So as I hope most blog followers can tell I'm doing better than I was ten weeks ago when I began the semester. I now have six weeks left, which both feels like nearly nothing and absolutely forever, depending on how I envision it.
I have ultimately decided to delete my facebook by this Sunday. I have offered my email and tried to encourage people to start an email correspondence with me and it has gotten a few friends interested. One friend and I are even going to write letter to each other and mail them.
Instead of opening facebook, I now eagerly check my email. I find it much more rewarding and it brings me a lot of happiness. reconnecting with friends is rejuvenating and I truly encourage everyone to email away. It makes my days brighter.
In other news, I have got ONE recipe down. Veggie Quesadillas. which may not seem like much but they are awesomely tasty. I am excited about this. I have faith in my ability to survive as a young adult in the world.
In other news, in under two weeks I will be off to my very first professional Conference in Harrisburg PA. We're even having a resume review between my student group for those attending to brush them up for when we go. I don't have much pertinent stuff on there, but at least I'll be prepared.
So that's exciting. I'm also trying to set up another internship, to no avail unfortunately. My email and voicemail message have gone unreturned and so I emailed my advisor, and that email is awaiting reply too. So it's my current mission.
So. Six weeks. the countdown is on. Well, it's a bit early, perhaps I should start it at four weeks. I'm rather eager for a break. Although I am not as emotionally distraught as I was, I still am looking forward to it being 9 months from now. This program will never be anything less than absolutely draining.
After this blessed break to update you all I will return to working on my literature review. I'm reading my 19th source out of twenty two I have collected- though they suggest more. I wouldn't mind finding more but it's only a ten- twelve page paper and I simply can do them all justice so it becomes a frustrating task. Alas, not the worst problem to have.
That's all for now :)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thoughts on Facebook
Today's topic is facebook.
Recently I have begun wondering if the "facebook culture" is something I want to be involved in. And by facebook culture I mainly am talking about two known trends on facebook.
1)I have always cringed at the thought of deleting or deactivating my facebook but for a large number of people it is my only means of contacting them. Despite not being close to many, I had an irrational fear of missing out on their lives and doings if I did not have the ability to "stalk" them on facebook. Lately however, I have been questioning how much this really contributes to "keeping in touch" or even "keeping up to date" with people.
There is no meaningful connection to be had through a status update, and little can be said in a photo comment. these are all enjoyable things, but they are taking place of actual conversations. People aren't thinking about directly contacting that person in addition to the photo comment to ask about their life or even say hi. Facebook seems to contribute to satisfaction with a very superficial kind of communication.
I've recently started email correspondence with a few people and it has been wholly more rewarding, interesting, and thought provoking than any exchange I have had via facebook. I'm simply not sure facebook is something I want to invest my time in these days as it provides tidbits of knowledge but no meaningful connection with the people I was so desperate to stay in touch with.
2) The blurring of public and private: correspondence that would normally take place privately between two people is now open not only for everyone to see, but to become involved in. It's drastically changing our notions about what should and should not be private. Now facebook has had to come up with very complex privacy settings for people to exclude certain friends from seeing certain pictures or updates and it's all become quite messy. It makes me wonder if facebook is really an ideal system for communication at all.
This issue is explored in the New York times magazine Article which I highly recommend:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/17/magazine/17FOB-WWLN-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine
Basically it states, in terms of privacy, we are our own worst enemy. I believe certain discussions are meant to take place discreetly and privately and facebook has the potential to elevate drama and hurt feelings that are all unnecessary because people using it seem to forget rules of tact, consideration and thinking before they post.
So those are my facebook thoughts. While I wont be deleting it, I'm going to stop checking it and updating it so frequently. I think I'll be happier if I'm forced to make the effort for a more direct communication with people. On that note, I notice I have this blog being sent out to quite a deal of people who, perhaps because of facebook culture, passively "lurk" to keep up with my life (or delete it without opening the email :P) and I would prefer perhaps a reply, for the sake of connection.
However, my Holycross.edu email is gone, nonexistent, and I mentioned I have no been able to disconnect the comment/reply feature to that account.
Please email me at loopy6588@aol.com. I'd love to hear from everyone who may be reading.
Oh and this book was recommended to me, it sounds fabulous and if anyone was wondering what to get me for x-mas, I have a growing list of books that i cannot wait to read ;)
Hamlet's BlackBerry: A Practical Philosophy for Building a Good Life in the Digital Age [Hardcover] by William Powers
Some reviews:
“Benjamin Franklin would love this book. He knew the power of being connected, but also how this must be balanced by moments of reflection. William Powers offers a practical guide to Socrates’ path to the good life in which our outward and inward selves are at one.” (Walter Isaacson, author of Einstein: His Life and Universe and Benjamin Franklin: An American Life )
“A brilliant and thoughtful handbook for the Internet age—why we have this screen addiction, its many perils, and some surprising remedies that can make your life better.” (Bob Woodward )
“In this delightfully accessible book, Powers asks the questions we all need to ask in this digitally driven time. And teaches us to answer them for ourselves.” (Maryanne Wolf, author of Proust and the Squid )
“[An] elegant meditation on our obsessive connectivity and its effect on our brains and our very way of life.” (Laurie Winer, New York Times Book Review )
“Always connected. Anytime. Anyplace. We know it’s a blessing, but we’re starting to notice that it’s also a curse. In Hamlet’s Blackberry, William Powers helps us understand what being ‘connected’ disconnects us from, and offers wise advice about what we can do about it…. A thoughtful, elegant, and moving book.” (Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less )
Looking forward to hearing from people, hopefully, if you're all still with me.
