I dont think I need to say what inspired this after my last entry. It was written quickly, very rough.


Sometimes

Sometimes it comes down to crying
Until the thickest, darkest makeup
Has been turned into grayish smears
In strange blotchy shapes under your eyes.
Then it’s time to take that shuddering,
Exhausted breath, make a cup of tea,
And move on. Because sometimes,
All you can do is say I’m sorry;
I was wrong in the strongest voice you can manage,
And then again, silently, inside,
To yourself. (That part always has to come next.)
Sometimes, fixing it is about remembering to breathe
Until it blows over. About meaning when you say
It wont happen again.
Sometimes, when there is no blowout,
No yelling- just concern and uncomfortable
Confessions, sometimes that’s when it’s the hardest.
When you understand the other side more than your own,
When there is no argument on your tongue,
When it’s about realizations and mistakes-
Those are the talks you remember most,
And those are the times that teach you that
Sometimes the hardest parts of growing up
Happen in the quietest ways.

Growing Up.

Sometimes, I think we all need a reality check.

Recently, I was thinking I had everything pretty under control, and for the most part, I do- on paper. But sometimes we all make stupid decisions. No, I didn't get arrested. Or thrown out of school. But I did get caught up in the recent phenomenon of the likes of celebs like Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a few other internet celebs who have recently begun getting media attention for pushing the status quo. Or something. I wont lie-I KNOW Lady Gaga weirds people out- sometimes she even does things that offend. It seems like it's the next big thing.

Now I for one, have never been into whatever the "big thing" is at the moment- but this has got me for some reason. I have always been into "gothic" style- real dark make up- chains, baggy clothes- stuff that weirded people out. And when I was a teenager I guess it was a very teenager thing to be into- right? How this started or why I cannot even trace. But recently I have been having a hard time letting it go and the recent popularity of these crazy celebrities was bringing out my inner 16 year old something fierce. I guess I wanted to become my own brand of gothic flashy. I really wanted some cool, outlandish pictures of my own.

Now, when I say outlandish, I mean prop wise. Make-up wise. Black make-up is one thing, but posing with tools and kitchenware is another. But in my mind it was so Lady Gaga- so weird and possibly unflattering- just what I thought the world needed in a sea of Britney Spears. Personally, I find the likes of Lady Gaga refreshing, unexpected and innovative- sometimes in the wrong ways- but that's why I was attracted to her and it was my motivation for trying to develop a gothic version of her style. I wanted to go against the grain in all sorts of ways. I remember writing "I wanna be bizarre and experimental!" and in my head- that's what it was. Experimental. Apparently, I didn't stop long enough to realize "experimental" can be done tastefully with symbolism and subtlety. But, being 21 and dazed by the media- I grabbed my digital camera, my black make up, and whatever gothic outfit i could find and ran off to show the world I was DIFFERENT too.

However, just like experimental doesn't have to be shocking- different doesn't have to be outrageous. Or distasteful.

Oh the things life teaches you. The hard way.

I suppose a little piece of me wanted to be provocative too. Not sexually so- I would never show skin to do so. But yes, provocative- it was that defiant inner 16 year old who wanted to rebel again the norm peeking her head out.

Anyway- so I ran around for a day. Made Christmas photos with knives and axes in a short black skirt. In my head it was a grand project culminating in innovation that went against norms and was my very own gothic brand a'la Gaga.

What it was in REALITY- was a collection of pictures that made me look mentally deranged, possibly emotionally unstable and definitely not a good role model for the younger memebers of my family. And THAT I want way more than whatever vestiges of my inner 16 year old was pining away for, waving mental images of celebrities across my mind.

Furthermore, that kind of action gets celebrities more record sales, magazine covers and attention they use productively.

I however, am an aspiring LIBRARIAN who hopes to go to grad school next fall. And provocation is not the way to get there. Nor is it a way to make my family proud. And that has always been my greatest achievement- making my family proud. It's how I measure my successes. They probably don't realize that- oh well, maybe they do. I have always been star struck by my older cousins- for far longer and in a far, far deeper ways than this silly pseudo obsession with the likes of Lady Gaga and her contemporaries. I have aspired to lead a life like theirs. I can't do that if I insist on indulging my inner sixteen year old. Nor can I if I fail to be the kind of example that makes my extended family proud to lead my younger cousins the way my older cousins led me.

Oh wait, story isn't over.

I posted my pictures on facebook. Yes. the internet. Granted a somewhat private aspect of the internet- the internet is nonetheless the internet. And facebook was where everyone I cared about was. And here I was, still not seeing what these pictures were REALLY portraying.

Here, I would like to say I soon realized that they were inappropriate and unprofessional and soon took them down.

I cannot do that. I was approached by someone I loved very much who was very uncomfortable about them. With every reason, especially considering the brash way I displayed them.

And well, then I saw them for what they were and the consequences they had- not just on a future job but in my mind- more importantly- by affecting how my FAMILY was seeing me.
It was then, I really did see a whole other set of pictures. I felt foolish and naive, and very, very much like a sixteen year old. Sure, I hadn't gone out and found a sketchy photographer and gotten explicit photos of myself that would forever haunt me but by my standards- this was just as bad.

And so, I was given a reality check. About who I really want to be, and what's important to me. About growing up and leaving whatever inner sixteen year old need I have to follow the lead of crazy celebrities BEHIND ME.

This is about realizing I have my OWN identity- my academic acheivement is something I want to define me much more than an adolescent style I haven't been able to let go of.

This post has been very important for me to type out- it's really allowed me to cement my new found goal of learning from this- and moving forward into being a professional, mature young woman.

I will end by admitting, I have had a reoccurring conversation with Chris about how conflicted I have been about leaving behind the style of my youth. Not because I do not want to grow up but because I have always felt beautiful in the outlandish makeup and clothing, I have felt most honest when basing myself off those outlandish figures that I considered to be beautiful and stylish. And I know that the world does not agree with heavy black make up, chains, spikes and ill fitting clothing as what is acceptable. I want to succeed in a career and I do not think dressing professionally is the end of the world, however, I was still clinging to that style- unwilling to let it go for whatever reason.

However, I think this helped. Honestly. I needed to be able to see that style through the world's eyes. And in seeing it through a concerned family members words I was able to understand where everyone else is coming from, and how they see that- "provocative" style I was going for.

When it comes down to it though. I want to be a respected librarian more than anything else in the world. I want to be admired as I admired my cousins. And now I'm ready to become that person. That conflict really was an issue for me- and these photos was a manifestation of it in the worst of ways.

So this blog is a reflection about reality checks and growing up and figuring out who you are or want to be. It's about realizing I'm not that grown up yet but it's time to put the pedal to the metal on THAT goal. And it's about being thankful for those who provide those relaity checks.

Oh- by the way- the pictures are gone. And grad school apps are in. And maybe, I'm a teeny tad bit wiser now than I was a few hours ago.

So, I haven't updated in a long time. Not much has happened. Well I took the GREs, and I actually did okay on 'em. So that's splendid news. I'm driving my roommate to take them tomorrow, and I really hope she does well too. I've watched her study for so many weeks I'll be almost as crushed as she is if she doesn't.

I got my lowest grade of my college career today, and normally I wouldn't advertise this but I dont really agree with it. It's on a 1-2 page DANCE class response to a show we saw. And really not a huge assignment, and I didn't half ass it, but maybe the powers that be decided I couldn't go through my entire academic career without getting some form of a C, and better to have it happen now than in grad school. That's the take I'm taking on it. It's a lesson in humility or something that must happen before I move on to bigger things. Only since I really dont agree with the grade, I don't think it's working.

However, in the class I most expected to be getting such grades (on much more important assignments), literary theory, I am doing quite well, somehow.

In other news, I just wrote a poem about my mother that actually really really got me sad. Which is weird, my own poems rarely make me sad, but this one made me remember something I had nearly forgotten. I'd post it but I think it would make a lot of people sad too, I dont want that.

In good news: I have a gorgeous senior ball dress!

In bad news: My lovely boyfriend chris has the flu and it got so bad that it affected his asthma so much that he couldn't breathe. His parents actually called an ambulence and texted me while in class, which made me FREAK OUT for the last fifteen minutes of class. Well, long story short they didn't take him because he's contagious and they dont want flu people in the ER. Luckily they were able to help him and get it under control at the house. I cant even see him though, feel like such a bad gf, but really everyone is telling me to stay away. Which I will. He'll be better by senior ball, but if i get sick after him, it will be bad news!!!!

Since it's rather late I think I'm going to cut this short, have to be up early after all to drive roomie to her GRE appointment because I am just so incredibly nice like that.

Bye!

Exciting News!

I am a featured student reader chosen to represent Holy Cross at the Massachusetts Poetry festival 2009. Check out the link to see my bio featured on the Worcester County Poetry Association's website!

http://wcpa.homestead.com/MASS_POETRY_FEST_2009.html#anchor_72

Silly lil drama-queen moment.

This is probably a poem that will never see a more finished version as it's a bit (read: very) melodramatic, tongue in cheek, cliche with a hint of truth type of thing. Inspired by my coffee cup and a day of GRE studying. Just for fun, no real skill in it (though I do like the end=P). I put this out there for giggles, please dont judge me as a poet based on it, lol.

I can see my advisor crossing out line after line but what the hell, it was fun to write. Dedicated to all the college seniors out there, haha.


Our blood is turning to coffee
As we all suck it down by the pot.
But it seems these days even the caffeine
Saps my energy, this dark liquid
Becoming the epitome of wishful thinking.
This year is my anemia, leaving me
Lethargic and wistful, for the days before
These standardized tests took my name,
Tattooed a number on my skin
To submit humbly to the overlords,
Who decide what seems like life and death.
Wisdom has been supplanted,
For 12 point font, one page only,
Resumes are the new IQ
As we fight for what crumbs
Are left to offer, the warehouse is empty,
This is no golden age. Nervousness
Has given way to paranoia,
A save yourself mentality,
Clothed in a business suit and heels.
I’ve got debt, bills to pay,
Socrates, what use are you-
If you can’t keep me employed?
We’re working towards exhaustion
Hollow, ringed eyes, bloodshot,
Coffee breath, panic attack prone,
Here’s to a promising future-
We are the face of tomorrow.

Just gave a dramatic reading to the roommates and pondered sending a copy off to career services who seem to induce panic attacks daily!

=(

So today, two minutes before my alarm went off I woke up. I stretched my arms above my head and then turned my head to the side and then-

CRACK.

And I was hyperventalating in pain, a stabbing pain shooting up the left side of my neck into my skull. My roommate sat up in concern as I was hyperventalating unable to articulate what was wrong. Slowly I sat up and the pain dulled. But then cautiously I tried to turn my head and wham- pain hit.

