I dont think I need to say what inspired this after my last entry. It was written quickly, very rough.


Sometimes

Sometimes it comes down to crying
Until the thickest, darkest makeup
Has been turned into grayish smears
In strange blotchy shapes under your eyes.
Then it’s time to take that shuddering,
Exhausted breath, make a cup of tea,
And move on. Because sometimes,
All you can do is say I’m sorry;
I was wrong in the strongest voice you can manage,
And then again, silently, inside,
To yourself. (That part always has to come next.)
Sometimes, fixing it is about remembering to breathe
Until it blows over. About meaning when you say
It wont happen again.
Sometimes, when there is no blowout,
No yelling- just concern and uncomfortable
Confessions, sometimes that’s when it’s the hardest.
When you understand the other side more than your own,
When there is no argument on your tongue,
When it’s about realizations and mistakes-
Those are the talks you remember most,
And those are the times that teach you that
Sometimes the hardest parts of growing up
Happen in the quietest ways.

Growing Up.

Sometimes, I think we all need a reality check.

Recently, I was thinking I had everything pretty under control, and for the most part, I do- on paper. But sometimes we all make stupid decisions. No, I didn't get arrested. Or thrown out of school. But I did get caught up in the recent phenomenon of the likes of celebs like Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a few other internet celebs who have recently begun getting media attention for pushing the status quo. Or something. I wont lie-I KNOW Lady Gaga weirds people out- sometimes she even does things that offend. It seems like it's the next big thing.

Now I for one, have never been into whatever the "big thing" is at the moment- but this has got me for some reason. I have always been into "gothic" style- real dark make up- chains, baggy clothes- stuff that weirded people out. And when I was a teenager I guess it was a very teenager thing to be into- right? How this started or why I cannot even trace. But recently I have been having a hard time letting it go and the recent popularity of these crazy celebrities was bringing out my inner 16 year old something fierce. I guess I wanted to become my own brand of gothic flashy. I really wanted some cool, outlandish pictures of my own.

Now, when I say outlandish, I mean prop wise. Make-up wise. Black make-up is one thing, but posing with tools and kitchenware is another. But in my mind it was so Lady Gaga- so weird and possibly unflattering- just what I thought the world needed in a sea of Britney Spears. Personally, I find the likes of Lady Gaga refreshing, unexpected and innovative- sometimes in the wrong ways- but that's why I was attracted to her and it was my motivation for trying to develop a gothic version of her style. I wanted to go against the grain in all sorts of ways. I remember writing "I wanna be bizarre and experimental!" and in my head- that's what it was. Experimental. Apparently, I didn't stop long enough to realize "experimental" can be done tastefully with symbolism and subtlety. But, being 21 and dazed by the media- I grabbed my digital camera, my black make up, and whatever gothic outfit i could find and ran off to show the world I was DIFFERENT too.

However, just like experimental doesn't have to be shocking- different doesn't have to be outrageous. Or distasteful.

Oh the things life teaches you. The hard way.

I suppose a little piece of me wanted to be provocative too. Not sexually so- I would never show skin to do so. But yes, provocative- it was that defiant inner 16 year old who wanted to rebel again the norm peeking her head out.

Anyway- so I ran around for a day. Made Christmas photos with knives and axes in a short black skirt. In my head it was a grand project culminating in innovation that went against norms and was my very own gothic brand a'la Gaga.

What it was in REALITY- was a collection of pictures that made me look mentally deranged, possibly emotionally unstable and definitely not a good role model for the younger memebers of my family. And THAT I want way more than whatever vestiges of my inner 16 year old was pining away for, waving mental images of celebrities across my mind.

Furthermore, that kind of action gets celebrities more record sales, magazine covers and attention they use productively.

I however, am an aspiring LIBRARIAN who hopes to go to grad school next fall. And provocation is not the way to get there. Nor is it a way to make my family proud. And that has always been my greatest achievement- making my family proud. It's how I measure my successes. They probably don't realize that- oh well, maybe they do. I have always been star struck by my older cousins- for far longer and in a far, far deeper ways than this silly pseudo obsession with the likes of Lady Gaga and her contemporaries. I have aspired to lead a life like theirs. I can't do that if I insist on indulging my inner sixteen year old. Nor can I if I fail to be the kind of example that makes my extended family proud to lead my younger cousins the way my older cousins led me.