Recently I have begun wondering if the "facebook culture" is something I want to be involved in. And by facebook culture I mainly am talking about two known trends on facebook.
1)I have always cringed at the thought of deleting or deactivating my facebook but for a large number of people it is my only means of contacting them. Despite not being close to many, I had an irrational fear of missing out on their lives and doings if I did not have the ability to "stalk" them on facebook. Lately however, I have been questioning how much this really contributes to "keeping in touch" or even "keeping up to date" with people.
There is no meaningful connection to be had through a status update, and little can be said in a photo comment. these are all enjoyable things, but they are taking place of actual conversations. People aren't thinking about directly contacting that person in addition to the photo comment to ask about their life or even say hi. Facebook seems to contribute to satisfaction with a very superficial kind of communication.
I've recently started email correspondence with a few people and it has been wholly more rewarding, interesting, and thought provoking than any exchange I have had via facebook. I'm simply not sure facebook is something I want to invest my time in these days as it provides tidbits of knowledge but no meaningful connection with the people I was so desperate to stay in touch with.
2) The blurring of public and private: correspondence that would normally take place privately between two people is now open not only for everyone to see, but to become involved in. It's drastically changing our notions about what should and should not be private. Now facebook has had to come up with very complex privacy settings for people to exclude certain friends from seeing certain pictures or updates and it's all become quite messy. It makes me wonder if facebook is really an ideal system for communication at all.
This issue is explored in the New York times magazine Article which I highly recommend:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/17/magazine/17FOB-WWLN-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine
Basically it states, in terms of privacy, we are our own worst enemy. I believe certain discussions are meant to take place discreetly and privately and facebook has the potential to elevate drama and hurt feelings that are all unnecessary because people using it seem to forget rules of tact, consideration and thinking before they post.
So those are my facebook thoughts. While I wont be deleting it, I'm going to stop checking it and updating it so frequently. I think I'll be happier if I'm forced to make the effort for a more direct communication with people. On that note, I notice I have this blog being sent out to quite a deal of people who, perhaps because of facebook culture, passively "lurk" to keep up with my life (or delete it without opening the email :P) and I would prefer perhaps a reply, for the sake of connection.
However, my Holycross.edu email is gone, nonexistent, and I mentioned I have no been able to disconnect the comment/reply feature to that account.
Please email me at loopy6588@aol.com. I'd love to hear from everyone who may be reading.
Oh and this book was recommended to me, it sounds fabulous and if anyone was wondering what to get me for x-mas, I have a growing list of books that i cannot wait to read ;)
Hamlet's BlackBerry: A Practical Philosophy for Building a Good Life in the Digital Age [Hardcover] by William Powers
Some reviews:
“Benjamin Franklin would love this book. He knew the power of being connected, but also how this must be balanced by moments of reflection. William Powers offers a practical guide to Socrates’ path to the good life in which our outward and inward selves are at one.” (Walter Isaacson, author of Einstein: His Life and Universe and Benjamin Franklin: An American Life )
“A brilliant and thoughtful handbook for the Internet age—why we have this screen addiction, its many perils, and some surprising remedies that can make your life better.” (Bob Woodward )
“In this delightfully accessible book, Powers asks the questions we all need to ask in this digitally driven time. And teaches us to answer them for ourselves.” (Maryanne Wolf, author of Proust and the Squid )
“[An] elegant meditation on our obsessive connectivity and its effect on our brains and our very way of life.” (Laurie Winer, New York Times Book Review )
“Always connected. Anytime. Anyplace. We know it’s a blessing, but we’re starting to notice that it’s also a curse. In Hamlet’s Blackberry, William Powers helps us understand what being ‘connected’ disconnects us from, and offers wise advice about what we can do about it…. A thoughtful, elegant, and moving book.” (Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less )
Looking forward to hearing from people, hopefully, if you're all still with me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Strange thoughts.
Today while writing to a friend, a fellow writer (I do in some sense identify as a writer since I simply do adore expressing myself in the written form) I decided I would make an absolutely implausible book character. People would say "this character simply doesn't make sense, she's not realistic, no one would be able to connect with her as she's simply all over the place" and went on to have some self reflection on how I see myself.
I find I am an archivist born in the wrong generation for I'd rather we not have the option of transferring materials to computers at all, it's a hideous version of what is in it's original form quite amazing. I find manuscripts fascinating and inspiring, their very existence over generations makes me sigh in admiration for the power of paper and ink to overcome time. Therefore, in my academic beliefs I am about 50-60 years behind my fellow grad students and truly embody a 90 year old archivist in spirit. Paper is where it's at. Digitization is a necessary evil with many pros which I cannot deny BUT it simply cannot garner the love I have for the physicality of paper artifacts. I'm not a technophobe but I long for the olden days when it was all paper all the time, 100% glorious gorgeous paper.
However, I am also quite glam. I did my first shoot in Pittsburgh yesterday and had a ball dancing around to pop music feelin glamorous before I left. Truly, I aspire to be stunning. I am a bit of a rockstar- a la Adam Lambert style. Despite some controversial moves on his part I love his edgy look. I think that this:
Is super cool.
