Reflections at 25, or, Am I Wise Yet? (Probably Not)

I have this very bright, colorful, half sleeve tattoo. It shows a tree with the seasons changing across it. And around the tree, symbols of each season become those of the next season. Shapes of butterflies turn to birds, which turn to leaves, which turn to snowflakes. It’s symbolic of accepting change and embracing the next phase in life- or the next adventure in life.

You probably get the general idea, you’re smart people.

Anyway, I got this tattoo after I moved cross country to Tucson, because I wanted to always remember that embracing a huge, scary change had brought me such wonderful happiness.

To recap, I came to Tucson and pretty much immediately found an incredible great guy, great friends, fulfilling hobbies, and everything just kept getting better and better. The parts I hated, like being stuck working in a re-purposed closet with no human contact even improved- I was moved to a spacious office with a window.

By the time I had been in Tucson a full year, I was moved into my boyfriend’s house, living a life that was the equivalent of puppies-kittens-rainbows-and-unicorns as far as I could see. We lived right near a bike path and I would ride my bike alongside a gorgeous view of the mountains in the morning, and all the people would say Good Morning with a smile, and they’d all be so friendly. I’d go home and make pancakes for my boyfriend and I and we’ve have a nice breakfast together. I’d walk the dog along paths for hours.

We’d go to family dinners each week, we’d grocery shop together, we’d hike together. Domestic bliss was mine. I could see myself living like that forever. I looked forward to going home every single day. I looked forward to everything we did together- even the absolute mundane.  As far as I was concerned, everything was as perfect as could be.

And eventually, somehow, I gradually went from thinking I could live like that forever, to that I would live like that forever.  I never really consciously decided this, but… more or less, I imagined my future in the happy home, surrounded by the family and happy life we had built together.

I’m sure I am not the first person to get way ahead of themselves.  I was prancing along in my happy bubble, so enamored with my wonderful, perfect life, that I didn’t realize that at some point, I guess I was alone in my happy bubble. The happy bubble of kittens-puppies-unicorns-rainbows-let’s-do-this-forever… well, it had an occupant of one.

Needless to say, my boyfriend wasn’t miserable (I hope) but I was simply not his One. You know, The One.

Again, I’m sure this is also not super unique.

What might have been unique is that he was very considerate about breaking this to me.  He was kind, and patient, and caring, and he did it the absolute hardest way- facing the tears, and more tears, and multiple explanations, and the absolute hardest process- bursting my bubble of completely oblivious joy. And watching me get hit with an emotional freight train.

And suddenly, I wasn’t just losing a person I loved, I was losing everything (or so it felt at the time). The family I had come to love, the place I begun to consider home, my routine, my domestic bliss.

And of course, my job decides to get cut short around this time, too.

And I obviously have to move out.

And my entire picture of my frolicking-through-life future is shattered.

And then, change sucked.

I hated change. It brought loss, instability, heartbreak, and harsh truths and realities. And what’s worse is that everyone who caused some loss in my life- both in my professional and person life- they were as considerate as possible about it. They tried to do right by me in every way possible.

Looking back, I can say I was lucky- even though my entire life fell apart at the seams and I had to make an entire new plan from scratch in the middle of my very first heartbreak… it could have been worse.  No one wronged me. No one was careless about my feelings, no one just brushed me off.

The important part is that I, of course, did not see it this way at the time. Suddenly, I couldn’t remember that whole embrace change thing I had been so enamored with. Gee, I was so naïve. Change was awful. I wished nothing had ever changed.

But it would have, inevitably, and it probably would have been a lot messier had people not faced some very hard actions sooner rather than later- for my sake.

But the point of this story is mostly me learning that experiences like change aren’t always –oh-my-God-the-best-thing-ever… but that doesn’t mean they can’t still bring wonderful things. In fact sometimes, even what change is awful, and hard, and ab-sol-utely-fucking-terrifying, it can (eventually) bring amazing things.