I soon figured out I could barely move my head up and down or to the left at all without severe pain that left me gasping.

However, it is a Sunday and Chiropractors aren't open. Soon, out of concern my roommate offered to drive me home in a desperate attempt to see if my dad could help me get help. I couldnt even manage to shower, and getting dressed included more sharp pains and gasps. I was miserable and worried.

Once home my dad opened the phone book looking for any chiropractor with an emergency number since our own one didn't pick up!

Luckily a man who works five minutes from our house agreed to see me even though I am not an established patient and the office was closed. He even had to bring his son in with him but he came and opened the office up for have a look at me. Thank GOD.

Well, it was some strain/sprain type of deal. He x-rayed and tried to do adjustments but couldnt even get me in a position where he could work on me in the most minor way. The smallest movements induced pains that had me crying out, and literally in tears. I hated it. I can sit through hours of tattooing without crying or whimpering or anything, not the biggest baby- yknow? I rarely even go to a doctor but it was so intense it was an involuntary reaction when ever the slightest move brought on this pain.

Basically he tried to do what he could to relax the muscles to stop the horrible spasms of pain but ultimately he said i definitely could not lie down, my neck is unable to extend whatsoever and even just sitting or standing the weight or my head on my neck is causing more damage. So I cant sit up, cant lay down.

I have to be reclined at just the right angle that I am not in pain, and once I find that I must ice my neck for twenty minutes at a time every waking moment I can. And not move. Except I have to to get new ice packs. When standing or sitting I hold my head awkwardly forward and to the side and even propped on a pillow I hold it an an awkwad angle because I am so scared of causing mysef pain. So even when not experiencing spasms my neck aches horribly, like there is just no way of being comfortable.

So after that we went to get some ice packs and home to find some way of having me reclined somehow for long periods of time. My dad also has a very bad back so luckily he had this very special foldable back chair that reclines so he let me take that back to my dorm. But I pretty much might have to sleep in it because even if I could lay down in a bed you move too much and I would turn over and wake up gasping in pain. So I need to either be on a couch or reclining chair type deal to sleep, and not laying down but propped.

So here I am stuck in a chair. Even getting up to change ice packs is an ordeal as i move slowly and cautiously so as not to risk the small movement that could set off spasms, they have happened twice so far and are just as bad as this morning. I grimace and have to breathe in and out and not move until it passes and the pain fades. I hate being stuck in a chair, cant drive cant walk around. Thankfully one roomate is still with me or else I would be all alone stuck in a chair. Tomorrow I wont be able to go to my internship and Tuesday I wouldnt be able to dance in my dance class. It sucks.

Also I hate asking people to get me things. I wish Chris were here because I wouldnt feel bad about asking him to help me but he is somehwere very important with his family. I wont lie I'm pretty jealous, even though I couldn't go anyway, now my plans for the day are canceled and I am stuck in a chair.

I dont really feel comfortable enough to really focus on schoolwork and really just want to sleep so I dont have to feel the uncomfortable feeling/pain but I must keep icing. Sitting in a chair and icing.

He also found some mild arthritis in my neck which he said at my age there should be absolutely no sign of that no matter how minor, and now it is mild/minor but just the fact that it can be seen is probably not a very good sign. At all.

I dont want to be crippled =( I dont want to have scoliosis that makes things like this happen more easily than in everyone else. I dont want to be stuck in a chair while my roommates and the rest of the world goes about it's daily life!

Stress

So, there really isn't much to update on except work beginning to pile up.

I have rough drafts of seven poems for my thesis and need at MINIMUM thirteen for each semester. So if none of them get thrown out, which is very unlikely, I am in good shape. However, I have a bad feeling about these poems and this thesis is already making me very stressed as I really don't like what I've written for it so far and am much less inspired in general than I was in my poetry classes. It seems I have to constantly really search for something to write on and then I dont really like the end product anyways, even after reworking several poems tediously. The emotion just isn't in them anymore. This is not promising.

As for grad school apps, they are on hold for now as I need to basically wait until my GRE test and then resume is finished as those are the next steps. I am trying to get the resume looked at this Thursday. Most of the logistics are done (entering info, making online application accounts) and I have a rough draft of an essay which will probably need to be butchered over and over, but it's a start. Then come getting the recs. So, resume, GREs, essay and recs. Probably in that order. I just am impatient to have it all settled and done with, I dont like it hanging over my head. Also, the GREs are positively petrifying, I'm so scared I won't make the minimum score for UNC.

My first paper looms, due Oct 2 and we haven't gotten an assignment yet. It's for Literary Theory, a class which I feel most uncomfortable in. Extremely boring and soporific (GRE word!) and I still don't know the point of the class at all. It's been all philosophy so far and so I'm at a completely loss as to what I'm supposed to be gleaning from it in terms of literature and/or theory. What theory? No one has uttered the word theory since Day 1. Have I been in the wrong class? What scares me is I can't fathom what this paper will be on, much less actually writing an intelligent paper for this class. And my advisor is urging me to get a grad school rec from THIS professor.

Which I'm totally for -_- Or not.

Lastly, I thought work would calm down with a new woman in the office taking over the admin assist. position. However I have work up to my ears! I will be busy my entire shift and have projects that will take days. Will this never end? And I didn't get my last paycheck which isn't exactly very motivating.

So I'm a little stressed, mostly over lit theory and GREs at the moment.

General Update

So, I'm still filling in for the Administrative Assistant here at work, despite the fact that classes are started and I have gone down from 35 hours per week to 9. When I'm not here, there is no secretary for our department. Which is well, insane. I was going to get a fellow work study student but it turned out she cant start work until Oct 1 because she's not work study approved. Lame. But still I am hoping the upped responsibility will pay off in various ways and it's not really that bad lately.

Anyway, someone new will be starting the 14th! HOORAY! Though since they are new this could CAUSE as many problems as it solves, but I'm going to try not to think that way. So today everyone is trying to figure out logistics because we are switching all the offices around for complicated reasons and furniture must be moved and measured and such. So in preparation I WAS going to clear "my" desk off. However, then it was deicded that maybe this desk wouldn't be moving, so i just stopped with that major project after getting it organized.

The point is that I found quite a bit of random things buried on my desk. Nothing too important but still, there is a reason why organizational skills are valued I guess. The desk wasn't that bad of a mess, but still it was neatly cluttered so I'm happy to have it cleaner for the new woman coming in. Also, hiding away all the job applications that were lying around was probably tactful of me.

In other news, I have yet to meet with my thesis advisor yet but have five poems written to show him. But since I haven't really met with him I can't gauge that "class" yet. Though it's a professor I've taken since freshman year, my advisor and like my fav professor so I'm sure it will be amazing.

My Holocaust class is turning out to be my favorite, as strange as that sounds. I don't enjoy hearing about really emotionally difficult material but it feels like an extremely important class. Ever since going to the Holocaust museum and seeing that one quote I've searched for again and again to no avail, I have really wanted to do something more. It was simply a letter from a boy named David, asking that whoever found it remember that he was human, that he existed, that he lived. Part of me felt the need to honor that, to remember, to remind myself that we need to make an effort to remember them, because that's what they wanted, really, when faced with extermination, they wanted us to know they were as human as anyone else, and to not let them be forgotten.

I wish I could find that quote, the boy's name was David somethingand I remember exactly where it was, on the wall in the entrance to the hall of Remembrance, but despite the frantic searching I can't find it. I know the end was worded some thing like "Remember that a boy named David ____ lived." And although it was simplest of requests, it touched me so deeply that facing certain death, that was his request.

The trip Yad Vashem left one of the strongest impressions of my whole time in Jerusalem on me, and for some reason, as I dont know what good it will do overall to take this class, it feels like at least one person, generations and decades later, is honoring his request, and the more I learn the more I realize people don't know. We think we remember, but so many people have no idea the context it happened in, how it happened, what happened. how can we remember them properly without being educated on it. I cant speak for everyone but form what I found I didn't know even after being to the museum, I'd say most people have an unfortunately simplistic understanding of what went on.

Maybe I'm dwelling on it a bit but it's a class that is really touching me emotionally. And that feels like no matter what the grade, it'll be worthwhile.

Dance class is brutal, not because it's any more demanding than I'd expect a dance class either. It shouldn't be hard at all really, but it is. I'm woefully unflexible, despite years of dance, have NO abdominal muscles (lying flat I can barely lift to sitting without using my arms/hands) and because I am not overweight, did not ever even think to consider how i am grossly out of shape when it comes to physical activity. Watching me in class you would- well, let's not go there. I'll be at least trying to stretch every night from now on. This is ridiculous and frustrating. Also, the dining hall isn't helping matters. Period. And I try to be reasonable. today i went and had a bagel. With a bit of butter, no cream cheese or anything. Exactly what I would have had at home.

Literary Theory has improved in that I was awake for the entire class and following most of it, though I really didn't see how what we were talking to really applied to literary theory when it just felt like going over the main point of the work we read and finding how the text exmeplified the author's main idea- i.e where it shows that __________.

But I was awake.

Off to internship in a bit, hoping it stays interesting and I stay awake for it! Somehow despite the good night's rest I have, sleepiness overtakes me at the most inopportune moments, for seemingly no reason. I am just unlucky. Or the universe has chosen me to toy with. Or some other reason that is clearly not my fault.

Internship Day Two

I really must insist on gushing about my internship a bit more.

Today I had to take little slips of paper and fill in data about each incoming piece. now that work is mostly tedious and very simple BUT getting to see all the stuff that i'm recording and actually handling it to get the info is AMAZING. Anyway, here's the highlight of today:

In the pile of manuscripts I saw this letter that had beauitful handwriting and leaned into read it. I believe it was from some time around or priot to 1850. It read a bit like a love letter, the writer was asking someone not to forget them and to think of them and the places they had been together - that was the gist of it except it was poetic in that not-really-trying-to-be-poetic- i just-write-beautifully-all-the-time-way people in the 1800's had about them. It was very touching to read. The coolest part was there was a lock of brown hair that was threaded and twisted into this intricate design and pinned with the little paper cutout thing in the center of the design to hold it there. It was common to put locks of hair in lockets but I had only vaguely heard of including locks in letters, apparently it was a very significant thing to do and if done with a male it meant it was SERIOUS between them. However, this letter was between two women, which was interesting. I think they were just very very good friends or maybe relatives, but it was so perfectly preserved like someone had made it today. A two hundred year old lock of hair in a letter begging not to be forgotten and here I am reading it two hundred years later. AMAZING.

