichever gradschool I am going to. I need to ask around on if i should bring that up now, later, and how and where.

I am just bouncing with gratefulness. She also mentioned teaching me a few important things to know just for the sake of teaching me- which is super nice! These people are really great! So that's so very nice news. I think I need to calm down some before starting my cover letter. I know it's just a summer job- but hey- it's a GOOD summer job!

=D Hope I get it!

I dont think I need to say what inspired this after my last entry. It was written quickly, very rough.


Sometimes

Sometimes it comes down to crying
Until the thickest, darkest makeup
Has been turned into grayish smears
In strange blotchy shapes under your eyes.
Then it’s time to take that shuddering,
Exhausted breath, make a cup of tea,
And move on. Because sometimes,
All you can do is say I’m sorry;
I was wrong in the strongest voice you can manage,
And then again, silently, inside,
To yourself. (That part always has to come next.)
Sometimes, fixing it is about remembering to breathe
Until it blows over. About meaning when you say
It wont happen again.
Sometimes, when there is no blowout,
No yelling- just concern and uncomfortable
Confessions, sometimes that’s when it’s the hardest.
When you understand the other side more than your own,
When there is no argument on your tongue,
When it’s about realizations and mistakes-
Those are the talks you remember most,
And those are the times that teach you that
Sometimes the hardest parts of growing up
Happen in the quietest ways.

Growing Up.

Sometimes, I think we all need a reality check.

Recently, I was thinking I had everything pretty under control, and for the most part, I do- on paper. But sometimes we all make stupid decisions. No, I didn't get arrested. Or thrown out of school. But I did get caught up in the recent phenomenon of the likes of celebs like Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a few other internet celebs who have recently begun getting media attention for pushing the status quo. Or something. I wont lie-I KNOW Lady Gaga weirds people out- sometimes she even does things that offend. It seems like it's the next big thing.

Now I for one, have never been into whatever the "big thing" is at the moment- but this has got me for some reason. I have always been into "gothic" style- real dark make up- chains, baggy clothes- stuff that weirded people out. And when I was a teenager I guess it was a very teenager thing to be into- right? How this started or why I cannot even trace. But recently I have been having a hard time letting it go and the recent popularity of these crazy celebrities was bringing out my inner 16 year old something fierce. I guess I wanted to become my own brand of gothic flashy. I really wanted some cool, outlandish pictures of my own.

Now, when I say outlandish, I mean prop wise. Make-up wise. Black make-up is one thing, but posing with tools and kitchenware is another. But in my mind it was so Lady Gaga- so weird and possibly unflattering- just what I thought the world needed in a sea of Britney Spears. Personally, I find the likes of Lady Gaga refreshing, unexpected and innovative- sometimes in the wrong ways- but that's why I was attracted to her and it was my motivation for trying to develop a gothic version of her style. I wanted to go against the grain in all sorts of ways. I remember writing "I wanna be bizarre and experimental!" and in my head- that's what it was. Experimental. Apparently, I didn't stop long enough to realize "experimental" can be done tastefully with symbolism and subtlety. But, being 21 and dazed by the media- I grabbed my digital camera, my black make up, and whatever gothic outfit i could find and ran off to show the world I was DIFFERENT too.

However, just like experimental doesn't have to be shocking- different doesn't have to be outrageous. Or distasteful.

Oh the things life teaches you. The hard way.

I suppose a little piece of me wanted to be provocative too. Not sexually so- I would never show skin to do so. But yes, provocative- it was that defiant inner 16 year old who wanted to rebel again the norm peeking her head out.

Anyway- so I ran around for a day. Made Christmas photos with knives and axes in a short black skirt. In my head it was a grand project culminating in innovation that went against norms and was my very own gothic brand a'la Gaga.

What it was in REALITY- was a collection of pictures that made me look mentally deranged, possibly emotionally unstable and definitely not a good role model for the younger memebers of my family. And THAT I want way more than whatever vestiges of my inner 16 year old was pining away for, waving mental images of celebrities across my mind.

Furthermore, that kind of action gets celebrities more record sales, magazine covers and attention they use productively.

I however, am an aspiring LIBRARIAN who hopes to go to grad school next fall. And provocation is not the way to get there. Nor is it a way to make my family proud. And that has always been my greatest achievement- making my family proud. It's how I measure my successes. They probably don't realize that- oh well, maybe they do. I have always been star struck by my older cousins- for far longer and in a far, far deeper ways than this silly pseudo obsession with the likes of Lady Gaga and her contemporaries. I have aspired to lead a life like theirs. I can't do that if I insist on indulging my inner sixteen year old. Nor can I if I fail to be the kind of example that makes my extended family proud to lead my younger cousins the way my older cousins led me.

Oh wait, story isn't over.

I posted my pictures on facebook. Yes. the internet. Granted a somewhat private aspect of the internet- the internet is nonetheless the internet. And facebook was where everyone I cared about was. And here I was, still not seeing what these pictures were REALLY portraying.

Here, I would like to say I soon realized that they were inappropriate and unprofessional and soon took them down.

I cannot do that. I was approached by someone I loved very much who was very uncomfortable about them. With every reason, especially considering the brash way I displayed them.

And well, then I saw them for what they were and the consequences they had- not just on a future job but in my mind- more importantly- by affecting how my FAMILY was seeing me.
It was then, I really did see a whole other set of pictures. I felt foolish and naive, and very, very much like a sixteen year old. Sure, I hadn't gone out and found a sketchy photographer and gotten explicit photos of myself that would forever haunt me but by my standards- this was just as bad.

And so, I was given a reality check. About who I really want to be, and what's important to me. About growing up and leaving whatever inner sixteen year old need I have to follow the lead of crazy celebrities BEHIND ME.

This is about realizing I have my OWN identity- my academic acheivement is something I want to define me much more than an adolescent style I haven't been able to let go of.

This post has been very important for me to type out- it's really allowed me to cement my new found goal of learning from this- and moving forward into being a professional, mature young woman.

I will end by admitting, I have had a reoccurring conversation with Chris about how conflicted I have been about leaving behind the style of my youth. Not because I do not want to grow up but because I have always felt beautiful in the outlandish makeup and clothing, I have felt most honest when basing myself off those outlandish figures that I considered to be beautiful and stylish. And I know that the world does not agree with heavy black make up, chains, spikes and ill fitting clothing as what is acceptable. I want to succeed in a career and I do not think dressing professionally is the end of the world, however, I was still clinging to that style- unwilling to let it go for whatever reason.

However, I think this helped. Honestly. I needed to be able to see that style through the world's eyes. And in seeing it through a concerned family members words I was able to understand where everyone else is coming from, and how they see that- "provocative" style I was going for.

When it comes down to it though. I want to be a respected librarian more than anything else in the world. I want to be admired as I admired my cousins. And now I'm ready to become that person. That conflict really was an issue for me- and these photos was a manifestation of it in the worst of ways.

So this blog is a reflection about reality checks and growing up and figuring out who you are or want to be. It's about realizing I'm not that grown up yet but it's time to put the pedal to the metal on THAT goal. And it's about being thankful for those who provide those relaity checks.

Oh- by the way- the pictures are gone. And grad school apps are in. And maybe, I'm a teeny tad bit wiser now than I was a few hours ago.