Now, just shy of exactly four months later I am sitting at my computer marveling at all the wonderful people in my life that I have gained through what I thought was losing everything. Yesterday, for my birthday celebrations I was surrounded by a brother and sister in law I think the world of, friends who all came out and joined my birthday celebrations, and reminders of people back home I’ve stayed immensely close to who love me and have stayed close despite huge geographical differences.

After moving out of my boyfriend’s house and being faced with a job search, I was sick with heartbreak and stress. I couldn’t sleep, I was literally sick, and I was terrified of the sudden blank slate that was my future like it spelled certain doom and misery. Change was not exciting, or wonderful. It was terrifying.

And I learned the hard way, that yeah, sometimes change is going to suck. It’s going to be terrifying and sad, but that doesn’t mean it can’t bring great things. I became so much closer to my friends while I was single. I focused on building an amazing, close relationship with my brother and sister in law I hadn’t known until I moved out to Tucson. I faced my fear of unemployment and found a great job in a place I am so, so, so, excited to move to in a month. I found two great roommates and a new house to call home. And then I did it again.

In short, like plenty of people out there have done before me and will do after me, I picked up the pieces.  I eventually moved on. And things are better than okay. I am insanely fortunate. I have such amazing people in my life who make me feel loved, and like I will always have a place in this world, even when it feels like I’ve lost everything.

And even that worst parts aren’t so horrible now that I can look back on them. I had a very happy relationship that brought me not only a wonderful guy, but his family, his home, and over a year of my life I will always look back on fondly. And I’ll have that again someday.

And now, over a year after actually getting my tattoo, I stand by the whole embracing change mentality- probably more so than I ever could have when I got it. Because maybe now, next time, even when it’s scary and awful, and I don’t want it, I can look back on this experience and remember that really, really good things can come out of bad events.

And, in a way, I’m even glad everything fell apart because life isn’t so scary anymore. I made it through. I picked up the pieces. I gained positive from the negative. And if I have to, I know I’ve done it once and I can do it again.

Funny how things work out in the end.

Happy 25^th birthday to me (well, almost, but three days early still counts). And thanks to everyone in my life who has inspired the warm, loved, fuzzy feelings that inspire long blog posts musing on life lessons.

(And you know what? I’m really glad I got that tattoo. )

Back Again

So, I really like the idea of having an online journal that I post to throughout the years. This one started in the summer after Junior year- 2009. It's only been three years but gosh how my life has changed. It's been over a year since I updated (okay, by now it's obvious- I'm notorious for being bad at keeping up with these things regularly) and I could not have predicted how well my life would turn out (I'm still in almost constant awe of it, actually).

 So let's get everyone up to date:

 July 31, 2011: Successfully graduated graduate school with a Master's Degree in Library Science with a specialization in Archives, Preservation and Records Management (don't poke too hard at that last one, I was never crazy about it). Like most of my class, I was groomed by the recession to think I'd end up working in a mall, staggering under student loan debt, unable to get a job in my field. Trust me, my class in grad school was pretty much a collective Debbie Downer. So while this was a lovely achievement I was also terrified of the future.

Let me reiterate: terrified.

September 1, 2012: Move back home. Am not in complete and utter despair yet- hooray for holding it together! Apply to jobs. Enjoy having Dad paying for groceries again (I hope I get points for honesty here).

September 26-30, 2011: Have Skype interview for a job in my field. Get job in my field. Take job in my field with almost insane relief and celebratory giddiness.

October: Make plans to move across the country to Tucson Arizona without ever having so much as set foot in the entire western half of the U.S. Hooray for riding off into the sunset! Literally. And moving into a house with a roommate sight unseen. It all worked out brilliantly, by the way. I count myself as very lucky.

October 30, 2011: Begin a five day drive across country to start working as a contractor for the National Park Service, which unfortunately involves no frolicking outside whatsoever. Though I do eat lunch at a picnic table under a tree every day.


November 5, 2011: Meet Andy. And this, my friends, is important.

Okay. So it's been 9 months since that last part. And what have I been doing in my shiny, new life as a gainfully employed adult? Well, I think it's time for another list (woooo!).

