I dont think I need to say what inspired this after my last entry. It was written quickly, very rough.
Sometimes
Sometimes it comes down to crying
Until the thickest, darkest makeup
Has been turned into grayish smears
In strange blotchy shapes under your eyes.
Then it’s time to take that shuddering,
Exhausted breath, make a cup of tea,
And move on. Because sometimes,
All you can do is say I’m sorry;
I was wrong in the strongest voice you can manage,
And then again, silently, inside,
To yourself. (That part always has to come next.)
Sometimes, fixing it is about remembering to breathe
Until it blows over. About meaning when you say
It wont happen again.
Sometimes, when there is no blowout,
No yelling- just concern and uncomfortable
Confessions, sometimes that’s when it’s the hardest.
When you understand the other side more than your own,
When there is no argument on your tongue,
When it’s about realizations and mistakes-
Those are the talks you remember most,
And those are the times that teach you that
Sometimes the hardest parts of growing up
Happen in the quietest ways.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Growing Up.
Sometimes, I think we all need a reality check.
Recently, I was thinking I had everything pretty under control, and for the most part, I do- on paper. But sometimes we all make stupid decisions. No, I didn't get arrested. Or thrown out of school. But I did get caught up in the recent phenomenon of the likes of celebs like Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a few other internet celebs who have recently begun getting media attention for pushing the status quo. Or something. I wont lie-I KNOW Lady Gaga weirds people out- sometimes she even does things that offend. It seems like it's the next big thing.
Now I for one, have never been into whatever the "big thing" is at the moment- but this has got me for some reason. I have always been into "gothic" style- real dark make up- chains, baggy clothes- stuff that weirded people out. And when I was a teenager I guess it was a very teenager thing to be into- right? How this started or why I cannot even trace. But recently I have been having a hard time letting it go and the recent popularity of these crazy celebrities was bringing out my inner 16 year old something fierce. I guess I wanted to become my own brand of gothic flashy. I really wanted some cool, outlandish pictures of my own.
Now, when I say outlandish, I mean prop wise. Make-up wise. Black make-up is one thing, but posing with tools and kitchenware is another. But in my mind it was so Lady Gaga- so weird and possibly unflattering- just what I thought the world needed in a sea of Britney Spears. Personally, I find the likes of Lady Gaga refreshing, unexpected and innovative- sometimes in the wrong ways- but that's why I was attracted to her and it was my motivation for trying to develop a gothic version of her style. I wanted to go against the grain in all sorts of ways. I remember writing "I wanna be bizarre and experimental!" and in my head- that's what it was. Experimental. Apparently, I didn't stop long enough to realize "experimental" can be done tastefully with symbolism and subtlety. But, being 21 and dazed by the media- I grabbed my digital camera, my black make up, and whatever gothic outfit i could find and ran off to show the world I was DIFFERENT too.
However, just like experimental doesn't have to be shocking- different doesn't have to be outrageous. Or distasteful.
Oh the things life teaches you. The hard way.
I suppose a little piece of me wanted to be provocative too. Not sexually so- I would never show skin to do so. But yes, provocative- it was that defiant inner 16 year old who wanted to rebel again the norm peeking her head out.
Anyway- so I ran around for a day. Made Christmas photos with knives and axes in a short black skirt. In my head it was a grand project culminating in innovation that went against norms and was my very own gothic brand a'la Gaga.
What it was in REALITY- was a collection of pictures that made me look mentally deranged, possibly emotionally unstable and definitely not a good role model for the younger memebers of my family. And THAT I want way more than whatever vestiges of my inner 16 year old was pining away for, waving mental images of celebrities across my mind.
Furthermore, that kind of action gets celebrities more record sales, magazine covers and attention they use productively.
I however, am an aspiring LIBRARIAN who hopes to go to grad school next fall. And provocation is not the way to get there. Nor is it a way to make my family proud. And that has always been my greatest achievement- making my family proud. It's how I measure my successes. They probably don't realize that- oh well, maybe they do. I have always been star struck by my older cousins- for far longer and in a far, far deeper ways than this silly pseudo obsession with the likes of Lady Gaga and her contemporaries. I have aspired to lead a life like theirs. I can't do that if I insist on indulging my inner sixteen year old. Nor can I if I fail to be the kind of example that makes my extended family proud to lead my younger cousins the way my older cousins led me.