I wondered if the person had written back. I wonder how they knew each other and what the connection was. I wished I had the entire history and why they were being seperated, it really just made this random name seem alive. the lock of hair wasn't creepy or anything, it was smooth and still a very beautiful shade of chesnut brown, very neatly kept in its design somehow for almost two centuries!

Other interesting artifacts were papers trying to explain alcohol abuse back when they were just beginning to realize it was abuse, cures for alcohol poisoning, ads selling a "hightech" new moustrap, and a prayer for those fighting in the civil war.

In short, I love my internship.

Day One

First day of class:

1) Jazz dance 1-2: The professor seems really laid back and fun. The clock was running a few minutes slow and she goes "Oh well, why dont we still go by that clock to start since it'll give you a few extra minutes to get here in the morning?" I mean that's rare for a professor. However, she still seems to be very professional. She's classically trained so we get to do some ballet in the warm up and work on alignment and hip placement, using abdominal muscles so it should be a challenge even though I've danced since my posture was alwways horrible. Also, even though it's an intro class we might get to leaps and turns which should be fun, we'll do combinations and across the floor and stretching, which I am beyond thrilled for, since I lost all my flexibility. But I need to go home and find some old dance shoes now.

The work load is manageable, we have to attend two shows outside of class and do a two page critique on each, and then mid term and final project which is a five minute presentation with a 2-3 page paper and choreographing a dance- and we can do it in groups. Awesome.

2) Holocaust on the stage and screen: The professor explained that he is a very laid back intense guy. He said the material is already going to have us really swamped with intense emotions and it will really hit us emotionally so he wants to create a very informal class setting where we can really be open about the material. He really reiterated how hard some of this stuff is going to be to deal with and I believe every bit of it, but he was really relaxed and open with us, and didn't have that intimidating professor attitude AT ALL. For the entire period I was riveted and wide awake, taking notes and even participating. We'll have to give a lot of time to watching things outside of class but the three papers are only 4-5 pages each and then there's a midterm and final. So, it's reasonable and I feel like it will be a very important class to take and a challenge to get through. Which means hopefully it will have an important impact on how I see things.

3) Literary theory: This is my uh-oh class. All the kids who were in Oxford last year are in it so the level of performance in the class is set high just by then. Their writing skills have pretty much been perfected as Oxford really is like academic boot camp. What's worse is I was falling asleep during the whole class. I was frustrated and mortified but nothing I tried would perk me up. I pinched myself, concentrated on taking deep breaths in and out, leaned back into the a/c behind me, tried to take notes to keep me attentive but despite my best intentions I could not focus and my eyes were so heavy. I was miserable because I like the professor and it's an upper level course and this is just NOT acceptable. I also had no idea what he was talking about couldn't really find any interest in what I was trying to follow which was really worrisome. I am just not into abstract theory I guess. I really couldn't grasp exactly WHAT literary theory was but everyone else in the class was taking notes so they had to have gleaned SOMETHING that I was missing. There just didn't seem to be any solid facts or ideas that I could write down so I was utterly lost as to what he was talking about.

It was frustrating and I feel guilty over the whole fiasco but I cant drop it since it's mantadory to have for the english honors program. So it was a bit of a unhappy ending to a really great day. So I guess I'll just work as had as I can and hope for the best. Though if anyone has tps for staying awake, I need them, I had no reason to be suddenly exhausted and usually dont have such a problem so any advice is welcome! Also its a back to back class with the Holocaust class so there isnt any time to grab a coffee!!

So that would be about it for today.

AAS

So I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog, but I think since the updates are less frequent I'll find a way to send it to people's email for convenience.

So, today was my very first day at my new internship at the American Antiquarian Society in the acquisitions department. Within twenty minutes I was sat down with these small circular pieces of paper from the 19th century. They used to go over the mechanics on the old pocketwatches of the 1800s and were basically labels. Only each watchmaker had elaborate calligraphy and anengraving (picture) on each in such minute detail it boggles the mind. Today we get barcodes, they got art. So these things are really neat despite being pretty small circles of fragile paper. Oh with slits cut in them going around the outside edge. So small, thin, fragile, already preripped to add to my terror.

And I have to write on them. In only number 3 hard pencil, as lightly and eligibly as possible around the edge in small neat letter I must mark the buyer who sold them to us, the fund that paid for them, the date they were recieved, and a special code for how much they cost.

Now, I dont think it would be very professional to say how much that was because the AAS certainly doesn't publish how much it spends and has a code for penciling it on. But lets just say it's more than I could ever, EVER afford to pay back if I damaged them. And me, the volunteer intern wa snot only allowed to touch but to work with them! Now to be fair my supervisor did hover nervously at first but then she realized what she was doing and backed off politely.

Well, nothing ripped but she urged me to take my time which I was MORE than happy to do. Then I was off to have my conservation lesson where the conservationist showed me how she repaired books that I would have thought had seen their last days long, long ago. But those books are so epicially amazing too. They have stuff from the 1600/1700s!!!!!! They have the first bible printed in AMERICA (printed in the Algonquin language actually- to convert them I guess, and the first book printed in america! That's OLD STUFF. And how she fixed them is fascinating, special glues and pastes, and leather and paper thats so thin and fine you can put it OVER the words and still read them just fine.

Then she told me all the rules so that i wouldnt even accident damage or contribute to damage on a book. Surprisingly I wasn't too overwhelmed. She was a nice lady and she complimented my outfit =D.

So then I went on the tour of the place which was pretty tame because although it's a fascinating library it is, afterall, still a library. I learned the founder went for a poverty stricken child given away by his mother to a printer who became a cruel master over him to the richest man in the country in his lifetime. Amazing. I respect that. He was also a huge patriot who printed newspaers during the revolution to incite people to action. So the history of the society is really cool and the building is gorgeous and old and fancy.

That was pretty much all the time I had though, I guess I'll get into it hardcore on Friday. But so far, so good. First day of classes for me is tomorrow so maybe I'll update about that, hopefully!

P.S- Guess I need to have your email addresses if you want it emailed to you. Let me know.

Good News

So the updates are not quite as numerous here as they were when abroad, but that's not surprising. However, I have news! Yes, before the school year has even started. The day before yesterday, Tuesday, I got an email about an opening at the American Antiquarian Society and was put in contact with the head of acquisitions. Within a half hour of emailing I had an appointment for the very next day. It all happened so fast that I was a nervous wreck. On Wednesday I poured over the website, reading up all I could on it, so as not to be caught off gaurd during the interview. I arrived ridiculously early and went to go sit in the park across the street trying to calm my nerves. So at ten of six I walked in and told the receptionist (a very friendly girl working on her Ph.D at Clark) I was there for my appointment hoping ten minutes wasn't too too early.

After a few minutes of waiting in reception- the only place I was even allowed (!), the woman who was interviewing me came out. Of course the first question was what made me interested in this position/field, etc. I THINK my answer was pretty good. nothing unexpected but still accurate- I said it seemed to combine two interests of mine really well- as an english major and someone with an interest inhistory. Though I had to clarify that despite my genuine interest, I hadnt been able to take many class in American history- since I didn't want to give false impressions that I was a history buff... especially in American history since the society focuses on all print materials from America up to 1876 (preferribly).

Anyway on to the good stuff. I got to go in the stacks which is basically where everything is kept. I recall hearing that they have 21 miles of shelves, which, could be true. The stacks are closed, meaning if you are even allowed to research there (everyone has to under go an interview to do so!) you have to give very specific search criteria to a curator who then goes and finds the books/ printed materials that could possibly have what you are looking for, or even if you know the book THEY go get it for you. No browsing, the materials are too old and too valuable for pleasure browsing/reading. Even when you get the book every book has to be read from a book cradle. So to get to go into the stacks was very cool, they have newspapers and books from the 1700s in there! All original. It's also unfortunately kept cold and dark so not the most comfy place to be in as cool as it is. Mine you these stacks were built turn of the century!

So there are stacks A-D and five levels for each except for the D stacks which are newer and have two levels of bigger stacks instead of five levels of the smaller ones.

Then she took me behind the scenes where people were working in digitizing the old books for online databases that people anywhere could pay to have access to. And finally into our little office. Then she explained what they do in acquisitions. turns out they dont decide what new books the library gets, the curators do. They just recieve them, unpack them, record all the bibliographic data, decide which fund should pay for it (different funds are for different types of books- decided by the people who give those funds) make up the invoice and do all the paperwork and prep so that the book can go to be catalogued. Now, sometimes the curator will decide the book isnt what it was described as and we will have to send it back- that, apparently, is a big hassle.

So it involves a lot of paperwork and such but I get to see all the new books that come in and learn how to take down all the bibliographic data onto a special sheet in a special way. Also we mark the books (in pencil) with notations, like a secret code in the back that tells the price we paid for it etc etc. The invoices in particular seemed to boggle me but she assured me it was really just plugging in information we got all from the title page of the book- and the price. So i guess it's not rocket science. Also since I am interested in archiving if a project comes up they are going to try and get me involved in that whcih is nice.

So honestly, it probably wont be the most exciting thing, but it will be good experience working in a rare book library. however, she warned they dont function like any public library or evenmost libraries. That's okay with me, though. She showed me a children's gift book from the 1800's and it was so very cool. The illustrations were much more refined and sophisticated, they just didn't seem simplified like today's children's book illustrations are- they were still approproate but the art was just gorgeous! The deatil and care was amazing. I want to give my child books from the 1800s!! Anyway that was really cool.

So, at the end of the interview she asked me to fill out a form and started asking about hours and asked when I could start! Well I start on Wednesday Sept second! I work three days a week in three hour shifts so nine hours a week. My only pet peeve is that they insist on calling me a volunteer and not an intern, not based on the work I do but because I am not getting academic credit for my work there. I really would rather be an "intern" as opposed to a volunteer because volunteering seems so much more casual (and not as professional)! And I asked if there was really a difference and that was all they gave- academic credit or no academic credit. Lame. But if thats the worst I have to gripe about then it looks pretty good.

So, more updates probably during the end of august when I go to visit the grad schools! I'm sure that will be very very fun. I have been setting up meetings to talk to people there so it's looking pretty good as of now!

New Purpose- the Beyond Part

So I have decided that i like it here at blogger.com. I have decided that I like it so much that I am going to chronicle my last year of undergraduate college here. Since I am attempting to do an internship, keep my two jobs AND apply to grad schools I doubt it will be anything but eventful. I guess now comes that "beyond" part of my title as I look towards preparing for my adult life, *gulp*

So, first order of business: I am trying to get an internship at the Worcester Antiquarian society for the school year. I had emailed the intern coordinator in the spring and he advised me to contact him again sometime in August to see if we could set something up. Well, this morning I sent off my follow-up email with my availability (since he had asked for it to be included with my follow up). I'm very nervous to hear back. See, I'm planning on applying for not just a library sciences program in grad school but one with a concentration in archives and records management and the first questions everyone who is a professor/in academia asks is: Well, how did you get into that? What experience do you have with archives?