1) Being really, really, really happy with Andy. We now live together. I'm as happy as a clam in his cozy house with his two cats. It's now home. I hung chimes outside the front door, hung photos of New England fall and winter (that I took) on the walls, mastered the art of having a garbage disposal for the first time and have settled myself in quite nicely. My next project is to slowly transform his courtyard into a little cozy place of happy.

We live right never a river-walk where I bike every day. We have a garage (which actually only holds half of the vehicles we own between us) and we live right around the corner from a nice plaza. There's a pool in his subdivision. We have a gorgeous view of the mountains. We don't fight, we split chores. We're happy.

Oh, here is one of Andy's gorgeous kitties:

 2) Volunteering- I used to volunteer with a wildlife rescue. This involved handling a lot of birds of prey. It was unlike anything I had gotten to do before. Since I've moved I'm working on volunteering with the Humane Society. It's a five minute drive down the road. Which is awesome. I'm hoping to get my dog fix through dog walking and work lots of special events speaking with the public and helping with adoptions.

 3) Hiking in the mountains. Andy and I do this together. Its breathtaking each and every time. I dont know if I'll ever be able to leave the mountains. We just don't get mountains like this on the East coast. Here's the view from one of our hikes:

And another view:

We've also gone camping and summitted the highest peak in Arizona. Hiking is our go to recreation and I love having an endless supply of new mountain trails to explore.

 4) I've shot a gun. This wasn't something I set out to do, but Andy is a police officer and is well versed in shooting, responsibly of course. However, outside of his job he also enjoys the skill it takes. He doesn't hunt, he just shoots for the challenge of mastering the skill. And trust me- there is a lot (and I mean an exhausting amount) to learn about how to responsibly handle and aim a gun. And there are so many kinds. A massive shotgun is nothing like a hand gun. And before you even hold one you should now the basic safety rules, the parts and the theory of aiming, using the safety and holding the gun properly. I've learned to have a lot of respect for those who handle guns responsibly. It's a big commitment to master it safely. Andy has taken me shooting a few times and I think it would take me years to ever be skilled at it. It takes hours of practice to be skilled like Police Officers are. I never really thought much about guns (why would I?) but it was an unexpected discovery to get to learn about them. Here's a picture of me shooting, under the supervision of both Andy and another Police Officer and his brother who is experienced with guns.

I actually don't handle large guns like that well and much prefer the holstered one (did you notice that there?)

Note my spiffy safety gear. Those ear muffs are stylin', STYLIN' I say!

5) I've flown a plane. This was only once. I came to the conclusion that it's far too expensive as a hobby. But I was the main pilot and it wa sphenomenal. They have plenty of places to take lessons here and I spent some of my tax return trying it out- you know, on the offhand that someday I would have oodles of money to throw around. Ha. Here's the plane I piloted:

6) Oh yeah, I also work. Work isn't bad, but it's nothing to write home about. The good news is I have friends there and I have lunch buddies. And I get paid. Right now I'm signed on through September 2013- about a year from now. And we'll see where I go from there. But I'd really like to stay in Tucson, especially with my current happiness with Andy. I'm kind of planning on it at the moment but the details are a little hazy due to the unpredictability of trying to plan over a year into the future.

Where I nom:


7) I bought my very first car. It's a less than practical car, I have to admit. But gosh it's beautiful and lovely to be in. I have to say Andy being a car fanatic might have rubbed off on me. I am not sure I would have went for an Audi a year ago but I don't regret it. So far, a month into ownership (and a battle with the dealership over warranty) later, I'm still happy with it. It's a nice opposite match to Andy's black Mustang!

Her name is Isabella. Izzy for short. 

and here's one of Andy's babies- such a guy car!

Andy is too cool to name his cars. Poor identity-less car. 