Oh wait, story isn't over.

I posted my pictures on facebook. Yes. the internet. Granted a somewhat private aspect of the internet- the internet is nonetheless the internet. And facebook was where everyone I cared about was. And here I was, still not seeing what these pictures were REALLY portraying.

Here, I would like to say I soon realized that they were inappropriate and unprofessional and soon took them down.

I cannot do that. I was approached by someone I loved very much who was very uncomfortable about them. With every reason, especially considering the brash way I displayed them.

And well, then I saw them for what they were and the consequences they had- not just on a future job but in my mind- more importantly- by affecting how my FAMILY was seeing me.
It was then, I really did see a whole other set of pictures. I felt foolish and naive, and very, very much like a sixteen year old. Sure, I hadn't gone out and found a sketchy photographer and gotten explicit photos of myself that would forever haunt me but by my standards- this was just as bad.

And so, I was given a reality check. About who I really want to be, and what's important to me. About growing up and leaving whatever inner sixteen year old need I have to follow the lead of crazy celebrities BEHIND ME.

This is about realizing I have my OWN identity- my academic acheivement is something I want to define me much more than an adolescent style I haven't been able to let go of.

This post has been very important for me to type out- it's really allowed me to cement my new found goal of learning from this- and moving forward into being a professional, mature young woman.

I will end by admitting, I have had a reoccurring conversation with Chris about how conflicted I have been about leaving behind the style of my youth. Not because I do not want to grow up but because I have always felt beautiful in the outlandish makeup and clothing, I have felt most honest when basing myself off those outlandish figures that I considered to be beautiful and stylish. And I know that the world does not agree with heavy black make up, chains, spikes and ill fitting clothing as what is acceptable. I want to succeed in a career and I do not think dressing professionally is the end of the world, however, I was still clinging to that style- unwilling to let it go for whatever reason.

However, I think this helped. Honestly. I needed to be able to see that style through the world's eyes. And in seeing it through a concerned family members words I was able to understand where everyone else is coming from, and how they see that- "provocative" style I was going for.

When it comes down to it though. I want to be a respected librarian more than anything else in the world. I want to be admired as I admired my cousins. And now I'm ready to become that person. That conflict really was an issue for me- and these photos was a manifestation of it in the worst of ways.

So this blog is a reflection about reality checks and growing up and figuring out who you are or want to be. It's about realizing I'm not that grown up yet but it's time to put the pedal to the metal on THAT goal. And it's about being thankful for those who provide those relaity checks.

Oh- by the way- the pictures are gone. And grad school apps are in. And maybe, I'm a teeny tad bit wiser now than I was a few hours ago.

So, I haven't updated in a long time. Not much has happened. Well I took the GREs, and I actually did okay on 'em. So that's splendid news. I'm driving my roommate to take them tomorrow, and I really hope she does well too. I've watched her study for so many weeks I'll be almost as crushed as she is if she doesn't.

I got my lowest grade of my college career today, and normally I wouldn't advertise this but I dont really agree with it. It's on a 1-2 page DANCE class response to a show we saw. And really not a huge assignment, and I didn't half ass it, but maybe the powers that be decided I couldn't go through my entire academic career without getting some form of a C, and better to have it happen now than in grad school. That's the take I'm taking on it. It's a lesson in humility or something that must happen before I move on to bigger things. Only since I really dont agree with the grade, I don't think it's working.

However, in the class I most expected to be getting such grades (on much more important assignments), literary theory, I am doing quite well, somehow.

In other news, I just wrote a poem about my mother that actually really really got me sad. Which is weird, my own poems rarely make me sad, but this one made me remember something I had nearly forgotten. I'd post it but I think it would make a lot of people sad too, I dont want that.

In good news: I have a gorgeous senior ball dress!