The answer is, well, none, really. I have been IN archives and have discovered a love for history in college and pairing history with print seems to bring my love of reading and history together in a way that is intellectually interesting without being extremely stressful. I don't want a high stress job (though will NOT tell employers that because it gives the impression I CANT handle stress which isn't true) or one in an extremely competitive field (read: business, law, etc). It would wear me down I'm sure. Yet I want a professional job. This seems like the best compromise so that I can put my education to use while still being happy at the workplace. However, this internship would be a test to see if it IS what it think it is. Also I NEED an internship on my resume, BADLY!!!

So, hopefully there is something available, I'm very nervous because I chose NOT to go through Holy Cross, which provides internships in every field but this it seems because most internship students are aiming for resume gold, meaning big companies and important positions but that's just not what I want or need as wonderful as I KNOW it looks on a resume. I want something focused on MY career goals - which this is.

But anyway, onto that whole grad school thing. My boss at study abroad keeps trying to encourage me to apply to university of Washington since he says i'd love it there and it's tied with UNC chapel hill for best lib sci program in the country. However, it's in seattle. I have no interest in rain and the part of the west coast that does not involve palm trees or san franscico. So. maybe. Also, both my boss and advisor have told me they arent sure I should even go to grad school if I dont get a scholarship since my field isnt likely to rake in enough money to justify the debt it will bring.

I was feeling a bit discouraged by this mindset but my dad had a good point: well if not grad school then what? It's not like I have another career goal in mind that i could pursue right after college. If this is what I want to do then I have to go to grad school. I would be panicked and floundering for something to make ends meet if I didnt go to grad school. i would take whatever job I qualified for because I dont really know what else I'd do if not something in this field. I'd be unhappy. So that settled it for me. If this is what I truly WANT to do then I'm not going to listen to these people no matter how professional they are.

So that's where I stand on those two fronts. This is going to possibly be the scariest year of my life. Commitments:

Editor of the Purple, Holy Cross' literary journal
Second Semester cochair of Allies
Study Abroad Student Assistant
English Student assistant
AAS internship
English honors program thesis

...And I want to be in the fashion show BSU puts on in mechanics hall. I saw it last year and vowed I would do it before I graduated. It's so...cool!!

So let's see if I can make it. I have my GRE book out in front of me, gearing up for success and the word of the day is Peregrination coz I'm goin places! ;)

Trip home

So, last night was a bad idea. I mean to be honest the "sheds" are like a legitimate room they offer, not just a random tool shed on the roof. Also i found they had double booked several times that day so i did them a huge favor by helping out. The roof-shed-room-thing was actually very quiet but there was no proper lock on the door so I was nervous all night, it had a chain and a nail in the wall that you hooked the chain on. Also I started feeling rather itchy and freaking out and got up at like 2:45 since I had that creepy crawly sensation all over my skin.

To be honest, I somewhat regretted it while sitting in the lobby at 3 Am this morning. When I went to bed I was thinking it would be okay, it was quiet, there were other people up there with me, listening to the soft spoken french of my neighbors was really cool, but overall I'm not sure if I would do it again.

BUT the nice deed paid off karma-wise. My biggest fear was that the van wouldnt be reliable. And there were cops lining up outside my hostel since something was going down around 3:30 in the morning and I could see homeless people sleeping or wandering about so let me tell you I was nervous. BUT 10 minutes after 4, the guy called me and asked me to come to the corner. A group of girls my age saw me standing on the shady desolate street corner with my stuff and were concerned, asking if I needed help. I explained that Nesher was coming in a minute and that i would be fine but it was a comft that some normal people were out and about. He called again before he got there to make sure I was in the right place and to tell me he would be coming into view in a second. I noticed he didnt do this with the locals we picked up, so I think he was nice enough to try and give me the extra effort.

I appreciated that.

Then I got to the airport absolutely fine but security in israel is like nothing I have ever been through.

1) All your bags go through x ray machines before you can check anything in, and while you're in line they come around and swipe everything down looking for dust or some other suspicious coating. When you get to the machine you are interrogated. Lightly, but still. Why does it matter that i dont know hebrew?! Oh well.

2) After the xray machine, still you cant go check your bags, a woman opens the checked baggage and goes through everything, more swiping down of all your stuff. I mean undies on display people. Then she lets you repack. Guh.

3)Then you check your luggage and proceed to another security measure. This one is for your carry ones which go through another xray machine and you go through a metal dectector until there is no metal on you. They make you take out every since electronic device you have including chargers, adapters, wires, plugs, ipods, the absolute works. Then once they see it all you can repack.

But I managed to do all that in time. I was asleep on the plane before we even took off! Then i watched some Monsters Vs. Aliens, listened to some music, watched some harry potter, slept more. It was a good flight. Now Im killing time during my layover at Heathrow. Bought myself a bagel sandwhich, some over priced internet. Life is good.

So after all my obstacles I'm overly thankful for finally things going smoothly. And well, it certainly has been an experience.

So miserable. What a horrible idea being nice was. What a horrible, idea. Itchy (bad sign), tired, lonely and unhappy. Just want to be home so very badly.

So when I arrived at my hostel, the family at the desk in front of me was having a terrible row with the receptionist. Well the father was. There had been a mix up and instead of having two rooms they had only one. And the only other available option was something they were terribly against. The man was demanding a solution, one only in the form of his original reservation which they just didn't have. They planted themselves in the lobby looking quite displeased though the receptionist was very apologetic and patient. Which I have not found often here. They had two young teenage looking boys with them.

So, I get to the desk and she looks at me hopefully. My reservationwas fine, a nice private room with a double bed where I was sure to get sleep. However she began so sweetly, Could i offer you a much cheaper option? I explained I knew I was one person and spending a lot of money but that I had a twenty hour trip home and needed to ensure sleep. She told me she had "bungalows" on the roof and they were plenty quiet and nice and cheap and such. She showed me pictures and I just couldn't bear to say no since I only needed a place to sleep for about 5 hours (til 3:15/3:30 or so). However the pictures were rather misleading size wise and though there were two beds inside...

It was a shed on the roof. One I couldn't even stand in. Or even close to stand in. I could kneel, and kneeling with arms BENT, touch the ceiling.

It has a tiny light and a padlock on it. So for my good deed the family got their room and I hopefully got some good travel karma.

And that is how I came to be sleeping on a shed in a roof, on my last night in Jerusalem.

Big Breakfasts and Airport Woes

So this morning the class journeyed to our professor's house for breakfast! There were eleven of us and we split into three cabs but unfortunately our cab driver didnt know where he was going but didnt tell us that when we gave him the address. This happens a bit too often for my taste, but he got us into the general area and asked fellow cab drivers as we drove so we did make it, albeit as the last group.

The professor lives on a quiet street and his house is on a little path with tons of trees and bushes and flowers so we were immediately in love. We all sat down in the back garden at this huge table to eat breakfast outside in the beautiful weather. And what a breakfast. There were four kinds of bread, seven kinds of cheeses, several kinds of olives, a few additional local Israeli spreads for the breads, eggs, tuna, a vegetable platter with peppers cuccumbers and tomatoes, pickles, a quiche, chocolate milk, coffee, lemonade, iced tea, freshly squeezed orange juice, and probably more I cant remember! It was phenomenal. We ate with his wife and son in law and his adorable dog went around keeping everyone company. It was a rescue dog named Casey they recently adopted and so so skinny but with the sweetest temperment! His wife was so friendly and made conversation with all of us about where we were from and how she came to Israel from America and such. Then we finished, cleared the table and went inside the cooler living room to have our study session.

And then his wife started loading the livingroom table with a second course of breakfast!! Grapes, figs, watermelon, a breakfast cake, brownies, freshly baked muffins, water, more coffee, oh my goodness!!! It was just mountains of wonderous food. But unfortunately this means I was in a food coma for the study session. I was so full and sleepy it was hard to focus, especially being on his comfy couch. Also, people got so caught up in the details rather than the big ideas that we kept confusing each other and ourselves, so I think it didnt help as much as I hoped. Also we got sidetracked when Charrise asked about why the Arabs thought they had a claim to the land over the Jews and our professor seems a bit biased on this topic, and James didnt agree with accusations he started making agaist BBC but was too polite to debate with him in his home and after such hospitality. So James simply suggested there were different takes on the situation but it wasnt the best subject to get on really.

Then we went back to school on the bus. I called Nesher, the people who I had a horrendous experience with when we got here. I needed to know if they were running on thursday since it;s a religious holiday and if they would pick me up at 4 AM. The woman was short with me saying yes but to call back tomorrow. They wont take reservations until one day in advance. Annoying!

I'm nevous about the whole getting to the airport thing to be quite honest, just because its at such an inconvenient hour should something go wrong and on a religious holiday where many people might have the day off and things may not be running.

Well I just checked the bus and there are TONS...during the day. If only my stupid flight wasn't at 8 AM, I have no choice but to use Nesher, I checked trains and busses. A taxi would run hundreds of shekels! *sigh* Please pray and hope and wish that I do NOT have a repeat of my first experience and that I get to the airport safely!!!

So I just came back from the best study session I have ever had. It was Cary, James, myself and Zev, a classmate you have not heard of but who is a great guy. We really covered a lot though it was overwhelming and I'm not sure it sunk in since over the course three hours we reviewed about 4,000 years of history. Insane much? Yeah.

But we went to a cafe by school, Aroma, and I ordered something called iced chocolate. Now it isnt exactly like chocolate milk more like they melted chocolate made it a bit like a coolatta texture and made it cold. It's EPIC. I also ordered a big breakfast (for dinner) and it was okay. Massive, but mostly salad which is typical for breakfast here.

Anyway we had some massively uncontrollable giggle fits. It was really over the silliest thing. Our professor wears these somewhat short shorts and one day, while we were all sitting in the jewish quarter in a lecture, well, a classmate of ours got an eyeful and started cracking up. Apparently the professor likes to erm, feel the breeze? Anyway when we got to that day in our notes he explained why he had been cracking up at the time (he had made some excuse and got himself under control in class luckily because really what do you say in the middle of class to something like that?!) and another girl said she saw even more than him and they used such ridiculous expressions and made such faces that we ALL started cracking up and by then it was just contagious.

I know most people would be traumatized and I'm sure glad I wasn't sitting at that fateful angle but they somehow still manage to attend class and really like our professor. I would have thought it would make things horribly awkward but we had a good natured laugh over it.