8) I've added to the tattoo collection. This is going to be a full half sleeve when I complete it this Saturday. It's a tree and will have all four seasons passing around my arm (hence the autumn colors) in the tree. It symbolizes accepting change and the next phase of life. I got it because moving here and embracing something new and letting go of the last phase of my life (as a student) was both scary and the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm excited for what changes lie ahead and accepting that life goes through seasons and it's better to embrace and enjoy them than resist them and long for the past. I feel it's important to symbolize the life lessons through art and I chose to do so on my body. I love each and every one of my tattoos because I could tell my life story through them. And each has such deep and significant meaning to me. It's been six years since I started getting tattoos and I'd never go back. It's also fun that people go months and and months knowing me and never see them. And then they are fascinated that I have them and most people are impressed with the artwork.

9) Modeling: I didn't do it for a good six months but I'm getting back into it- or trying to. Here's a few photos from my one shoot out here in Tucson:

Anyway, those are the big things. I can usually be found reading, writing (I'm writing a lot more these days), riding my bike, having dinner with Andy's family once a week (they are WONDERFUL), hiking, working, and generally enjoying life. I'm incredibly lucky that I have a good job, friends, hobbies and an amazing home and boyfriend.

I'm looking forward to fall and winter especially. I have a wedding to look forward to (my very first!), a trip to AZ from my Dad and a trip home for Christmas. I haven't touched ANY of my vacation time yet- I've been saving it up and boy am I dying to use it!

Well hopefully it wont be another year until I get to this again!

Outside of School

So here's another update to make up for my lack of presence. A while back I revealed I do some amateur modeling type projects, while this has largely taken a backseat to grad school and life, recently I got to do a really awesome shoot and would love to share the results. The thumbnails here really don't do them justice, please click ( which you can do if you are accessing this on my actual blog site and not via email) for a full size view- promise it will be worth it!

So here are a few pictures I did out here in Pittsburgh:



Yup, that's a Tux, with tails, a top hat and cane! Going for the fitting was very fun, they had to put me completely in boys sizes!

The Gradschool Update

So, I haven’t updated in a long time. Just FYI, I’m still out here, plugging along, with my archival graduate student-y self.

As of right now, this very instant, the countdown to Real Life is as follows:

Approx. 4 weeks until the end of my second semester (April 28)
Approx. 4 months until I get my masters degree (July 28)

So, the future is looming (Let me emphasize on that word choice: LOOMING). And as such I have been faced with some major life questions as my classmates scramble to apply to as many jobs as possible and gain employment as soon after graduation as humanly possible. Already, schoolwork is taking a backseat to the job search for many. Today a friend remarked I seemed like the type of person to move into my own place with a job right after graduation, making it seem like anything less would be surprising, perhaps even a let-down.

Well, applying to every job I might remotely qualify for and placing enormous amounts of pressure on myself to secure something for the sake of my pride just doesn’t seem like a wise, well thought out, reasoned life choice. Never mind how to balance an intense job search with full course load and multiple internships. It seems like something to be done out of necessity, not by preference. I would much rather assess my skills, my academic interests and my ultimate career goals and which job would help me eventually move into a more ideal job. I don’t have to be hugely picky, but I do have to consider what first job will allow me to ultimately do what I want later on down the road. I want to my foot in the door- but I have to make sure I’m getting it in the right door.

Ideally, I want to work in academia- in college and university archives. This is a lofty goal for a fresh graduate- so, true, it might not happen with my first job, but I do want to get on a path that might more easily allow for the jump rather than getting off track by jumping into a job out of a panic that isn’t going to make me happy or get me where I want to go. What I’m getting at is everyone around me is mostly fueled by paranoia, huge debt and a mild panic that gives them the mindset of ‘I’ll take what I can get’

Well. Upon thinking on my own position I have realized:

1) The archival field in Pittsburgh is not a big enough job market to allow me to easily advance, and there are almost no full time jobs. I’m moving home to better take advantage of a better job market: more opportunities, more chances to move from job to job, more academic institutions. Thus, In September: back to New England I go!
2) I will regularly check job postings prior to finishing the program to make sure I don’t miss any great opportunities, but I’m going to try to avoid applying like a madwoman to every new posting and wait until I move home to concentrate my energies on putting forth stronger, more well thought out applications.
3) I want to see if having such a short program means interning for six more months while applying/searching to help me qualify for jobs without having to stretch my applications, and get gain me more networking in the New England area- ultimately making the job search easier than just rushing to get a job as soon as I move back.
4) …actually regardless of the above I’ll try to get a part time or intern position while I job search. Can’t be a couch potato!

