GRADUATION

So, today was THE DAY.

I was up early- 7 AM, sure to be ready. I was too nervous to have a solid breakfast and really not much changed until I was actually sitting on the field.

It was only walking onto the field that I started tearing up. I was handed a program and saw my name with (Magna cum Laude) next to it. Normally, I thought I would even be a bit disappointed about not making Summa- only because I was pretty close (a B freshman year kept me from it) but seeing how few got honors (cum laude) at all, nevermind magna/summa put things in perspective and I was just immensely overwhelmed by what I had achieved. Then standing and looking up at the stands as the crowd cheered and clapped for us before we sat and began, again I had to control myself and not cry. It was just a powerful feeling, seeing all those people here in the stands, just because we had made it four years.

Except, not "just" - for the first time, I kind of felt like what I had done was a big achievement. In the back of the program I was listed for two special senior class awards. I had my Dana Scholar pins on and my Sigma Tau Delta Honor Society cords hung around my neck- I had done some exceptional stuff.

Still, going up and getting the diploma was a bit uneventful. The commencement speaker was okay. I liked the Valedictorian speech. I was mostly excited to see my dad after wards and Nancy and C.J who had come. We went to the BBQ reception (which had no vegetarian options for sandwiches! HC STEP UP!) and it was so packed with hundreds of people. It just felt amazing to be part of something so BIG.

I got to take pictures and chat with my mentor and favorite professor a significant amount and that was really important. Chris came straight from school to be with me which was very important to me. It was small and nice.

To be honest, I really can't wait to see my extended family and some other friends to celebrate. I'm pretty bummed HC had the ceremony on a Friday and on memorial day weekend at that.

The whole time before graduation I wasn't overly worried about people coming, or making a fuss. I was really pretty unexcited (nervous- yes) but I just, I didn't know it would be so important until it happened.

And I never really felt as proud of myself as other people have. Everyone tells me how immensely proud they are of me, but doing well in school has just been what I have always done, and what I need to do, and who I AM. It never seemed extraordinary to me.

It never seemed like something I should expect people to fawn over.

But when I saw how few students had those honors, it made an impression. I just kind of didn't understand why so few had Magna/summa cum laude. I was really the minority. I was someone...special?

I consider myself *fairly* modest. And even when I do feel proud of myself I feel guilty for "bragging" or worry about making other people feel bad who haven't done as much or as well as I have. Even getting into grad school just seemed more like a wise choice than an achievement. I mean, lots of people go to graduate school, so I never really put any thought into what it takes to get in with a (partial) merit scholarship.

But today I just let myself say to my dad- "Dad did you see how few students got Magna cum laude?" Yeah, I said THAT.

Because I was proud of myself. Because although I still don't see myself as an overachiever (it's just what I do...I do well...) I felt something today that I don't usually feel.

And I wanted to share it with people. And for the first time I think I will feel comfortable when people congratulate me. I don't feel bad about telling people I graduated Magna cum Laude because I did SOMETHING to earn it- didn't I? I SHOULD be proud. It's still odd to really want to go out of my way to tell people, and maybe a bit arrogant, but less than it normally would feel.

Really, I could blog about the details of the day- but this whole, feeling proud of myself thing is really the biggest part of my day. And wanting to celebrate with people in my life in a really bad way. I remember tons of people coming to my highschool graduation and then i felt nowhere NEAR the pride I felt today- I only wished it could have been the other way around and maybe I should have tried harder to get people to come- said something to people, made a bigger deal of it. But really, before today I didn't GET how much it meant to me. At all. At least I have future plans to do something to honor it. But for now I guess this blog will do- after all, I guess it was a big day, if it even made an impression on ME.