Cary also told us about a crazy altercation she had with the diva! I wont recount it here but goodness, such attitude! So after a while we got off topic having gotten to a point where it was just too much. We had been studying pretty straight through from 6:00-9:00 when we left to take a walk to a nice look out point right by the wall that marks the west bank. We saw a random fireworks show, rather short but still a nice treat.

On the way back to campus we had so much fun talking and when we got to student village we hung around a bit unable to stop laughing and joking until finally we left for our apartments. It was a massively good time, I really love the classmates I have. What a wonderful way to study. Tomorrow we have a review session at our professor's house where hes going to make us breakfast!!

Weekend

So, I'm back in Jerusalem after a real nice stay with my family. Saturday we got up late, ate breakfast, Yotam watched American cartoons in Hebrew, and Amy (my cousin) packed us a picnic lunch ad a lunch for my oldest cousin, Silvan who had duty in the army this weekend. Usually they have weekends off but she had to patrol this weekend so we went to visit. We were supposed to leave at 11:15 but we left at 12:00 because you know, Israeli time. Noa had been sleeping over her friend's house so we picked her up on the way to the base.

My cousin mentioned not many tourists get to see the army bases so that was kind of neat but it was pretty empty and dismal looking. I wouldn't want to be stuck there with no one else around wearing those uniforms in the heat. Though it was nice of my cousin to bring us to visit SIlvan and bring her some home cooked food. She took apart her gun randomly- or at least part of it, in fact Im not sure what she was doig but I dont think it was reloading...(btw I was informed it was an M-16) and put it back together but she's far off from the 30 seconds you're supposed to do it in. I half wonder if she was trying to impress me -after all, I was impressed at first (I mean my younger cousin with huge ass gun, what?!)- until her father mentioned you're supposed to be able to do it in 30 seconds, not two minutes. Haha. Something about teenagers (18/19) all armed with m-16s impresses me- I saw huge huge droves of them going back on the train from their weekends at home and really its crazy to see, such young kids with such discipline, able to handle being casual about having such powerful weapons on them at all times. Maybe it's my American sensibility though, here it's just a way of life. Noa was complaining about going into the army in four years. I cannot imagine her in the army, at all!

So we saw her office and the base and it was actually pretty uneventful. Then we set out for a trip! We drove about an hour and a half north to the sea of Galilee. There we found this trail, only its not an orindary trail, its a water trail. The whole thing is in a stream. It seems like no big deal BUT have you ever walked on a stream bed? All the stones are smooth and slippery ad different sizes, it's really difficult. Noa and I fell so many times splashing into the water.

Whats really cool is the lush green walls of plants on either side of you. There isnt even a bank and sometimes vines hang into the water. Many times there is a canopy of leaves above you and at times it opens up into deeper pools that go up to your chest or above your head and you have to swim across. There are groves of Eucalytus and grape vines alone the stream too, it's amazing, seems much more like the tropics than Israel. Some of the trees have roots exposed in the water or branches overhead you have to duck under- that sort of stuff. Most toursists dont get there so many times it was just us! It was SO COOL.

Then when we finished we were sopping wet. So we all changed into dry clothes and searched for a place to eat. We ended up in Tiberias, named after the ancient Roman, at some touristy place. For some reason the area was very touristy, lots of stalls selling junk and such. I thought the food was good but Yotam didnt like his dish so I shared my Shnitzl with him. Thats just like shake and bake chicken btw (and for the record: ketchup here SUCKS, its watery and too sweet and not like our ketchup at all! yuck!). The whole trip he didnt utter one word to me in english though he could sing along to the radio, he really was so shy- though not too shy to accept my chicken- he hadnt eaten lunch since he had thrown an absolute fit (not screaming and crying but being sulky and whiny about not liking anyting we had for lunch) and wouldnt eat what his mom packed, so he must have been ravenous. Btw, back to the radio comment- they have this really cool station here that just throws anything on, mixing Israeli with American and contemporary stuff like Black eyed peas with 80's hits and then israeli stuff I'm sure is just as varied. So fun to listen to!

Then we saw a pack of cats lurking by our table- we were eating outside, so of course the kids started to feed them even though we were sure we were going to get yelled at by the waitress if she saw us. One was rather fierce and swatted at Yotam who repeatedly baited it, and another with half an ear and looking better fed than the rest turned out to be rather nice.

Then my cousin gave us all money to go get gelato! It felt just like a family vacation, like I was one of the kids. It was really nice.

We didnt get home util 11 and I was so tired. Then this morning I got up and cuaght a 10:12 bus. I had to trasfer at 11:00 in tel Aviv and thank goodness I asked an older couple if I was getting on the right train, there was one quick announcement in hebrew that I barely caught and no one else was getting on! He assured me it was Jerusalem bound and I got on hoping he was right. It didnt stop for more than two minutes- if that- so I didnt have time to ask anyone else and had to jump right on. Well, he was right. He and his wife sat across the aisle and opened a huge container of assorted fruit. They offered me some and I tried to refuse since it was my first instinct but then he held out a nectarine and seemed determined so I took it. They even gave me a knife and napkin to cut it on. How sweet. Then he gave me grapes. Again I tried to politely decline, again he said "Please!" and held them out. They just felt the need to share I suppose. When the offered me water tho I def declined and they were okay with that. Though I couldnt help smiling. So strange, people dont share food with starngers for no reason back home. Maybe they dont here either. Oh well.

Then I caught a bus back to school, unfortunately I got on at the first stop and school is pretty much the last stop. Meaning it took another hour to get back!

So being with the fam is getting off to a slow start. I sat in on the rflexology workshop and it's all about alternative healing and finding points on your hands that correspond to points on your body and knowing how to massage them to relieve pain elsewhere. I was torn between thinking it was pretty neat and utterly ridiculous but nonetheless it's an experience.

So now Noa is out with a friend, Yotam is sleeping off his all night activity and my cousin and her husband are putting down in the kitchen so Im at a loss as to what to do with myself. I think we are going out this afternoon and then having a BBQ anf then tomorrow should be busy so Im hoping it will get less awkward.

Just thought I'd give a mini update. Hopefully the next is more like the last one- very full!

Edit: So the trip to the beach was very much awesome, as was the BBQ before hand. BTW Israli bbq does not include hotdogs or hamburgers, but kabobs! of chicken (amazing, wonderful, tender chicken...) and some other meat I uh, didnt recognize. And pickles and salad and potatoes and yum. In general. My cousin's husband's friend came over with his two daughters (who spoke no english and stayed to themselves the whole time, as Noa proceeded to nap after eating, teenagers- so antisocial. ) and was quite the jokester, he said not to take him seriously as he was leaving after he kept telling me to call my bf and "dismiss him" for an israeli boy who would teach me hebrew. He joked that it was the ONLY way to learn since I would tell the boy, talking, no touching, then maybe when I knew hebrew, then MAYBE he could touch. Yes tempt boys with my body to learn hebrew. LOl. I rolled my eyes. He was obviously kidding around. I told him I would use rosetta stone, he was like psh, wont work. Which is probably true since I will have no one to talk with by oh well, haha. Then I pulled out the "Hey my boyfriend and I's next anniversary will be three years" and everyone was all like, thats so long for someone so young, whoa, and all that. So it was fun, I took his joking as it was meant- as joking (that to be honest will make steam come out of chris' ears)

And then we went to the beach at 6:30, at home people are leaving then but here its still packed! People are in the water AS THE SUN GOES DOWN because its still nice and warm so we stayed until about 8 and it was lovely. Also we brought the dog, Mickey, and he just ran free. We rarely saw him as he played with other dogs. Things are so lax here dogs right in where people are swimming. Then on the way home Noa being her diva self demanded a popsicle so when we stopped for gas we piled out to get Noa's popsicle, which she then chose the most expensive Ben and Jerrys one, and her mom warned her it was 500 calories and Noa took that the wrong way (you are saying Im fat?!) and so she INSISTED on having it. She didnt like it, so I swapped with her. I had gotten a cheap standard popsicle albeit in a tropical flavor- passionfruit, but got to enjoy a gormet imported one thanks to her stubborness. Win! Noa is too funny. Later when we were eating and her mom thought she didnt want the snack her mom made so she didnt make her one, Noa came down all upset she had to make one herself. her mom mocked her, she made the snack, it was funny. Then we talked about crowd surfing and moshing.

So it was agood evening. I got tons of pretty pics. Was fun.

Haifa

So I lied about the no update thing, heh. Made it to the fams house where I'm staying in my cousin's room while she's away at the army (mandatory for all Israelis) so I get to use her comp, and air conditioning and bed. Sweeeeet deal. So anyway, what it means for you: an update.


So hwere we left off: Leaving for Haifa. We managed to get tickets for a bus leaving in 5 minutes and rushed on board. However, there were too many people and not enough seats. Back home this would mean people have to get off, I'm sure there's a safety law and all that. But noooot hereee, people sat on the floor, stood in the aisle, it was all good. Lol. Btw I got a seat. Thank goodness (though since then I have been an unlucky stander on a train....)

But before this I need to mention that our group had an unexpected guest that someone invited along. Normally, yeah, the more the merrier. But she brought a full sized suitcase for a 24 hour trip. One night. AND we wouldnt have anywhere to keep it, Hostel check out is 10 AM. She knew this and was told we'd be climbing stairs and walking all day and she'd have to lug it around but she insisted, because she needed outfits for taking pictures of herself in. We were in shock. Anyway, you can guess how that went over.

But onto our trip, we get off the bus at the end of the line utterly confused because its way far from the center of town and doesnt look like anywhere people would go for sightseeing. Luckily our hostel was very close since the ones in the center were all already booked so it worked out fine. We figured out the bus to get into town on the first try so it wasn't too much of an inconvenience.

The guy at the Hostel was...well a horrible receptionist. The sign above the desk said he took cash or credit but we went to pay our 95 shekel bill with a 100 bill he said he didnt have ANY CHANGE and we would have to pay exact or charge it. We didnt have exact! He gave us no choice. Now mind you 5 shekels is worth about a dollar. Can you imagine a receptionist telling you they dont have a penny and you'll need the 99 cents? Yeah it was like that. Luckily some other people had change and we were able to put together exact change. But it did NOT endear us to him. At all.

So we got a room that was "dorm style" meaning you pay for a bed and there are five beds in a room. There were three of us and luckily no one else came so we had the room to ourselves! Thankgoodness.