Meanwhile in my day to day life I mostly lament my financial ability to procure good coffee, have epic battles with Chris' cat when he is not around to see my true colors, try to resist the internet (ever since I heard of this book "The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains" by Nicholas Carr- see my previous post), check for grades and emails to an almost ridiculous extent, go to bed by ten and spend what will end up a large chunk of my overall existence waiting for the bus.
All in all, I'm horribly implausible. I am just not believable and no one would possibly be able to relate to me or connect with my character. I am currently lamenting this as it makes me feel horribly alone in the world. If people can't connect to my hypothetical book self, how will I ever be understood?! (Only slightly tongue in cheek there. Reassurance still welcome).
At first I thought, wow I am so unique. But then I realized I am just strange. Strange in that if I could I would wear 4 inch heels, glam makeup and crazy styles while working among cold dark stacks of materials in the best of the best preservation environments, have money for chai lattes and coffee at the best of shops, and free myself of the pull of the internet entirely so that I could a glam scholar extraordinaire.
I think someone messed up and put two people in one body. And because of that no one will ever base a book character after me. This is tragic.
Woe.
I find I am an archivist born in the wrong generation for I'd rather we not have the option of transferring materials to computers at all, it's a hideous version of what is in it's original form quite amazing. I find manuscripts fascinating and inspiring, their very existence over generations makes me sigh in admiration for the power of paper and ink to overcome time. Therefore, in my academic beliefs I am about 50-60 years behind my fellow grad students and truly embody a 90 year old archivist in spirit. Paper is where it's at. Digitization is a necessary evil with many pros which I cannot deny BUT it simply cannot garner the love I have for the physicality of paper artifacts. I'm not a technophobe but I long for the olden days when it was all paper all the time, 100% glorious gorgeous paper.
However, I am also quite glam. I did my first shoot in Pittsburgh yesterday and had a ball dancing around to pop music feelin glamorous before I left. Truly, I aspire to be stunning. I am a bit of a rockstar- a la Adam Lambert style. Despite some controversial moves on his part I love his edgy look. I think that this:
Is super cool.
Meanwhile in my day to day life I mostly lament my financial ability to procure good coffee, have epic battles with Chris' cat when he is not around to see my true colors, try to resist the internet (ever since I heard of this book "The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains" by Nicholas Carr- see my previous post), check for grades and emails to an almost ridiculous extent, go to bed by ten and spend what will end up a large chunk of my overall existence waiting for the bus.
All in all, I'm horribly implausible. I am just not believable and no one would possibly be able to relate to me or connect with my character. I am currently lamenting this as it makes me feel horribly alone in the world. If people can't connect to my hypothetical book self, how will I ever be understood?! (Only slightly tongue in cheek there. Reassurance still welcome).
At first I thought, wow I am so unique. But then I realized I am just strange. Strange in that if I could I would wear 4 inch heels, glam makeup and crazy styles while working among cold dark stacks of materials in the best of the best preservation environments, have money for chai lattes and coffee at the best of shops, and free myself of the pull of the internet entirely so that I could a glam scholar extraordinaire.
I think someone messed up and put two people in one body. And because of that no one will ever base a book character after me. This is tragic.
Woe.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Some book recommendations...
Today I attended a lecture of a very very influential scholar who happens to teach at my school. I know he's influential because his articles are everywhere and his books as well. In my research across several classes his name comes up.
But that's not the point. It's just context.
First he started out with the fact that graduate students complain they are assigned too much reading. He says he believes we aren't assigned enough. For an hour lecture he provided a three page list of citations for works he planned on referencing in his talk.
He said once he gave a doctorate student an 180 page reading list. And he was serious about how much someone in the profession must read. He said it takes almost a decade to really master a discipline.
He also said there are ten times as many graduates in this field as jobs. We have to do something to distinguish ourselves from the other 9 graduates to earn the job.
And then he said "The purpose of graduate education is to push you. To push you hard. And kick you a few times while you’re on the ground for good measure. Doctorate students by their third or fourth year are so bruised and bloody they’re following law students."
He said his own collection just one topic (I can't remember what it was) spanned two bookcases, floor to ceiling.
This all should have scared the bejesus out of me. Instead I was left feeling like I too wanted to read an entire profession's literature. In an amazing way I wanted to be so well read. I wanted to have knowledge that spanned hundreds of books. I've read maybe...15-20 books and maybe that many articles in a month and a half.
It seems measly now! How pitiful my tiny accumulation of knowledge seems in the vast oceans of whats out there. Sure I have the rest of my life to read but I wanted to be just like him the second I walked out the door. The man was phenomenal.
Here are some fabulous titles he touched upon:
Nicholas Carr, The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Being (New York: W.
W. Norton & Co., 2010)
Is the internet affecting our ability to think? Does it have an impact on cognitive issues? This book takes a fascinating look at how the internet is affecting our neurological connections and wiring. Is the use of the internet in some sense "making us dumber"?
Personally, with how we dart from page to page, skim and click without truly absorbing the information or thinking critically, I can see how time spent on the internet erodes at our capacity for disciplined reading. People have no attention span to sit down and read a text for hours, engage with it, question it, reflect on it. nor do many even care to. The internet does not force us or invite us to think. Instead it cultivates a culture that is constantly multi-tasking, which only inhibits deep thought. I for one would be fascinated by his take on it from a biological perspective because I do believe our generation is lacking the discipline and skills it takes to be well read. I also find myself abhorrent of this possibility.
A for fun book: The Island of Lost Maps: A True Story of Cartographic Crime
About why people steal antiques/rare materials. It's been recommended in two classes. IT seems to be more a fun read than anything.
