Tomorrow begins Week Five

Every time I actually realize it's only been a month I find myself shocked. It feels like I have been in grad school for so long, forever even.

The middle of the week was my low point. Unhappy did not cover it. I was irritable, cranky, depressed and spent the morning crying into my coffee and wanting to go back to bed. I wouldn't eat. I stuffed a granola bar into my bag and left the house for a full shift without breakfast and only that to eat. I thought bleak thoughts and felt bleak. I felt ungrateful for everything and longed to escape without having to quit or fail anything.

Luckily, I work with a wonderful woman. It is just impossible to be mopey around her. Though the work can be tedious and I had a bit of trouble focusing that day, I went home in a better mood and was just fine at work. I also went home knowing I couldn't live like this anymore. And the only one in my way was me (However, I am a huge, stubborn, near impossible to move obstacle).

I went home and signed up with a meet-up group for photographers and models in Pittsburgh. My application to the meet-up group is pending, but they don't seem to do large or very involved shoots and have regular ones about once a month. Just signing up made me feel that maybe having something to look forward to would be a ray of sunshine in my life.

While I haven't heard anything I'm hoping I can jump on an event now and again. I need a hobby more than anything, and my workload can go to... well you know where. I am (trying to be) through letting it dominate my life and well being. If I get mediocre grades but can manage not to drop out, I will have to forgive myself for that.

It's hard, because I know I could be phenomenal. In this first month I have read and read and always finished the books before all my peers. They have been in shock. I started my assignments early and did nothing but work so that I could be sure I was doing my very best.

I signed up as the business manager of the preservation student group, I eagerly spoke of attending conferences and worried about the job search.

I desperately want to be that over achiever, I want to be that girl who is PHENOMENAL. Accepting a lesser standard feels like it would crush my soul. I want success and the best of choices. I want to not have to worry about someone better getting the job. I want to be employed and successful and a shining star.

To *just* get the degree, it seems to be slacking. Even though to earn the degree you can't get below a 3.0. But if I just earn the degree, then i will be among hundreds and thousands who have done the same. How will I emerge above them in the competition? How can I possibly stand out from the crowd? I thought having a masters would do it, but every time I get to the next level, I find myself surrounded by equally qualified people who will serve as competition. It worries me to no end.

It will be a year long battle against myself to lower my standards because nothing terrifies me more.

This weekend I worked Friday, finished a book and wrote a rough draft of a paper and fiddled with two more. I did some research, ordered some articles via Interlibrary loan and then...

I took Saturday off. I went to a Renaissance Fair. I took the ENTIRE DAY OFF. And I felt marvelous. Chris and I had a wonderful day. I felt myself again. One day of freedom and I felt like a million dollars.

Today though getting back into work mode was hard. I emailed a partner about a project, and a read for a few classes without really retaining anything. Instead of working more and harder, I baked some cookies and took a trip to the bank. I was just so happy not working that dragging myself back to it felt like putting on a ball and chain.

In undergrad work never felt so utterly draining before. Getting in and out of work mode happened easily.

Now I face my week knowing my papers would have been better had I used Saturday and today to focus on them. I know they are messy and mediocre and not my best work.

I am torn and as the week sets in my rejuvenation is fading. I know I can't be perfect on some level, but on another level in undergrad, I felt like I came so close. To accept less now seems like failing when I know what it's like to have that GPA, that resume, that REPUTATION.

Yes, it's a bit narcissistic I guess. But it's more that fear of competing for jobs and success. I hear last year's intern who got the degree is still looking for work. It's a hard market out there. All I want is a job. The fear of not finding one upon graduation paralyzes me. I keep thinking, if I work harder, if I am better than I MUST be able to get a job...but if I don't do everything in my power to bolster my GPA/Resume/references/networking/experience... someone will beat me out!

And how can I argue with that?