Then we leave to get a bite to eat. We were hungry! We got down to the center by the Ba Hai gardens and find a really cool place called Fattoush. We eat inside since outside people can smoke and are led into this really awesome room where the seats are all little middle eastern pillow type things or a bench covered in pillows! The lamps give it a really cool lighting affect and the menu is all exotic. I got mango soda and a dish called Fattoush which the place was named for. So very cool. But of course the Diva tried to substitue and swap things in her meal which the waiter was very nice about saying they couldn't do. After she tried to order a kids meal and he wouldnt give it to her explaining they were strict about only serving them to children under twelve. So she was in a huff about not getting exactly what she wanted. And later when he asked how everything was she said "It's alright" with an atitude. there was no need since the waiter was nice about it.

After we finished, the waiter was taking his time getting the check to us. I think it's just a cultural thing, people relax more there. But of course miss diva was mouthing off about it. At one point she was like damn Im about to get a manager. I tried to suggest maybe people just tended to converse after meals here and it wasn't really him being neglectful. So finally someone asked me to get up and ask for a check. I did so, very politely, mind you.

Well it still took a while and yes we were now all a little annoyed as we had to make a bus back, but really the Diva was just horrendous. It was then we realized there was more to come from the diva...

But anyway the next morning we get a early start since brekfast is only served at the hostel from 7:00- 8:30 and we HAD to have it included. Well the bread had ants crawling in it... and it was mediocre but we eat found something to fill up on (bread from an UNOPENED AND ANT FREE BAG and butter and cornflakes one of which was moldy) so it was okay. Then we headed to the famous gardens in the center of town. These gardens are built on tons and tons of terraces going up a mountain. You can either pay a taxi to go to the top or walk up. Half of us walked up, including me but Diva had to take a taxi due to her huge suitcase. Even once up there, there were stairs and all the paths were made up of pebbles so she couldnt lug her suitcase around. We didnt bother catering to her and she was getting annoyed. She had been warned and she was not the original group's guest but one invited by a few people we had invited along!

So the gardens are huge and extensive and on an effing mountain but lush and impressive, in terraces with stairs all the way up. There were fountains and spectacular views of the port below us and it was all very well kept up. Now, it's actually a Holy Place with a shrine, but I havent ever heard of the religion!!! The Ba'hai faith it's called and these gardens and the shrine (called the shrine of tha Ba'b) is their most holy site. Only I still dont know anything about this religion, how many follwers it has, where it came from. Weird. Well we couldnt speak in the shrine so that didnt help. Anyway so gardens, pretty, random religion. Cool. I guess.

Then the people who had taken the taxi up with diva decided to walk down, and she wouldn't take a cab alone so down came the suitcase and by now she was all pissy. People offered to help and she refused. She gave us looks for not waiting up for her since she was always stopping and taking pictures with her blackberry to make it worse. And I mean like long, drawn out pauses to take the picture. Point and shoot, people- it's faster.. But yeah so she was all annoyed with us, when we werent going to cater to her. If we were a bit ahead she'd live. We were in sight. Get over it. Normally I'd be sympathetic but she should have known, since she knew we were visiting the gardens and she didnt help matters with her attitude.

So then we go to find Elijah's cave. THAT was a trip. We got lost, took the same bus twice missed our stop, retraced steps and finally found this "cave" which was just a room in the side of a mountain. I'm sure it had been a cave but they had smoothed out the walls, put in fans and bookcases of holy books and it was just a place a few people were praying in. So whatever. Sorry, it was just anticlimatic after an hour of searching. And More issues with Diva who left her bag at a cable car stattion coz she was sick of rolling it around and luggin it up stairs and when we said we might not be coming back to that building she left it there anyways so we HAD to go back since she had to get it again. If you arent prepared to lug it you shouldnt have taken it.

But then, then the glorious beach time came. The beaches in Haifa are gorgeous.

The beach was my favorite part. There are free umbrellas and chairs to use and the waves were massive and the water warm. We got some pizza and settled down while the other half of the group (with DIVA) went to have a more expensive, sit down lunch. We were more interested in the beach! OH we had fun, btw we is Cary and James and I, also we had invited cory and Charrise, from our class. We really like them but dont get their decision to invite diva. They knew her from home since they all went to school together, so maybe it was an obligation, but even they were annoyed.

But Cary and James and I stuck together on the beach and it was so fun. We went in the water, bought ourselves fancy passion fuit drinks to enjoy, took a walk on the beach, had a brilliant time. Epic. We also watched Diva force everyone else to take picture, after picture after picture of her, one even mock running down the beach. That's just too much!!! I know I'm being mean right now, but yeah. It was deserved.

Luckily the train station was right next to the beach- like a five minute walk and eventually i moseyed over there to catch a train to Binyamina to stay with my family.

I got there and bought my ticket seven minutes before the train left! I hurried on and was dismayed that again there were not enough seats and this time I was standing. However the ride was sooo smooth, the train was brand new, and it was only a twenty minute ride!! Soon I was in Binyamina where my second cousin picked me up.

And here I am. For dinner we had french toast without syrup =/ Though noa suggested i put peanut butter on mine like she was doing so I tried that. And I had israeli style salad which is finely chopped and more cucumbers and tomoatoes than lettuce. It was good. Tomorrow I plan to sleep in since there will be a hand reflexology workshop going on in the living room til noonish, my cousin will be out with her friend, and my younger cousin will be asleep since he has some all night activity with his camp. In the afternoon we will go to the beach and then they are having a cookout friday night. Saturday we will visit my older cousin in the army and then go do some fun...thing Im not quite sure of. Its this weird water walk but Noa, middle cousin seems very excited so I take it as a good sign. Then sunday I will journey back to Jerusalem! Ta da!

So, that is all, I'm dead tired. When I get back to Jerusalem I will have three days left!! Crazy! This time next week I will be half way home. I cant imagine.

This update is basically to tell you that there won't be an update.

Since I'm leaving in 30 minutes for an overnight trip to the gorgeous north where I will be seeing the famous botantical gardens and going to the beach and then breaking off from my group to spend a few days with my family in Binyamina. I figured it's really cool to have family in other countries and I really should take up their invite to visit them in their home. They offered to take me to the beach and show me around the north so I'm gong to try and make it to them and back by myself.

It shall be epic. Be back sunday.

Also, smart idea of the day: Do not eat huge greasy burger and fries before 2/3 hour bus ride. oops. We'll see how that goes.

Also today I saw pomegranate bushes, with pomegranates growing on them! two weeks from now they will be ripe and I will be 6,000 miles away whhhhhhy? wish I had pomegranates growing in my backyard....

Also got to pick grapes off a random vine our prof showed us during class. Way awesome.

In other news my right eye is looking rather irritated. At times it feels sore but right now it doesn't at all. However, I look like one eye is on some serious drugs. Well, crap. Hopefully it's no worse than my heat stroke in Italy! hahah. I'm too busy to make sure my eyeball doesn't pop out and run away, k?

Will have loads of pics when I return. Of amazingness.

Cave day

So, the last update was more of an introspective post, I feel I should post about goings on as well.

Yesterday I took a caves trip. It started out somewhat slowly, since I had the same tour guide on ein gedi and while he wasnt bad I had heard some of his spiel before. Luckily Cary and a few others who were not interested in his spiel and we sat on the curb and quietly talked, joked, some slight mocking.

Though, actually, I should have started this story on the bus, where Cary and I started coversation with a guy named Jared. Jared just got his masters from Cornell (so many Ivy league kids here!!!) in engineering, so brilliant much? I assume so. Anyway, somehow we got talking about converting which he is in the process of, since his mother isn't jewish- actually he had already converted to reform judaism, decided it wasnt for him and moved to conservative and finally now knows he really wants to be orthodox. So a great fountain of information just happened to be sitting in front of me on the bus. Through almost the whole bus ride we chatted about judaism and he was very helpful about sects and whats what and what to read up on. Wonderful.

However, when we were talking to the group Cary pointed out that he was a bit like Jesse, in that he had to prove people wrong/ his answer was right/ somewhat liked to hear himself talk, etc and so she seemed uninterested in him for these reasons. But I pointed out, hey he's well educated maybe he IS right and has a right to defend his points, after all he has a graduate degree, Jesse hasnt started college, bit hard to compare.

Anyway I didnt think he was that egotistical at all, in fact later when we chatted he said he knows he talks alot, it's just his character trait. Doesn't necessarily mean he liked to hear himself talk. Anyway, so I was really interested in talking with him most of the trip. He also has this quirk of walking without shoes, even on hot, rocky Israeli hiking ground. But he's been doing it for over four years so I guess his feet can take it.

It was nice to really be able to converse with someone new, and that brought a great aspect to the trip. Anyway, we started by plucking carods off a tree and eating them. I didnt think they were bad and most people seemed to like them but I think it was just the novelty of it being the first time and gettig to pluck them off the tree. On the bus they didnt seem nearly as yummy. Anyway, the first cave was HUGE, it was callled a Columbarium and there were hundreds of niches where pigeons were raised. Yes, pigeons, because they needed them for sacrifice. They also sold them to pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem. It was very nice and cool down there and well lit and rather tame, I was a bit disappointed about that part.

However, our next cave was the exact opposite, you had to get in by crawling, and continue crawling down this cramped rocky passageway. At one point you had to climb up into another passage where you had to wiggle on your belly! In a tiny cramped passage trying to hold a flashlight this is hard. Some people didnt HAVE flashlights (even though they were told to bring them!!!!) so we had to have them go between people with flashlights and even then at points there were screams of I cant see anyting! It's so dark! And when it's pitch black in such a tiny space, thats scary ince we didnt have a clue what was ahead. Especially since that small climb on the way back became a drop and you had to pass along to people behind you to MAKE SURE THEY WERE GOING FEET FIRST. Everyone was saying in the U.S this would ever be allowed, there were no safety measures, no lights except for those of us with flashlights, no rope to guide us, no attendants around the cave to make sure you came back out. We should have had to sign waiver after waiver but nope, they just took us into these tiny tunnels. lol.

We made it into a big cavern with more niches for pigeon raising and the tour guide told us of when the Jewish rebels were fleeing and hiding from the Romans in the caves the Romans would seal them in or smoke them out. Now dont think nice big cave, think tiny passage ways impossible for soliders to fit that twist and turn and are rocky and impossible to light. Imagine being trapped in there or smoked in so that you die choking on smoke, blocked in. Terrifying!! Espceially hearing about it from inside the cavern which was not exactly near any exit, no comforting sign of light, just pitch black with a tiny hole to escape, that is to a tiny passageway you have to crawl and wiggle through.

So that was quite the experience! Im rather glad it was all extreme, at least in my opinion. Jared of course had been 6 times already (something Jesse would have poited out, I'm sure =P) and was telling me about how it's better with a smaller group and even less light. But I enjoyed it the way it was anyway. The whole ride home I talked more with Jared, about childhood experiences (he was a boyscout/ eagle scout- while I played in the streets) and dance since he does Israeli folk dance and I used to do more traditional dance for ten years. It was a nice trip home.