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
He said if there's one book to read on writing, this is IT. She addresses the necessity of conviction and belief in writing, how one must be called to write about something. While it seems simple, I think this book seems inspiring nonetheless.
Richard Rhodes, How To Write: Advice and Reflections (New York: Harper Books,
1995).
This book is another one on writing, it focuses on the importance of being a good reader in order to be a good writer. And by that being well read. One must know the good from the bad writing before one can write well and the way to know that is to read. I for one could not agree more. Though these unpolished, type and grammatical error-ridden blogs most likely do not reflect my reading at all unfortunately!
Anyway, the first book in particular has me pondering cutting my internet usage if only to read more. This Thursday I began a book and finished it that night, Friday I began another book and finished it today. Tonight I'll start a third book and hopefully finish it tomorrow morning. So 3 books, four days.
I have a literature review for which I need to read two more books and 18 articles so I really need to be consuming literature at a faster rate with more critical thought involved.
I want to develop the kind of discipline scholars seemed to have before the internet. I find myself annoyed by my generation's complete lack of ability to sit down for long periods of time with a text. I do believe it's crucial to be well educated and I believe to truly be well educated it takes an enormous amount of self discipline.
Though grad school may well be the most miserable year of my life, I do think it may well be shaping me. I'm finding I really appreciate a lot of old fashioned values of lots of reading, lots of writing, serious discipline, hard work and life long learning. My values are clearly taking on an academic shape and I find I want even more to surround myself with like minded people.
On that note, I'm planning on attending my first professional conference in November in Harrisburg PA with a student group I am an officer of (have I mentioned that? Well you shouldn't have doubted I'd sign myself up). I'll have to buff up my resume and print some off, maybe make some business cards. And dry clean my suits.
I'm also desperately trying to get another internship for one day a week on the weekends. There is a lot of red tape here, but I'm rather desperate for some hardcore archival hands on experience. I'm meeting with my adviser about this on Monday.
And as a side note: if you'd like to respond, for some reason despite my attempts to change it all comments go to my old school email and updating the address hasn't helped. Please email me directly for comments.
But that's not the point. It's just context.
First he started out with the fact that graduate students complain they are assigned too much reading. He says he believes we aren't assigned enough. For an hour lecture he provided a three page list of citations for works he planned on referencing in his talk.
He said once he gave a doctorate student an 180 page reading list. And he was serious about how much someone in the profession must read. He said it takes almost a decade to really master a discipline.
He also said there are ten times as many graduates in this field as jobs. We have to do something to distinguish ourselves from the other 9 graduates to earn the job.
And then he said "The purpose of graduate education is to push you. To push you hard. And kick you a few times while you’re on the ground for good measure. Doctorate students by their third or fourth year are so bruised and bloody they’re following law students."
He said his own collection just one topic (I can't remember what it was) spanned two bookcases, floor to ceiling.
This all should have scared the bejesus out of me. Instead I was left feeling like I too wanted to read an entire profession's literature. In an amazing way I wanted to be so well read. I wanted to have knowledge that spanned hundreds of books. I've read maybe...15-20 books and maybe that many articles in a month and a half.
It seems measly now! How pitiful my tiny accumulation of knowledge seems in the vast oceans of whats out there. Sure I have the rest of my life to read but I wanted to be just like him the second I walked out the door. The man was phenomenal.
Here are some fabulous titles he touched upon:
Nicholas Carr, The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Being (New York: W.
W. Norton & Co., 2010)
Is the internet affecting our ability to think? Does it have an impact on cognitive issues? This book takes a fascinating look at how the internet is affecting our neurological connections and wiring. Is the use of the internet in some sense "making us dumber"?
Personally, with how we dart from page to page, skim and click without truly absorbing the information or thinking critically, I can see how time spent on the internet erodes at our capacity for disciplined reading. People have no attention span to sit down and read a text for hours, engage with it, question it, reflect on it. nor do many even care to. The internet does not force us or invite us to think. Instead it cultivates a culture that is constantly multi-tasking, which only inhibits deep thought. I for one would be fascinated by his take on it from a biological perspective because I do believe our generation is lacking the discipline and skills it takes to be well read. I also find myself abhorrent of this possibility.
A for fun book: The Island of Lost Maps: A True Story of Cartographic Crime
About why people steal antiques/rare materials. It's been recommended in two classes. IT seems to be more a fun read than anything.
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
He said if there's one book to read on writing, this is IT. She addresses the necessity of conviction and belief in writing, how one must be called to write about something. While it seems simple, I think this book seems inspiring nonetheless.
Richard Rhodes, How To Write: Advice and Reflections (New York: Harper Books,
1995).
This book is another one on writing, it focuses on the importance of being a good reader in order to be a good writer. And by that being well read. One must know the good from the bad writing before one can write well and the way to know that is to read. I for one could not agree more. Though these unpolished, type and grammatical error-ridden blogs most likely do not reflect my reading at all unfortunately!
Anyway, the first book in particular has me pondering cutting my internet usage if only to read more. This Thursday I began a book and finished it that night, Friday I began another book and finished it today. Tonight I'll start a third book and hopefully finish it tomorrow morning. So 3 books, four days.
I have a literature review for which I need to read two more books and 18 articles so I really need to be consuming literature at a faster rate with more critical thought involved.