Talking to working archivists it seems that some of them had to search for around a year for full-time work. Asking around has forced me to have more realistic expectations and forgive myself for potentially not having employment right after graduation.

This is easier said than done. Especially when I’m back at home wallowing in insecurities. Despite my attempts to be practical and level headed, part of me wants to jump in the job search in the manner my peers have so that I won’t look inferior or lazy if they are employed and I’m not when graduation rolls around.

Right now I’m trying to focus on finishing the program and thinking about how to network once I do graduate.

The news now is: I’m considering going to the biggest professional conference in our field in August- it’s a week-long conference in Chicago and is for the professional association the Society of American Archivists (I’m a member!)– the major professional group in our field. It’ll be a big investment (a week in Chicago!) so I’m waiting to see how much networking is built into the conference. The student group I’m part of submitted to present a poster of our work so going would allow me to do that and make connections using that professional presentation of my involvement during grad school in that- which might make it more likely I’ll go.

Oh, I also applied to a small scholarship due April 1, it's a stretch but I applied regardless because I'm an optimistic go-getter like that.

So that’s where I stand in major life decisions. And why you all need to tell me its okay to be jobless…for a little while.

Back to the grind

So, I haven't written in this blog in a fairly long time. Consistently anyway. I know people get it emailed to them but because I get so few replies, I forget people might wonder where I've gone off to. Or maybe you aren't wondering at all, haha!

I do wish blogger would let me add more than ten email addresses to send it out to though!

Anyway, last week I started my second semester at Pitt and though I had hoped to feel much less stressed this time around I am stepping into the same overworking habits that nearly destroyed me first semester. I have read much too much and been far too isolated for my first 11 days back.

I'm dismayed that although I know I can handle the courseload and that I made it through my first semester successfully I am still almost just as stressed and anxious. However, I do have a small amount more to worry about this semester as have taken on a field placement which is essentially a second internship.

I now go to the archives at the Heinz History Center once a week. While I've only been there once so far I'm generally nervous but forging ahead because it's positively ESSENTIAL to getting a job. It was not a matter of choice really. So I'm back to being a bit high strung and anxious in general. It's really a day by day battle. I think after this program though being away from academia will be a welcome change of scenery and perhaps even a necessary one.

I have a friend who commented recently about how the workplace is so much less anxiety inducing than academia...FOR HER. Knowing we are very similar in being a bit obsessive, anxious, and generally are perfectionists and such I'm hoping to find myself doing better once I can graduate.

It IS unfortunate that I have a mindset that is geared toward getting my education over with even going into my second semester but really I do believe it's understandable that I can't help but be burnt out.

But I've still got seven months so I'll have to try not to obsess about the end.Perhaps though I just need to get to the halfway point, it certainly helped last semester and I was much better after midterms. I can only hope it holds true again.

In other news, I'm struggling a bit with living alone, not in that it doesn't suit me but it's a bad point in my life to be isolated. Unfortunately it's a matter of self discipline to tear myself away from my work to be social and it's something I struggle with. Most have trouble doing their school work...I have trouble not doing it. Some days are better than others, it varies.

Overall I am fortunate to have what I do and am for the most part doing well. I do believe though that when I look back at grad school will only be with relief that it's behind me. The other day I did feel I was actually coming to have opinions and becoming more engaged with my text and professional debates and it was absolutely wonderful. However, it was fleeting and the workload soon consumed me and I lost that enjoyment.

Overall, though I've met some awesome people I just haven't got the balance with a healthy social life I was able to keep in undergraduate and that is truly unfortunate. Today I did manage to read less and relax more so it was a small victory. However I have crammed my backpack with reading to bring to school tomorrow to get done in a read-a-thon before class. I'm guessing from 9:30-2:30 I'll hide in the library and get amazing amounts of reading done.