So that's that, whew.

Pondering Religion

As you all may or may not know, I am currently undergoing somewhat of a religious identity crisis. I was not raised with much religion, aside from celebrating Chritsmas and Easter in the most secular of ways and recently I've begun to long for some religious identity.

This trip is the first time I have really been exposed to Judaism, and I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. For a while coversion seemed like a possibility, and I had resolved to do some learning in the next year with that as a possibility.

Today however, what little ground I seemed to have gained was somewhat lost when on the van we got on the topic of Christmas and how ingrained certain holidays are into our culture. Now, of course if I converted I would give up Christmas, no gift giving, no- well, any of it. And that would be difficult in a society that puts such importance on this holiday. Also I have virtually no Jewish friends, am not close to my jewish family and also have lots of christmas celebrating friends. I'm sure it would cause some difficulty to let the holiday season pass by and have to explain to people that I wont be participating. I'm sure they would respect it, but it would take som serious adjusting- I have to admit it wont be easy.

What really was the result of this imagined scenario is that I remembered that I do have some Christian identity and things like that would be somewhat hard to give up. My mother was very big into Christmas and it was an immensely important part of my childhood, and for that reason moreso than the "everyone does it" reason it would be hard to let go of it.

Also, being Jewish over here seems like a whole different story, where Jewish people are the majority, where they have their homeland and it's a state based on a religion. Jewish people are the majority here, at home more minority. Would I be able to find a community? Would it be hard? Will I feel the same way about everything at home, not surrounded by Jewish lectures and Jewish cultural activities like Shabbat? Where I go to Catholic school with no fellow Jewish students? Here everyone talks about Jewish stuff, it's everyday culture, it's everywhere.

I dont know but for the first time it occured to me that maybe my location is having somewhat of an influence on my feelings about this whole subject.

Another reason this is coming up, is yesterday I met a boy (well not a boy since he has a masters degree in engineering from Cornell,) named Jared who has a mother who is not Jewish. He had to convert and it was great to talk to him. BUT he had been raised Jewish, the conversion seems more of a formality for him since his mother isn't Jewish, so he went to jewish camps, etc etc and it's just not exactly the same situation as me.

Sometimes I wish my parents had tried to do SOMETHING so I'm not left in the middle feeling torn and unsure. Why doesn't something just speak to me in a way that I dont run into these doubts? Isnt that how you're supposed to find religion? I feel like I'll never be sure of one. And how can I convert without absolute conviction? Other people have found it, why am I not finding that surety?

Jared had some helpful advice and descriptions of the different sects and which is best for what you're looking for. He actually started reform, converted to conservative and is now converting to orthodox- so he can really explain the differences and why he himself was moved to change so many times. However, he mentioned he is limited in the places he can live because you need a certain community for that- to keep kosher every day all the time you need special food, and to make sure there's a local syagouge and of course if you ever want to get married, orthodox women... that made me realize being Jewish at home is different than here. Not that I think difficulty and challenge should be a reason to give up on religion since any religion demands sacrifices, but at the same time, it isn't going to be what I'm seeing here so I cant really make judgement until I go home and see how I feel.

So I'm now reevaluating, again. It seems that it just keeps getting complicated but even as I struggle I still want it. Part of me wishes I could be happy with my own morals and ethics and personal beliefs about religion, but for some reason even with that I feel like I'm missing something.

Another "P.S" type post

So this is the second post today, so be sure to read the one below this as it has the bulk of today's activities. This is just a small blurb on tonight's torah based ethical lecture on life and death. More specifically topics like abortion and euthanasia and the Torah's stance on life. It was actually very complicated. The Torah's stance on abortion is actually quite complex, whereas the Catholic stance says life beings at conception- so destroying anything after that is a sin- more or less- simple straightforward, the Torah identifies different stages and goes into every possible situation it seems (or is that in the Talmud? Or just Rabbianic opinions... ?!)

At no point is it okay to abort, but it has complex set of justifications in which it is more acceptable, like within the first 30 days IF the mother's life is in danger, and what consitiutes danger, mental health issues, Jewish law tries to cover it all, which means you get into complex distinctions and lots of them.

We also got off topic about the status of bastard children, (there's a hebrew word for this) born out of adultery and how most Rabbis try to look the other way on this because according to Jewish law they can only marry others of their status, and if it isn't CERTAIN if they ARE or AREN'T its too risky and they can't mary ANYONE- BUT most rabbis just try to anull that whole thing by saying its impossible to prove, we dont want to say anything- so that people dont have to suffer that fate. Nice to know, actually. Also nice that he made the distinction children born to a jew and non jew are NOT of this status (whew).

We got into a lot of complex things, actually. Jewish law boggles the mind and yet they really seem to know it in and out and live by it. The whole time I should have been overwhelmed and frustrated trying to keep it all straight but I wasn't, it was fascinating. Even the Rabbi said you cant possibly understand the Torah without Rabbi help in interpreting it! There is also the Talmud which is a written form of the oral tradition which basically does just that- explains and interprets the Torah.

Anyway, long story short another great Rabbi Lecture at the student center =D

More wonderfulness.

So today I started my day by going to school t get a flashlight for my cave trip tomorrow. Now, there is this school store that has everything you could ever need in the entire world, if you don't believe me, here a list of examples of what it has:

Microphones
Webcams
DVD players
Headphones
Backpacks
flip flops
tshirts
Hats
Socks
Male/female underwear
school supplies (a whole lon aisle of everything you can think of)
Some food
Irons
Water filters
Lamps
Light bulbs
Nail clippers
Tweezers
Flashlights
Camping stuff
Water stuff (rafts/floaties)
Pots and pans
Cups and plates
Hygiene products (shampoo/soap/ feminine needs)
Surge protectors
Toaster ovens
Cosmetics
Batteries
Wallets

And it's not as big as you'd think, but it is the most epic store of everything and more everything and I got a flashlight there and was happy.

Then I got an iced coffee and chocolate filled crossaint, which of course was amazing. Sat down, had breakfast, got up, left campus, was halfway back to the student village when I realized my bag with my flashlight in it was not in my hand! I must have left it at my table. And do you all remember what they do to suspicious ungaurded bags? THEY BLOW THEM UP.

My poor brandy new flashlight was going to be blown up! (Just today Cary saw someone report a lone bag OF PASTA hangig on a railing at bus stop and it was taken away and inspected by a police officer!!!) I rushed back to campus bemoaning my poor bag sitting there looking like a possibly planted bomb and being taken away to be eradicted via dynamite.

When I got there, the bag was gone! Woe! I approached the counter to enquire and as soon as the guy saw me he pulled it out from where he had hidden it under the counter. I was so thankful, toda toda thank you thank you thank you! I said. And that is the story of how my flashlight avoided being blown up.

Then James, Cary and I met up to grab a cab to the rockefeller museum. The first cab driver didn't know where it was, so we waved him off. He went around the rotary and came back! He was on the phone trying to figure out where it was so he wouldnt lose the sale! Then he handed the phone to James! James told whoever was on the phone where we wanted to go but THAT guy didn't know either. While this was happeing Cary flagged down a second cab and said Rockfeller museum once and the woman knew exactly where it was. So James thrust the phone back at the driver and we hurried into the second cab. the woman quoted us a fair price and got us there without hassle or fuss. Cary and James were sure it was because it was a woman. Win!

The museum turned out to be FREE. Win again. It had amazing things in it, like skulls and whole skeletons from 10,000 years ago, when there was more than one species of human! Before homo sapien sapien had even evolved!! That's MIND BOGGLING. The oldest human remains ever found in this area were there in front of us. Crazy. And they had artifacts from then going all the way up until the 7/8th century C.E! I of course enjoyed the Egyptian remains from when Egypt ruled the area (we're talking in like 3000- 1500 BC- thats like 5,000 years ago!) and wish I could have taken pictures of all these skeletons and jewlery and really REALLY old stuff, but none were allowed.

So in a little over and hour we were done and didnt know what to do. We were rather close to the old city so I was itching to go back to that store and buy the rings and the tshirt. But we were on the other side and I ddn't want to walk by myself. Luckily the group of us (another girl, Lauren, had joined us at the museum) decided to walk towards Ben Yehuda for a drink. To get there we had to walk on the edge of the muslim section, which James said would have made Rothberg (our school) flip out, but it was just along the main road, right outside of the old city so, I didn't see any harm as long as we didnt go wander inside the neighborhood. Which we didn't!

So then we get to Jaffa gate and the group is going to Ben Yehuda. The store is so close just inside, and it's in the Jewish quarter. I feel so safe in the Jewish quarter. It's modern and bright and open with well marked streets and no market at all. No shop keepers and stalls and confusing bazaars. Crispy angel was on my shoulder saying no, stay with the group! It doesnt matter if you know where you're going! Then his mother popped on my metaphorical shoulder too adding, "You'll make Chris worry!" And I frowned, I didnt want that. But it was the jewish quarter! I decided to make the decision for myself. It was just inside the gates, straight and then a left, in an open courtyard. It was safe, it was familiar, I had ust been there with Miriam and with class and dozens of times before.

Stubborn, I know. But it was just a quick trip, a small detour. AND I employed what I call the "New York walk" all business, fast paced, looking ahead, completely confident and uninterested in surroundings. It worked BRILLIANTLY. I wove between the tourists like I had been here for months, nothing new to see. No one said anything and in moments, I was in the safety of the nice, familiar Jewish quarter. I felt fine and comfortable. In a bright sunny courtyard where the shop was, a group of Jewish guys in kippas were playing acoustic guitars, siging a lovely rendition of the Killers' "Mr. Brightside" People sat under shade and it wasnt crowded or loud. Ahh, what a relief!

I went in the store and the man helped me size the rings. They hadn't had sizes on them but he had a sizer behind the counter! So Chris' mother had told me the size of his class ring and I asked the guy if people's ring sizes change, in say, four years. He said no, so I hope it fits! I also got the t-shirt I wanted and since I had returned he gave me 15 shekels off (the first time he had given me 30 shekels off). Nice, nice man.

In moments again I was outside the gates and on my way to the bus, feeling smug. This is where you expect something bad to happen and me to regret it, but no, as I'm walking, Cary pops out of a bagel shop where they had stopped to have lunch! So I crossed the street and rejoined the group and we made our way to the bus together. Awww happy ending. At the bus stop we were standing next to this guy in civilian clothes with this massive machine gun. I mean It was so big and complicated and dangerous looking just hanging off this guy in a collered tshirt and jeans. What?! Only here folks. Cary was going to sneak a picture and tag me in it, but just as she got out her camera, our bus came! How unlucky.