I want to develop the kind of discipline scholars seemed to have before the internet. I find myself annoyed by my generation's complete lack of ability to sit down for long periods of time with a text. I do believe it's crucial to be well educated and I believe to truly be well educated it takes an enormous amount of self discipline.
Though grad school may well be the most miserable year of my life, I do think it may well be shaping me. I'm finding I really appreciate a lot of old fashioned values of lots of reading, lots of writing, serious discipline, hard work and life long learning. My values are clearly taking on an academic shape and I find I want even more to surround myself with like minded people.
On that note, I'm planning on attending my first professional conference in November in Harrisburg PA with a student group I am an officer of (have I mentioned that? Well you shouldn't have doubted I'd sign myself up). I'll have to buff up my resume and print some off, maybe make some business cards. And dry clean my suits.
I'm also desperately trying to get another internship for one day a week on the weekends. There is a lot of red tape here, but I'm rather desperate for some hardcore archival hands on experience. I'm meeting with my adviser about this on Monday.
And as a side note: if you'd like to respond, for some reason despite my attempts to change it all comments go to my old school email and updating the address hasn't helped. Please email me directly for comments.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Just life.
So, a normal update (finally) methinks.
Not in a philosophizing mood (thank goodness because if there's optimistic philosophizing, I haven't figured it out), nor a particularly hopeless or angry mood (suppose everyone has their limits for negative emotions).
Currently I am bewildered at a professor who canceled the class before midterm, promising a video review for the midterm "later in the weekend" and yet so far has provided nothing. So I'm studying blind. This test could be anywhere from 1-3 hours, in any format covering any selection of information from class or the text. Oh and she hasn't posted the power-point from the last class and my notes are patchy because she FLIES through them. FLIES. Magically they whiz by. They all but blur as she clicks through them.
I should be petrified. Or studying like a mad woman. I am neither. I am simply amused. And far too unconcerned for my own good. The whole class is a bit (and by a bit I mean a lot) unorganized, with an often missing TA and a professor who, truly no offense meant, deserves to retire and enjoy her own academic interests. She is undeniably the frailest, tiniest, skinniest woman I have encountered in my 22 years of life. her voice is soft and she seems to put every bit of energy into making it through one 3 hour course. Of course she is a bit older than most professors, I wouldn't be so disrespectful so say ancient, but I do believe she has been alive enough years to be approaching or past retirement age.
This is no judgment but I can't help but wonder if it mayhaps is one factor in the course being so very disorganized. Ah well.
In other news, every now and again I look around and think, gosh I do have a nice living space. Most students are renting tiny apartments or rooms. Even before I was planning on Chris, roommates were out of the question for me. I suppose I am rather spoiled. I do like the space and independent living. This may be a problem as I would like more space and nicer things. I fear I may have expensive tastes.
Last night I was looking at real estate sites for this area. I always get dreamy at the insanely low prices of houses around here. my father also commented at how easily one could become a home owner here, and from the pictures, the houses (inside and outside) are lovely. Ah how i dream of being a home owner.
I would love to stay here if possible. I don't think that will be possible though. The thought of just applying to jobs anywhere and everywhere as I please is also exciting though. I mean, if I could just apply to the very best selection of job without worrying about where they are I could probably get a better job than if I am picky about location. So maybe it's a win-win. If I stay around here, it's good living, if I go elsewhere, it's an adventure.
I think I've lost track of the weeks, but I believe we are embarking on...week seven? I had hoped it was week eight. Alas.
In other news, I joined a rather stagnant meet-up group for photography/modeling. Seeing nothing going on, I posted an idea for a casual, low key fun shoot.
And people flew out of the woodwork. Suddenly I had ten photographers RSVP to the event, and people scouting locations and saying things like wow, there's hasn't been this much activity here in forever.
I can only conclude I am magical. However, ten photographs and one model is the makings of a mess. So then I had to start recruiting more models. Unfortunately they have not crawled out of the woodwork. Thus far I have... one. And the organizer of this entire group has let me to sort this out myself. Meaning I am in charge.
I really do love biting off more than I can chew, getting myself in over my head and plunging into to things I have no idea about. That's not sarcasm. I do need a bit of excitement in my life, even if it's in the form of wondering if I can make this not a complete chaotic mess. I mean it could be a miserable failure. All that stands between this event and MISERABLE FAILURE is me. ME.
I'm like superwoman.
This will hopefully happen next Sunday. And if it goes off without a hitch, my magical-ness will be confirmed.
Have I ever mentioned how much I really love blogging? I think if I kept it to this tone of playful nonsense, such as musing on my own magical nature, I could be a blogger with a following. Mmm egotistical-ness. Yum. (ego reminds me of eggo- those toaster waffles!)
So, still awaiting like three grades, muddling through my assignments (either in a psychotic perfectionist frenzy or extremely laid back danger zone) and getting myself into organizing events with no experience in an unfamiliar city. Oh and I have declared Chris' cat my arch-nemesis. Really, we have quite the relationship, the cat and I. He's troublesome and strange, possibly possessed or having an identity crisis. Quite the nuisance, this cat is, especially when he acts cute and innocent for days, trying to confuse me. I don't appreciate his trickery. I do not trust the cat.
And that is all.
Not in a philosophizing mood (thank goodness because if there's optimistic philosophizing, I haven't figured it out), nor a particularly hopeless or angry mood (suppose everyone has their limits for negative emotions).
