Today, while browsing something I came across this line:
The stars, I've been told, have never cared for anyone but themselves.
It was a rather sad section of a story, this line was preceded by the narrator looking at the sky and knowing that if the stars were to disappear he would be left with only an expanse of inky blackness. The personification of stars would normally be seen as a bit “mushy” or overly sentimental but I find the tone and content of the line provides a wonderful juxtaposition with the very act of personification. Instead of taking comfort in the presence of the stars and romanticizing their light, the story ends with the narrator unable to take solace in some romanticized notion of starlight shining down on him, providing escape from complete darkness. No, while the preceding line about the starless sky hints at some sort of uplifting realization of the stars presence, the author chooses to part from what one would expect making this line much more powerful. The stars’ personification is not used as a means for the narrator to comfort himself in a moment of pain, but instead gives insight to his jaded character that only sees the stars as unconcerned with his woes. That the character only sees the stars as a detached and unconcerned presence shows an inability to wrap himself in the foolish notion that their light is meant to provide comfort against the dark of night. However, all of this comes from a mere hint in the line above which, through the juxtaposition of an overused, somewhat sentimental writing tool (personification) and a jaded, logical tone shows a man who is either unable or unwilling to find comfort in the world around him. It makes it a much more sad story when the last line is examined for what it may say about the character. So much so that I sat down to examine what I personally thought the line was meant to imply. It also made me want to write. So I began to look up some more inspiring quotes. The below I happened to stumble upon from D.H Lawrence:
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
“I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets”
“It is no good casting out devils. They belong to us, we must accept them and be at peace with them.”
“But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions.”
This small excursion away from my workload made me realize how much I miss writing. Not blogging, as that is hardly an art, but truly expressing myself in an eloquent manner, pondering things. I almost wanted to do a character sketch. So I think I shall. This snippet is based on a girl who walked in front of me for a few blocks today:
She wished she had brought a bag, rather desperately, at that moment waiting to cross the street. At least then no one would see the umbrella clutched in her hand which she held close to her side, as if that would hide the offending object. She was also cursing the brightness of her purple rain boots and the thickness of her obviously-made-for-winter winter coat. Normally they would be a source of smugness, as she defied the elements. She was one of those perpetually prepared people and so of course when the weather promised rain and a high in the low 50’s she donned the appropriate attire. Yet, now she squirmed at the corner of Forbes and Murray, feeling like a fool as the sun shone overhead. The weather for her city had promised rain and yet here the sun shone with white fluffy clouds not two blocks from her house. No one else seemed to have taken any glance at the morning weather report, walking about in light cotton shirts and jeans, not a single hand holding a folded up umbrella. Not even just in case. She cursed them for somehow being more in-tune with mother earth than her (rather useless) weatherman. When the small white walk signal finally appeared she took off for the other side of the street eager to escape what seemed to be the feel of a million stares. Or at least a dozen or so. Trying not to speed walk past the Dunkin Donuts lest she look even more ridiculous, she glanced at her fellow pedestrians. Not a single rain jacket, she mentally cursed Weather.com for causing her to stick out like a sore thumb. She felt it was almost as bad at wearing a sweater to the beach. Passing the commercial portion of the street into the residential area, she sighed with relief at the sudden lack of people also walking down the street. When her house came into view she marveled at how strange it was that a bit of sunshine could make it seem such a welcome relief.
Yes. I noticed this girl today. I could tell she had looked at the weather because so had I. Only I also looked out my window and realized it was horribly wrong. This poor girl had gotten ready and gone outside in good faith however, and was trapped bundled up for trudging through rain…on what actually was a warm sunny day.
However, the quotes also made me rather anxious about my lack of a hobby and waste of time it seems. I always worry that I will get hit by a bus and will have spent the last 6 weeks being rather unhappy, bogged down by schoolwork. I worry that I will be in some tragic accident and realize I have not made the time to do things I love, and see the world around me, and take time off to have some fun. The quote “But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions,” worries me as my life has become monotonous and unexciting. I do not call or see friends. I do not go out. I do not DO much aside from schoolwork.
Isn’t life meant to be more than that? Were we really given a limited about of time on this earth to squander it making ends meet, studying things we don’t want to, and generally not enjoying it?
Sometimes I wonder how justifiable it is to defend this year when I’m really not feeling like I’m living life to the fullest. Should I get hit by a car/bus/train/falling plane, let it be known that I worried about this. And as unlikely as that is, sometimes I wish it didn’t take some terminal disease diagnosis for people to accept putting responsibility aside when you feel you are not doing what you love or enough of what you love or living as it was meant to be. When a person is dying, it seems only then does it become terribly important to get their bucket list done. Until then, it is often put aside in favor of more important things, or worked in only if/when other things have been done.
Go to school, get a job, save money, buy a house, support kids, when that’s done and you retire, then you travel, then you live the life you’ve always wanted to. It's as if one must pay their dues, work hard in order to have their fun. Like you must earn it. I think there is something horribly wrong with this model because it assumes everything will go according to plan and when we are 65/kids are in college/we cash in on savings that presumably still exist, that we can really start to live.
What if we don’t get there? What if the kids move back home, our savings is used for a disaster, we die before we reach 30?
What good has been putting responsibilities first then? And sure, you may say but you can have fun while still tending to your responsibilities, life does not have to be nonstop work. But oh my friend so much easier said than done! Even the best laid plans go awry. And that balance is hard to find. One step over the line and some responsibility has been neglected and you must pay for your fun. There is a thin line and it’s not so easy to find room on the to do list for fun. It sounds so simple, putting aside a little time for some fun, but what if there is simply too much work? Once the schoolwork is done, the chores must be done, groceries must be bought, vacuuming and dishes and laundry, and I am only trying to get what I mean when I say sometimes it’s rather easy to become bogged down by responsibility and put aside fun for later. Even when you plan fun in, it often has to pushed til later. And later. And later.
And then you get hit by a bus and there is no later.
How easily we forget the ephemeral nature of life. Or even worse, we do not forget, and ignore it because we have things that have to get done, ephemeral nature or not! Simply put, in the face of realizing you may die tomorrow, the assignments/rent/bills are still due, food is still not free, and embracing life will just have to wait for when you have more time and money.
This worries me.
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