Speaking of that, last night Jesse, James and I went to get these amazing waffles and there was this short girl in a tank top and jeans with an old rifle just strapped on her like nothing, on the phone waiting to order a waffle. No uniform or sign of soldier status at all, just a huge gun on her back. Crazy. And all these people in the army with these guns are younger than me! Crazy. Anyway, more importantly I had the most epic waffle, half was covered in hot chocolate with coconut shavings, the other half was vanilla cream with coconut shavings. This waffle place had every topping you could think of, and I mean that! It was PACKED. You had to be aggresive to order and I epically failed so Jesse butted in for me and told the girl to take my order.

Then Jesse left and James and I went to a cafe because he wanted a beer and so I ordered a chai milkshake. it was phenomenal! So soon we headed back on the bus and that was that. Tonight I'm going to another Rabbi/Torah talk, with free food!

Nice!

Also, on the walk to the waffle place, Jesse was talking to me about converting and he said actually Judaism isn't big on converts and their very serious about making sure you mean it. Apparently a Rabbi will turn you away like five times!! Just hearing that was discouraging, BUT I think Jesse is talking from an Orthodox point of view and i dont want to be orthodox, so I'm hoping the other sects are more welcoming IF I do choose to go down that road.

So I'm very tired and thinking a nap before the talk sounds like a brilliant idea! Off I go to nap.

Shabbat Shalom

Today has been a long, long day. But a wonderful day. I had been bummed out when I went to bed because I had no one to go with me to the old city in the morning. And as you who have been reading know, going alone isn't very fun. BUT at exactly 6:51 I get a text from my friend Miriam who I went to the Holocaust museum with and she says she changed plans and will be around. Wonderful! So, I catch a 9:00 AM bus, forgoing sleeping in and head down. My first goal is to pick up some art. Unfortunately, it's expensive art. So I get some small prints, as the originals are 400 dollars. Yeah, I dont have that kind of money. though my heart belongs to a painting of a rabbi and soldier praying side by side at the western wall. Nevertheless, I'm very pleased, I have a picture of a lone soldier praying at the western wall, a rabbi walking up stairs with a prayer shawl on in the old city and just a scenic view of a part of the old city. So. Happy.

Then, we go to this store run by a friend of her fathers. It has lots of nice jewlery. Everything is religiously based though- on the Jewish religion, by the way. I spent probably more money than I should have, on a olive branch ring which is very tasteful and a small bracelet inscribed with "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem" in Hebrew. There were also these rings that said "I am my beloved, and my beloved is mine" in Hebrew, and I wanted nothing more than to get a matching pair for Chris and I, but I didnt know his ring size and they didnt have the sizes on them and I wasnt sure he would have worn it on a chain. Later I talked to him and he said he would and I thought it was the greatest thing ever because that would mean a lot to me, more than I realized at the time, but now that I think of it, I want nothing more than to go back and get a matching set for us. I think it would be very meaningful and deep and special to me, especially being inscribed in Hebrew. I'm toying with the idea of learning it though it's especially hard and I'm bad at languages. I want to learn it more than I wanted to learn Italian in Italy though.

Also there was a saucy t-shirt I want to get. It has the header "Civilizations that have tried to destroy the Jewish people" or something along those lines and it lists them and next to each has an X under the heading "Status" and each says "gone" next to it after the X. Like nazi germany, the crusaders, ancient egypt, etc, (its an awfully long list) and at the bottom of the list is Iran with question marks suggesting that it will be the next to disappear when it tries to come up against the jewish nation. At the bottom it says, the jewish people might be the smallest of nations but we have friends in high places... so be NICE.

I want it.

So, our wallets much lighter, we set out to find the market I had previously not been able to find. And we did! I was thrilled, I got my beloved rugalah and cheap cheap produce. A carton full of grapes which is 20 shekels at the store was 7 here. That's less than 2 dollars for a big big bunch of fresh green grapes. AMAZING!!! Why am I just finding this market now?! And why is it a bus ride and twenty minute walk away from me?! Anyway Miriam ad I had a great time there.

After the market it was so hot I came back to the dorm earlier than I had planned and was going to do hardcore homework. But five pages into it the heat had exhausted me so much and getting up early had done me in so I took a nap. When I awoke, rather a long while later, magically Chris was online. So, homework pushed aside. Then Jesse invited me to the Western Wall at sundown on Shabbat which is a very special experience so I jumped on that even though it meant leaving Chris. So no homework then either.

But, the Western wall at sundown was a very special thing to see. The woman's side was more solemn and more like the usual sight you see. But I was glad to put a note in to give prayers for some special people. It was also amazing to see the little girls touch the wall and kiss ther hands like the older woman. They grow up knowing how special it is. Even girls a bit older had prayer books and were really into the praying which was something powerful to see. However, the men's side, which is much different, was even more fascinating.

See, it's not all solemn praying there. There were groups singing and bobbing and danging in circles. And I dont mean like kumbayah, I mean lively hebrew songs, celebrating Shabbat! Rejoicing! It was so much fun! And mixed in are Jews of every type, soldiers in uniform, ultra orthodox in big hats and all black, every day dressed guys in kippas, some rocking back and forth praying, some still, some singing, just this huge mix of people coming together on Shabbat at this Holy place. There was such emotion and feeling and it just felt special. It was also so so so packed. I wanted to be a part of it, I mean really a part of it. I could go and stand but I didnt know the prayers, couldnt read hebrew, just it wasn't what these people were getting from it. i wanted THAT. I wanted to know the songs, to know the prayers.

So I was glad I saw it though. The more I see the more I fall in love with Judaism. On the way back Jesse suggested we go to the student center's shabbat dinner. I have never been to a Shabbat dinner. But I decided to be brave and go even though I, again, knew nothing! It was run by a hasidic (Ultra orthodox) Jewish man and his wife, and they ran it they way they would if we were at their home. She had the most beautiful baby boy- almost ten months. Oh he was such a happy baby, getting passed around, I even got to hold him. I have always wanted a girl myself, but this baby boy had my heart, He had big blue eyes and was gooing and ga-ing and being precious the whole time. Anyway, the shabbat dinner begins with some singing, I didnt know the words but it was interesting to listen. Then you have to wash your hands a special way, theres a cup in the sink you fill and then pour some two times over the right hand and then two times over the left. So we all did that, and after you washed you couldn't speak until the bread was blessed, and then you got to eat!

The meal was served in courses, and you had to use a different fork and plate for the fish and for the meat, in between you either took a shot of something hard (liquor) or a bit of bread to separate them. I had skipped the fish so no problem for me. During the meal, jesse and another boy got into a really intense debate on politics and were talking very loudly over each other. Some people kind of told them to calm down and quiet down because it's shabbat and not a time for that kind of intense debate. Thats for the week but shabbat is more of a reflective time, where people put all that kind of stuff away, so their tension was ruining the mood. But Jesse is so pig headed he either didnt notice or care. I made friends with an Israeli boy across from me who joked about it and used the chance to strike up a converstaion with me. He said dont ask them to pass something, if you interrupt you might get punched in the face! Haha! the one point we got to switch topics we talked about cultural difference between Israelis and Americans and then British people since there was a British boy at our table. That was the nice low key shabbat coversation we should have been having!

There were actually almost no Americans there! People were from Israel, Argentina, Canada, the Netherlands, London, and many other countries! And all jewish! It was great!

So the meal went by fairly well aside from the constant back and forth between jesse and this boy which was just a tad too loud and a bit too intense for my liking. I would have liked the more relaxed conversation. I could tell the very polite refined British boy on the other side of Jesse was getting a headache and didn't really appreciate it either. Though they were both enjoying themselves and most people took it in good grace, I felt badly when I saw that he didnt seem to be very happy about it. He's working on his PhD research here, and is very slight, shorter than me and just seems like, an intellectual- he spoke quietly, not whispering but in a refined manner that piqued my interest about his personality. His accent is more refined than James', cleaner and there something about him that just fascinates me. He's so slight, his frame! He's blond too which is kind of rare for Jewish people, most have darker coloring.

So anyway, after the meal the Hasdic Jewish man gave us a talk, and it was a bit jumpy from topic to topic I thought but good nonetheless. Of course Jesse was disagreeing with things under his breath and I wanted to kick him and tell him to be polite and wait to say it elsewhere. He has issues with their community, but anyway. After the talk Jesse did have some valid points, I'll admit but honestly he could have sat quietly instead of whispering under his breath- no one else noticed but me - it was almost imperceptible, but I DID notice and again thought him rude. On the walk back from the wall I had another of those moments where he seemed very preppy and spoiled and just rubbed me the wrong way. But then at one poit I asked when it would be over ad he said I could leave whenever since the eating part was done, no one would say anything or mind. but he said he would. I thought he was just giving me a hard time and called him an ass. He was like, "No, I meant, it, like I want you to stay! Like I want you to be here," So he was being nice ad I called him an ass since I thought he was just being difficult. I apologized and explained how I had heard it and he repeated that no he hadnt meant it that way. Sometimes I just fail at social interactions. Though it was funny that the Israeli boy across from me said that Jesse was bad at gauging other people's feelings, since he hadnt picked up on that it wasnt the time for such a debate.

Anyway the quote I leave you with from the talk is this:

"Happiness is not a person with a certain circumstance, it is a person with a certain perspective"

I really like the idea. I liked his talk. Everytime I have heard a jewish person speak or give a lecture on Jewish morality or thought I have really agreed. I left resolved to read the books I got on Judaism purely out of interest, I really like their outlook on life, I like their customs, I like how big a role religion plays in their life, how it creates thier community and really seems to give them something no one else quite has. Though I suppose any religion is like that. I've just see it more here.

The boy I had made friends with across the table made a prediction, after I told him about my lack of religious affiliation (due to my parents etc etc) He said I predict you will convert, return here and meet and marry an Israeli man. I laughed a bit and said maybe. I hadnt really thought about converting, not yet, it seems overwhelming, there is so much to know so so much I dont know. But then I thought about how you are expected to marry another Jewish person and frowned. I think it's only orthodox that really upholds that but still, why is there always something I can't handle?

I really do think I'm going to look into Judaism, I'm so happy I got the books, I just wish I had time to read them now!!!

but it's late now and I have had another wonderful look into a jewish tradtion, today- of the Shabbat meal! And again I immensely enjoyed it despite being slightly awkward and out of place when everyone else knew the words and songs and prayers. I really want that for myself in some community. I want the familiarity, the routine, the community but I cant let be the only reason I convert. I have to AGREE and really feel ac onnection toit, the whole religion- not just those aspects. But so far what I have learned I admire, except for certain strict rules, but with all the differnt sects I would have to look into each to see who follows what. Who knows maybe there is hope in the future...