Currently I am bewildered at a professor who canceled the class before midterm, promising a video review for the midterm "later in the weekend" and yet so far has provided nothing. So I'm studying blind. This test could be anywhere from 1-3 hours, in any format covering any selection of information from class or the text. Oh and she hasn't posted the power-point from the last class and my notes are patchy because she FLIES through them. FLIES. Magically they whiz by. They all but blur as she clicks through them.
I should be petrified. Or studying like a mad woman. I am neither. I am simply amused. And far too unconcerned for my own good. The whole class is a bit (and by a bit I mean a lot) unorganized, with an often missing TA and a professor who, truly no offense meant, deserves to retire and enjoy her own academic interests. She is undeniably the frailest, tiniest, skinniest woman I have encountered in my 22 years of life. her voice is soft and she seems to put every bit of energy into making it through one 3 hour course. Of course she is a bit older than most professors, I wouldn't be so disrespectful so say ancient, but I do believe she has been alive enough years to be approaching or past retirement age.
This is no judgment but I can't help but wonder if it mayhaps is one factor in the course being so very disorganized. Ah well.
In other news, every now and again I look around and think, gosh I do have a nice living space. Most students are renting tiny apartments or rooms. Even before I was planning on Chris, roommates were out of the question for me. I suppose I am rather spoiled. I do like the space and independent living. This may be a problem as I would like more space and nicer things. I fear I may have expensive tastes.
Last night I was looking at real estate sites for this area. I always get dreamy at the insanely low prices of houses around here. my father also commented at how easily one could become a home owner here, and from the pictures, the houses (inside and outside) are lovely. Ah how i dream of being a home owner.
I would love to stay here if possible. I don't think that will be possible though. The thought of just applying to jobs anywhere and everywhere as I please is also exciting though. I mean, if I could just apply to the very best selection of job without worrying about where they are I could probably get a better job than if I am picky about location. So maybe it's a win-win. If I stay around here, it's good living, if I go elsewhere, it's an adventure.
I think I've lost track of the weeks, but I believe we are embarking on...week seven? I had hoped it was week eight. Alas.
In other news, I joined a rather stagnant meet-up group for photography/modeling. Seeing nothing going on, I posted an idea for a casual, low key fun shoot.
And people flew out of the woodwork. Suddenly I had ten photographers RSVP to the event, and people scouting locations and saying things like wow, there's hasn't been this much activity here in forever.
I can only conclude I am magical. However, ten photographs and one model is the makings of a mess. So then I had to start recruiting more models. Unfortunately they have not crawled out of the woodwork. Thus far I have... one. And the organizer of this entire group has let me to sort this out myself. Meaning I am in charge.
I really do love biting off more than I can chew, getting myself in over my head and plunging into to things I have no idea about. That's not sarcasm. I do need a bit of excitement in my life, even if it's in the form of wondering if I can make this not a complete chaotic mess. I mean it could be a miserable failure. All that stands between this event and MISERABLE FAILURE is me. ME.
I'm like superwoman.
This will hopefully happen next Sunday. And if it goes off without a hitch, my magical-ness will be confirmed.
Have I ever mentioned how much I really love blogging? I think if I kept it to this tone of playful nonsense, such as musing on my own magical nature, I could be a blogger with a following. Mmm egotistical-ness. Yum. (ego reminds me of eggo- those toaster waffles!)
So, still awaiting like three grades, muddling through my assignments (either in a psychotic perfectionist frenzy or extremely laid back danger zone) and getting myself into organizing events with no experience in an unfamiliar city. Oh and I have declared Chris' cat my arch-nemesis. Really, we have quite the relationship, the cat and I. He's troublesome and strange, possibly possessed or having an identity crisis. Quite the nuisance, this cat is, especially when he acts cute and innocent for days, trying to confuse me. I don't appreciate his trickery. I do not trust the cat.
And that is all.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Angry Amy.
First off, I apologize for not replying to those who have so kindly sent me encouraging words and regular responses. I appreciate that.
Secondly, let it be known that if I fail gradschool it will be because of the sheer about of group work that is such a stupidly high percentage of my grades. Let it be known that I send emails and communicate openly and allow time for agreeing on the final version and making changes then my group mate adds a few sentences to the assignment and SUBMITS IT WITHOUT RUNNING IT BY ME. Suddenly I get an email with her portion added in and a note that she went ahead and submitted the assignment.
A WHOLE SECTION OF THE ASSIGNMENT was LEFT OUT. Her portions were measly and weak and pathetically short.
And the administration doesn't want to hear our group work woes. Have I mentioned the "don't be needy" lecture? HAVE I?
Well, if they give me a bad grade I will just have to "be needy' and make it known that sometimes even as adults there are mis-communications. And sometimes there isn't even a chance to point out where more work should be done b/c the other person just goes and submits it without my approval or feedback! I didn't even say I was done with my part I just said, here's what I have done so far, would you please add in the remaining sections of the report? Assuming she would do so and email it back to me. And we'd agree on how to finalize it and THEN submit.
I AM SO ANGRY.
By the way, of COURSE I finished the assignment up, resubmitted it with a polite comment in the comment box of the submission tool stating the first version was incomplete and to please take note of that. Luckily it isn't due til tomorrow so hopefully they will gladly accept the more complete version as it was submitted early.
Still, we could have put a whole other day's work into it!
WTF. GRADSCHOOL CUT THE GROUPWORK SHIT OUT.
