So, I haven't written in this blog in a fairly long time. Consistently anyway. I know people get it emailed to them but because I get so few replies, I forget people might wonder where I've gone off to. Or maybe you aren't wondering at all, haha!
I do wish blogger would let me add more than ten email addresses to send it out to though!
Anyway, last week I started my second semester at Pitt and though I had hoped to feel much less stressed this time around I am stepping into the same overworking habits that nearly destroyed me first semester. I have read much too much and been far too isolated for my first 11 days back.
I'm dismayed that although I know I can handle the courseload and that I made it through my first semester successfully I am still almost just as stressed and anxious. However, I do have a small amount more to worry about this semester as have taken on a field placement which is essentially a second internship.
I now go to the archives at the Heinz History Center once a week. While I've only been there once so far I'm generally nervous but forging ahead because it's positively ESSENTIAL to getting a job. It was not a matter of choice really. So I'm back to being a bit high strung and anxious in general. It's really a day by day battle. I think after this program though being away from academia will be a welcome change of scenery and perhaps even a necessary one.
I have a friend who commented recently about how the workplace is so much less anxiety inducing than academia...FOR HER. Knowing we are very similar in being a bit obsessive, anxious, and generally are perfectionists and such I'm hoping to find myself doing better once I can graduate.
It IS unfortunate that I have a mindset that is geared toward getting my education over with even going into my second semester but really I do believe it's understandable that I can't help but be burnt out.
But I've still got seven months so I'll have to try not to obsess about the end.Perhaps though I just need to get to the halfway point, it certainly helped last semester and I was much better after midterms. I can only hope it holds true again.
In other news, I'm struggling a bit with living alone, not in that it doesn't suit me but it's a bad point in my life to be isolated. Unfortunately it's a matter of self discipline to tear myself away from my work to be social and it's something I struggle with. Most have trouble doing their school work...I have trouble not doing it. Some days are better than others, it varies.
Overall I am fortunate to have what I do and am for the most part doing well. I do believe though that when I look back at grad school will only be with relief that it's behind me. The other day I did feel I was actually coming to have opinions and becoming more engaged with my text and professional debates and it was absolutely wonderful. However, it was fleeting and the workload soon consumed me and I lost that enjoyment.
Overall, though I've met some awesome people I just haven't got the balance with a healthy social life I was able to keep in undergraduate and that is truly unfortunate. Today I did manage to read less and relax more so it was a small victory. However I have crammed my backpack with reading to bring to school tomorrow to get done in a read-a-thon before class. I'm guessing from 9:30-2:30 I'll hide in the library and get amazing amounts of reading done.
At my most productive, I read an average of 50 pages an hour (with careful underlining and note taking and questions made in the margins), meaning I usually can get up to 300 pages done on each day on the weekend and 150-200 on weekdays. This past weekend I read from 600-700 and have probably gotten up to a total of 1,000 pages by today. It's an insane amount to be reading and very little can truly be engaged with but I have begun writing questions such as "Do I agree with this?" or "this doesn't agree with -other author- " so despite that I can go back and examine before class and have some critical thinking points bookmarked.
Ever heard of that quote from the Lovestory of J Alfred Prufrock?
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons"
Yeah welll....
I have measured out my life in pagecounts"
Sigh.