In bad news: My lovely boyfriend chris has the flu and it got so bad that it affected his asthma so much that he couldn't breathe. His parents actually called an ambulence and texted me while in class, which made me FREAK OUT for the last fifteen minutes of class. Well, long story short they didn't take him because he's contagious and they dont want flu people in the ER. Luckily they were able to help him and get it under control at the house. I cant even see him though, feel like such a bad gf, but really everyone is telling me to stay away. Which I will. He'll be better by senior ball, but if i get sick after him, it will be bad news!!!!

Since it's rather late I think I'm going to cut this short, have to be up early after all to drive roomie to her GRE appointment because I am just so incredibly nice like that.

Bye!

Exciting News!

I am a featured student reader chosen to represent Holy Cross at the Massachusetts Poetry festival 2009. Check out the link to see my bio featured on the Worcester County Poetry Association's website!

http://wcpa.homestead.com/MASS_POETRY_FEST_2009.html#anchor_72

Silly lil drama-queen moment.

This is probably a poem that will never see a more finished version as it's a bit (read: very) melodramatic, tongue in cheek, cliche with a hint of truth type of thing. Inspired by my coffee cup and a day of GRE studying. Just for fun, no real skill in it (though I do like the end=P). I put this out there for giggles, please dont judge me as a poet based on it, lol.

I can see my advisor crossing out line after line but what the hell, it was fun to write. Dedicated to all the college seniors out there, haha.


Our blood is turning to coffee
As we all suck it down by the pot.
But it seems these days even the caffeine
Saps my energy, this dark liquid
Becoming the epitome of wishful thinking.
This year is my anemia, leaving me
Lethargic and wistful, for the days before
These standardized tests took my name,
Tattooed a number on my skin
To submit humbly to the overlords,
Who decide what seems like life and death.
Wisdom has been supplanted,
For 12 point font, one page only,
Resumes are the new IQ
As we fight for what crumbs
Are left to offer, the warehouse is empty,
This is no golden age. Nervousness
Has given way to paranoia,
A save yourself mentality,
Clothed in a business suit and heels.
I’ve got debt, bills to pay,
Socrates, what use are you-
If you can’t keep me employed?
We’re working towards exhaustion
Hollow, ringed eyes, bloodshot,
Coffee breath, panic attack prone,
Here’s to a promising future-
We are the face of tomorrow.

Just gave a dramatic reading to the roommates and pondered sending a copy off to career services who seem to induce panic attacks daily!

=(

So today, two minutes before my alarm went off I woke up. I stretched my arms above my head and then turned my head to the side and then-

CRACK.

And I was hyperventalating in pain, a stabbing pain shooting up the left side of my neck into my skull. My roommate sat up in concern as I was hyperventalating unable to articulate what was wrong. Slowly I sat up and the pain dulled. But then cautiously I tried to turn my head and wham- pain hit.

I soon figured out I could barely move my head up and down or to the left at all without severe pain that left me gasping.

However, it is a Sunday and Chiropractors aren't open. Soon, out of concern my roommate offered to drive me home in a desperate attempt to see if my dad could help me get help. I couldnt even manage to shower, and getting dressed included more sharp pains and gasps. I was miserable and worried.

Once home my dad opened the phone book looking for any chiropractor with an emergency number since our own one didn't pick up!

Luckily a man who works five minutes from our house agreed to see me even though I am not an established patient and the office was closed. He even had to bring his son in with him but he came and opened the office up for have a look at me. Thank GOD.

Well, it was some strain/sprain type of deal. He x-rayed and tried to do adjustments but couldnt even get me in a position where he could work on me in the most minor way. The smallest movements induced pains that had me crying out, and literally in tears. I hated it. I can sit through hours of tattooing without crying or whimpering or anything, not the biggest baby- yknow? I rarely even go to a doctor but it was so intense it was an involuntary reaction when ever the slightest move brought on this pain.

Basically he tried to do what he could to relax the muscles to stop the horrible spasms of pain but ultimately he said i definitely could not lie down, my neck is unable to extend whatsoever and even just sitting or standing the weight or my head on my neck is causing more damage. So I cant sit up, cant lay down.