I am a communicator, organizer extraordinaire and with other competent people we make great projects, but if I get people who don't even allow for my opinions/thoughts no amount of communication and suggestion will help. duh.
P.S: this is in a huge hundreds of students lecture hall style class. this whole assignment had to be done via email communication. I couldn't pick this girl out of a crowd. For all I know she's an off campus student.
Just so you all know, my head exploded. I did five pages single spaced. She added maybe two mini paragraphs worth of writing. LEAVING HUGE SECTIONS WITH ONLY TWO/THREE SENTENCES. NOT OKAY. The report looks horrible with some sections having whole pages and others a line or two. OMG. OMG.
OMG.
This is horrible. Someone send cookies and hugs and rainbows.
RAWR.
Secondly, let it be known that if I fail gradschool it will be because of the sheer about of group work that is such a stupidly high percentage of my grades. Let it be known that I send emails and communicate openly and allow time for agreeing on the final version and making changes then my group mate adds a few sentences to the assignment and SUBMITS IT WITHOUT RUNNING IT BY ME. Suddenly I get an email with her portion added in and a note that she went ahead and submitted the assignment.
A WHOLE SECTION OF THE ASSIGNMENT was LEFT OUT. Her portions were measly and weak and pathetically short.
And the administration doesn't want to hear our group work woes. Have I mentioned the "don't be needy" lecture? HAVE I?
Well, if they give me a bad grade I will just have to "be needy' and make it known that sometimes even as adults there are mis-communications. And sometimes there isn't even a chance to point out where more work should be done b/c the other person just goes and submits it without my approval or feedback! I didn't even say I was done with my part I just said, here's what I have done so far, would you please add in the remaining sections of the report? Assuming she would do so and email it back to me. And we'd agree on how to finalize it and THEN submit.
I AM SO ANGRY.
By the way, of COURSE I finished the assignment up, resubmitted it with a polite comment in the comment box of the submission tool stating the first version was incomplete and to please take note of that. Luckily it isn't due til tomorrow so hopefully they will gladly accept the more complete version as it was submitted early.
Still, we could have put a whole other day's work into it!
WTF. GRADSCHOOL CUT THE GROUPWORK SHIT OUT.
I am a communicator, organizer extraordinaire and with other competent people we make great projects, but if I get people who don't even allow for my opinions/thoughts no amount of communication and suggestion will help. duh.
P.S: this is in a huge hundreds of students lecture hall style class. this whole assignment had to be done via email communication. I couldn't pick this girl out of a crowd. For all I know she's an off campus student.
Just so you all know, my head exploded. I did five pages single spaced. She added maybe two mini paragraphs worth of writing. LEAVING HUGE SECTIONS WITH ONLY TWO/THREE SENTENCES. NOT OKAY. The report looks horrible with some sections having whole pages and others a line or two. OMG. OMG.
OMG.
This is horrible. Someone send cookies and hugs and rainbows.
RAWR.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Long rambling post about writings and general worries
Today, while browsing something I came across this line:
The stars, I've been told, have never cared for anyone but themselves.
It was a rather sad section of a story, this line was preceded by the narrator looking at the sky and knowing that if the stars were to disappear he would be left with only an expanse of inky blackness. The personification of stars would normally be seen as a bit “mushy” or overly sentimental but I find the tone and content of the line provides a wonderful juxtaposition with the very act of personification. Instead of taking comfort in the presence of the stars and romanticizing their light, the story ends with the narrator unable to take solace in some romanticized notion of starlight shining down on him, providing escape from complete darkness. No, while the preceding line about the starless sky hints at some sort of uplifting realization of the stars presence, the author chooses to part from what one would expect making this line much more powerful. The stars’ personification is not used as a means for the narrator to comfort himself in a moment of pain, but instead gives insight to his jaded character that only sees the stars as unconcerned with his woes. That the character only sees the stars as a detached and unconcerned presence shows an inability to wrap himself in the foolish notion that their light is meant to provide comfort against the dark of night. However, all of this comes from a mere hint in the line above which, through the juxtaposition of an overused, somewhat sentimental writing tool (personification) and a jaded, logical tone shows a man who is either unable or unwilling to find comfort in the world around him. It makes it a much more sad story when the last line is examined for what it may say about the character. So much so that I sat down to examine what I personally thought the line was meant to imply. It also made me want to write. So I began to look up some more inspiring quotes. The below I happened to stumble upon from D.H Lawrence:
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
“I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets”
“It is no good casting out devils. They belong to us, we must accept them and be at peace with them.”
“But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions.”
This small excursion away from my workload made me realize how much I miss writing. Not blogging, as that is hardly an art, but truly expressing myself in an eloquent manner, pondering things. I almost wanted to do a character sketch. So I think I shall. This snippet is based on a girl who walked in front of me for a few blocks today:
She wished she had brought a bag, rather desperately, at that moment waiting to cross the street. At least then no one would see the umbrella clutched in her hand which she held close to her side, as if that would hide the offending object. She was also cursing the brightness of her purple rain boots and the thickness of her obviously-made-for-winter winter coat. Normally they would be a source of smugness, as she defied the elements. She was one of those perpetually prepared people and so of course when the weather promised rain and a high in the low 50’s she donned the appropriate attire. Yet, now she squirmed at the corner of Forbes and Murray, feeling like a fool as the sun shone overhead. The weather for her city had promised rain and yet here the sun shone with white fluffy clouds not two blocks from her house. No one else seemed to have taken any glance at the morning weather report, walking about in light cotton shirts and jeans, not a single hand holding a folded up umbrella. Not even just in case. She cursed them for somehow being more in-tune with mother earth than her (rather useless) weatherman. When the small white walk signal finally appeared she took off for the other side of the street eager to escape what seemed to be the feel of a million stares. Or at least a dozen or so. Trying not to speed walk past the Dunkin Donuts lest she look even more ridiculous, she glanced at her fellow pedestrians. Not a single rain jacket, she mentally cursed Weather.com for causing her to stick out like a sore thumb. She felt it was almost as bad at wearing a sweater to the beach. Passing the commercial portion of the street into the residential area, she sighed with relief at the sudden lack of people also walking down the street. When her house came into view she marveled at how strange it was that a bit of sunshine could make it seem such a welcome relief.