Oh wait, story isn't over.
I posted my pictures on facebook. Yes. the internet. Granted a somewhat private aspect of the internet- the internet is nonetheless the internet. And facebook was where everyone I cared about was. And here I was, still not seeing what these pictures were REALLY portraying.
Here, I would like to say I soon realized that they were inappropriate and unprofessional and soon took them down.
I cannot do that. I was approached by someone I loved very much who was very uncomfortable about them. With every reason, especially considering the brash way I displayed them.
And well, then I saw them for what they were and the consequences they had- not just on a future job but in my mind- more importantly- by affecting how my FAMILY was seeing me.
It was then, I really did see a whole other set of pictures. I felt foolish and naive, and very, very much like a sixteen year old. Sure, I hadn't gone out and found a sketchy photographer and gotten explicit photos of myself that would forever haunt me but by my standards- this was just as bad.
And so, I was given a reality check. About who I really want to be, and what's important to me. About growing up and leaving whatever inner sixteen year old need I have to follow the lead of crazy celebrities BEHIND ME.
This is about realizing I have my OWN identity- my academic acheivement is something I want to define me much more than an adolescent style I haven't been able to let go of.
This post has been very important for me to type out- it's really allowed me to cement my new found goal of learning from this- and moving forward into being a professional, mature young woman.
I will end by admitting, I have had a reoccurring conversation with Chris about how conflicted I have been about leaving behind the style of my youth. Not because I do not want to grow up but because I have always felt beautiful in the outlandish makeup and clothing, I have felt most honest when basing myself off those outlandish figures that I considered to be beautiful and stylish. And I know that the world does not agree with heavy black make up, chains, spikes and ill fitting clothing as what is acceptable. I want to succeed in a career and I do not think dressing professionally is the end of the world, however, I was still clinging to that style- unwilling to let it go for whatever reason.
However, I think this helped. Honestly. I needed to be able to see that style through the world's eyes. And in seeing it through a concerned family members words I was able to understand where everyone else is coming from, and how they see that- "provocative" style I was going for.
When it comes down to it though. I want to be a respected librarian more than anything else in the world. I want to be admired as I admired my cousins. And now I'm ready to become that person. That conflict really was an issue for me- and these photos was a manifestation of it in the worst of ways.
So this blog is a reflection about reality checks and growing up and figuring out who you are or want to be. It's about realizing I'm not that grown up yet but it's time to put the pedal to the metal on THAT goal. And it's about being thankful for those who provide those relaity checks.
Oh- by the way- the pictures are gone. And grad school apps are in. And maybe, I'm a teeny tad bit wiser now than I was a few hours ago.
Recently, I was thinking I had everything pretty under control, and for the most part, I do- on paper. But sometimes we all make stupid decisions. No, I didn't get arrested. Or thrown out of school. But I did get caught up in the recent phenomenon of the likes of celebs like Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a few other internet celebs who have recently begun getting media attention for pushing the status quo. Or something. I wont lie-I KNOW Lady Gaga weirds people out- sometimes she even does things that offend. It seems like it's the next big thing.
Now I for one, have never been into whatever the "big thing" is at the moment- but this has got me for some reason. I have always been into "gothic" style- real dark make up- chains, baggy clothes- stuff that weirded people out. And when I was a teenager I guess it was a very teenager thing to be into- right? How this started or why I cannot even trace. But recently I have been having a hard time letting it go and the recent popularity of these crazy celebrities was bringing out my inner 16 year old something fierce. I guess I wanted to become my own brand of gothic flashy. I really wanted some cool, outlandish pictures of my own.
Now, when I say outlandish, I mean prop wise. Make-up wise. Black make-up is one thing, but posing with tools and kitchenware is another. But in my mind it was so Lady Gaga- so weird and possibly unflattering- just what I thought the world needed in a sea of Britney Spears. Personally, I find the likes of Lady Gaga refreshing, unexpected and innovative- sometimes in the wrong ways- but that's why I was attracted to her and it was my motivation for trying to develop a gothic version of her style. I wanted to go against the grain in all sorts of ways. I remember writing "I wanna be bizarre and experimental!" and in my head- that's what it was. Experimental. Apparently, I didn't stop long enough to realize "experimental" can be done tastefully with symbolism and subtlety. But, being 21 and dazed by the media- I grabbed my digital camera, my black make up, and whatever gothic outfit i could find and ran off to show the world I was DIFFERENT too.