At my most productive, I read an average of 50 pages an hour (with careful underlining and note taking and questions made in the margins), meaning I usually can get up to 300 pages done on each day on the weekend and 150-200 on weekdays. This past weekend I read from 600-700 and have probably gotten up to a total of 1,000 pages by today. It's an insane amount to be reading and very little can truly be engaged with but I have begun writing questions such as "Do I agree with this?" or "this doesn't agree with -other author- " so despite that I can go back and examine before class and have some critical thinking points bookmarked.

Ever heard of that quote from the Lovestory of J Alfred Prufrock?
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons"

Yeah welll....

I have measured out my life in pagecounts"

Sigh.

I haven't updated in a long time.

I'm not really sure what to write here, I haven't updated this in a while and my last message was rather cryptic.

I suppose it's a simple explanation though. I've been single for a month and a half- I broke off my engagement and Chris moved back home. Whatever emotions came with that were dealt with privately and I don't feel the need to rehash them or revisit them here. It's not what drew me back to this blog. It's not bothering me at the moment either, I am entirely at peace with that decision.

What has been on my mind lately has been my mother, which is no small surprise with Dec 23 drawing closer.

I know that each year I get very upset because it snows and I can't visit her grave on the anniversary of her death because they lie flat and any amount of snow covers them. I never liked the flat graves. It tears me to pieces each year. I wish we could go without a white Christmas just once so I could find her grave. I've heard MA hasn't has snow yet which leads me to foolishly hope maybe this year... but I do believe it's snowing there this weekend. I don't know why it's so important that I visit on the anniversary of her death. Maybe it's because when I miss her the most. It just means more somehow.

I suppose this is awful to say but her death probably came at the worst possible time of year. It's really cruel that my memories of Christmas are my best memories of my mother and she died under two days before Christmas. I tried to put up Christmas decorations in my new place and it was just awful. Christmas will never be the same it seems. I find myself wishing I had her purple scarf to wear around at least. I always get sentimental this time of year. Not her birthday but around the holidays.

My feelings are still a jumble about it. It's never just simple loss and sadness. No, more so than anything I feel immense frustration. Her death seemed to utterly preventable. All the measures we took, the hospitalization, the stays in rehab, the stints of sobriety- if only just once it had worked, or we had gotten one more chance to try it. It wasn't like we didn't see this coming, we saw it years before it happened, which is why there is such a sense of 'what if' when I think about her death. It feels like I will never completely be at peace because it didn't catch me off guard. If only I could tell myself there was nothing anyone could have done. But we had done things, we had been doing things for years...

I've begun telling people it is my life goal not to die an easily preventable death. I tell them I mean by things like texting while driving, or jay walking, or making stupid dangerous choices. But really, around this time of year I wonder if maybe it's just so no one will be missing me after I'm gone and feeling frustrated and angry like this, thinking it could have been prevented, if only...

The frustration is the worst because I try to talk myself out of it, reason with myself but still. The holidays seem forever tainted. I haven't gone Christmas shopping and since I have no money, I most likely wont be able to. I seem to be taking the holidays very passively so far.

I don't know why I felt like writing all this out and posting it would help. It's just made me tired and less inclined to study for my final.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to reclaim Christmas, or it will always remain her holiday in my mind...

Coming home to an empty house is never easy

To the Boy whose Heart I Broke

I expected the emptiness
When I came home tonight.
But the pictures, every one,
You had of us together,
Returned, caught me
By surprise.

The gifts too,
Those you had given me
And I to you, the bears,
The picture on the wall,
A gift from our first Christmas,
I was not prepared to find.

It was as if you took no trace of me,
No reminder that I had ever been a part
Of your life. As if maybe,
Eventually, my memory would fade.
And you could live as if
I had never existed at all.

Or maybe you were afraid
That if you did not leave them,
I would be the one to forget.
I can only guess now.
But I will keep them,
Just in case you do forget
To make the pain lessen.

I'll bear the burden of my choice
So someone will know
The story of us, of the rings
And the bears and the pictures.

Ironic that you left so much
That cuts so deeply,
Except for the one thing
I searched the whole house over for:

A goodbye.