I have to be reclined at just the right angle that I am not in pain, and once I find that I must ice my neck for twenty minutes at a time every waking moment I can. And not move. Except I have to to get new ice packs. When standing or sitting I hold my head awkwardly forward and to the side and even propped on a pillow I hold it an an awkwad angle because I am so scared of causing mysef pain. So even when not experiencing spasms my neck aches horribly, like there is just no way of being comfortable.

So after that we went to get some ice packs and home to find some way of having me reclined somehow for long periods of time. My dad also has a very bad back so luckily he had this very special foldable back chair that reclines so he let me take that back to my dorm. But I pretty much might have to sleep in it because even if I could lay down in a bed you move too much and I would turn over and wake up gasping in pain. So I need to either be on a couch or reclining chair type deal to sleep, and not laying down but propped.

So here I am stuck in a chair. Even getting up to change ice packs is an ordeal as i move slowly and cautiously so as not to risk the small movement that could set off spasms, they have happened twice so far and are just as bad as this morning. I grimace and have to breathe in and out and not move until it passes and the pain fades. I hate being stuck in a chair, cant drive cant walk around. Thankfully one roomate is still with me or else I would be all alone stuck in a chair. Tomorrow I wont be able to go to my internship and Tuesday I wouldnt be able to dance in my dance class. It sucks.

Also I hate asking people to get me things. I wish Chris were here because I wouldnt feel bad about asking him to help me but he is somehwere very important with his family. I wont lie I'm pretty jealous, even though I couldn't go anyway, now my plans for the day are canceled and I am stuck in a chair.

I dont really feel comfortable enough to really focus on schoolwork and really just want to sleep so I dont have to feel the uncomfortable feeling/pain but I must keep icing. Sitting in a chair and icing.

He also found some mild arthritis in my neck which he said at my age there should be absolutely no sign of that no matter how minor, and now it is mild/minor but just the fact that it can be seen is probably not a very good sign. At all.

I dont want to be crippled =( I dont want to have scoliosis that makes things like this happen more easily than in everyone else. I dont want to be stuck in a chair while my roommates and the rest of the world goes about it's daily life!

Stress

So, there really isn't much to update on except work beginning to pile up.

I have rough drafts of seven poems for my thesis and need at MINIMUM thirteen for each semester. So if none of them get thrown out, which is very unlikely, I am in good shape. However, I have a bad feeling about these poems and this thesis is already making me very stressed as I really don't like what I've written for it so far and am much less inspired in general than I was in my poetry classes. It seems I have to constantly really search for something to write on and then I dont really like the end product anyways, even after reworking several poems tediously. The emotion just isn't in them anymore. This is not promising.

As for grad school apps, they are on hold for now as I need to basically wait until my GRE test and then resume is finished as those are the next steps. I am trying to get the resume looked at this Thursday. Most of the logistics are done (entering info, making online application accounts) and I have a rough draft of an essay which will probably need to be butchered over and over, but it's a start. Then come getting the recs. So, resume, GREs, essay and recs. Probably in that order. I just am impatient to have it all settled and done with, I dont like it hanging over my head. Also, the GREs are positively petrifying, I'm so scared I won't make the minimum score for UNC.

My first paper looms, due Oct 2 and we haven't gotten an assignment yet. It's for Literary Theory, a class which I feel most uncomfortable in. Extremely boring and soporific (GRE word!) and I still don't know the point of the class at all. It's been all philosophy so far and so I'm at a completely loss as to what I'm supposed to be gleaning from it in terms of literature and/or theory. What theory? No one has uttered the word theory since Day 1. Have I been in the wrong class? What scares me is I can't fathom what this paper will be on, much less actually writing an intelligent paper for this class. And my advisor is urging me to get a grad school rec from THIS professor.

Which I'm totally for -_- Or not.

Lastly, I thought work would calm down with a new woman in the office taking over the admin assist. position. However I have work up to my ears! I will be busy my entire shift and have projects that will take days. Will this never end? And I didn't get my last paycheck which isn't exactly very motivating.

So I'm a little stressed, mostly over lit theory and GREs at the moment.