However, just like experimental doesn't have to be shocking- different doesn't have to be outrageous. Or distasteful.
Oh the things life teaches you. The hard way.
I suppose a little piece of me wanted to be provocative too. Not sexually so- I would never show skin to do so. But yes, provocative- it was that defiant inner 16 year old who wanted to rebel again the norm peeking her head out.
Anyway- so I ran around for a day. Made Christmas photos with knives and axes in a short black skirt. In my head it was a grand project culminating in innovation that went against norms and was my very own gothic brand a'la Gaga.
What it was in REALITY- was a collection of pictures that made me look mentally deranged, possibly emotionally unstable and definitely not a good role model for the younger memebers of my family. And THAT I want way more than whatever vestiges of my inner 16 year old was pining away for, waving mental images of celebrities across my mind.
Furthermore, that kind of action gets celebrities more record sales, magazine covers and attention they use productively.
I however, am an aspiring LIBRARIAN who hopes to go to grad school next fall. And provocation is not the way to get there. Nor is it a way to make my family proud. And that has always been my greatest achievement- making my family proud. It's how I measure my successes. They probably don't realize that- oh well, maybe they do. I have always been star struck by my older cousins- for far longer and in a far, far deeper ways than this silly pseudo obsession with the likes of Lady Gaga and her contemporaries. I have aspired to lead a life like theirs. I can't do that if I insist on indulging my inner sixteen year old. Nor can I if I fail to be the kind of example that makes my extended family proud to lead my younger cousins the way my older cousins led me.
Oh wait, story isn't over.
I posted my pictures on facebook. Yes. the internet. Granted a somewhat private aspect of the internet- the internet is nonetheless the internet. And facebook was where everyone I cared about was. And here I was, still not seeing what these pictures were REALLY portraying.
Here, I would like to say I soon realized that they were inappropriate and unprofessional and soon took them down.
I cannot do that. I was approached by someone I loved very much who was very uncomfortable about them. With every reason, especially considering the brash way I displayed them.
And well, then I saw them for what they were and the consequences they had- not just on a future job but in my mind- more importantly- by affecting how my FAMILY was seeing me.
It was then, I really did see a whole other set of pictures. I felt foolish and naive, and very, very much like a sixteen year old. Sure, I hadn't gone out and found a sketchy photographer and gotten explicit photos of myself that would forever haunt me but by my standards- this was just as bad.
And so, I was given a reality check. About who I really want to be, and what's important to me. About growing up and leaving whatever inner sixteen year old need I have to follow the lead of crazy celebrities BEHIND ME.
This is about realizing I have my OWN identity- my academic acheivement is something I want to define me much more than an adolescent style I haven't been able to let go of.
This post has been very important for me to type out- it's really allowed me to cement my new found goal of learning from this- and moving forward into being a professional, mature young woman.
I will end by admitting, I have had a reoccurring conversation with Chris about how conflicted I have been about leaving behind the style of my youth. Not because I do not want to grow up but because I have always felt beautiful in the outlandish makeup and clothing, I have felt most honest when basing myself off those outlandish figures that I considered to be beautiful and stylish. And I know that the world does not agree with heavy black make up, chains, spikes and ill fitting clothing as what is acceptable. I want to succeed in a career and I do not think dressing professionally is the end of the world, however, I was still clinging to that style- unwilling to let it go for whatever reason.
However, I think this helped. Honestly. I needed to be able to see that style through the world's eyes. And in seeing it through a concerned family members words I was able to understand where everyone else is coming from, and how they see that- "provocative" style I was going for.
When it comes down to it though. I want to be a respected librarian more than anything else in the world. I want to be admired as I admired my cousins. And now I'm ready to become that person. That conflict really was an issue for me- and these photos was a manifestation of it in the worst of ways.
So this blog is a reflection about reality checks and growing up and figuring out who you are or want to be. It's about realizing I'm not that grown up yet but it's time to put the pedal to the metal on THAT goal. And it's about being thankful for those who provide those relaity checks.
Oh- by the way- the pictures are gone. And grad school apps are in. And maybe, I'm a teeny tad bit wiser now than I was a few hours ago.
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