Yes. I noticed this girl today. I could tell she had looked at the weather because so had I. Only I also looked out my window and realized it was horribly wrong. This poor girl had gotten ready and gone outside in good faith however, and was trapped bundled up for trudging through rain…on what actually was a warm sunny day.
However, the quotes also made me rather anxious about my lack of a hobby and waste of time it seems. I always worry that I will get hit by a bus and will have spent the last 6 weeks being rather unhappy, bogged down by schoolwork. I worry that I will be in some tragic accident and realize I have not made the time to do things I love, and see the world around me, and take time off to have some fun. The quote “But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions,” worries me as my life has become monotonous and unexciting. I do not call or see friends. I do not go out. I do not DO much aside from schoolwork.
Isn’t life meant to be more than that? Were we really given a limited about of time on this earth to squander it making ends meet, studying things we don’t want to, and generally not enjoying it?
Sometimes I wonder how justifiable it is to defend this year when I’m really not feeling like I’m living life to the fullest. Should I get hit by a car/bus/train/falling plane, let it be known that I worried about this. And as unlikely as that is, sometimes I wish it didn’t take some terminal disease diagnosis for people to accept putting responsibility aside when you feel you are not doing what you love or enough of what you love or living as it was meant to be. When a person is dying, it seems only then does it become terribly important to get their bucket list done. Until then, it is often put aside in favor of more important things, or worked in only if/when other things have been done.
Go to school, get a job, save money, buy a house, support kids, when that’s done and you retire, then you travel, then you live the life you’ve always wanted to. It's as if one must pay their dues, work hard in order to have their fun. Like you must earn it. I think there is something horribly wrong with this model because it assumes everything will go according to plan and when we are 65/kids are in college/we cash in on savings that presumably still exist, that we can really start to live.
What if we don’t get there? What if the kids move back home, our savings is used for a disaster, we die before we reach 30?
What good has been putting responsibilities first then? And sure, you may say but you can have fun while still tending to your responsibilities, life does not have to be nonstop work. But oh my friend so much easier said than done! Even the best laid plans go awry. And that balance is hard to find. One step over the line and some responsibility has been neglected and you must pay for your fun. There is a thin line and it’s not so easy to find room on the to do list for fun. It sounds so simple, putting aside a little time for some fun, but what if there is simply too much work? Once the schoolwork is done, the chores must be done, groceries must be bought, vacuuming and dishes and laundry, and I am only trying to get what I mean when I say sometimes it’s rather easy to become bogged down by responsibility and put aside fun for later. Even when you plan fun in, it often has to pushed til later. And later. And later.
And then you get hit by a bus and there is no later.
How easily we forget the ephemeral nature of life. Or even worse, we do not forget, and ignore it because we have things that have to get done, ephemeral nature or not! Simply put, in the face of realizing you may die tomorrow, the assignments/rent/bills are still due, food is still not free, and embracing life will just have to wait for when you have more time and money.
This worries me.
The stars, I've been told, have never cared for anyone but themselves.
It was a rather sad section of a story, this line was preceded by the narrator looking at the sky and knowing that if the stars were to disappear he would be left with only an expanse of inky blackness. The personification of stars would normally be seen as a bit “mushy” or overly sentimental but I find the tone and content of the line provides a wonderful juxtaposition with the very act of personification. Instead of taking comfort in the presence of the stars and romanticizing their light, the story ends with the narrator unable to take solace in some romanticized notion of starlight shining down on him, providing escape from complete darkness. No, while the preceding line about the starless sky hints at some sort of uplifting realization of the stars presence, the author chooses to part from what one would expect making this line much more powerful. The stars’ personification is not used as a means for the narrator to comfort himself in a moment of pain, but instead gives insight to his jaded character that only sees the stars as unconcerned with his woes. That the character only sees the stars as a detached and unconcerned presence shows an inability to wrap himself in the foolish notion that their light is meant to provide comfort against the dark of night. However, all of this comes from a mere hint in the line above which, through the juxtaposition of an overused, somewhat sentimental writing tool (personification) and a jaded, logical tone shows a man who is either unable or unwilling to find comfort in the world around him. It makes it a much more sad story when the last line is examined for what it may say about the character. So much so that I sat down to examine what I personally thought the line was meant to imply. It also made me want to write. So I began to look up some more inspiring quotes. The below I happened to stumble upon from D.H Lawrence:
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
“I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets”
“It is no good casting out devils. They belong to us, we must accept them and be at peace with them.”
“But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions.”
This small excursion away from my workload made me realize how much I miss writing. Not blogging, as that is hardly an art, but truly expressing myself in an eloquent manner, pondering things. I almost wanted to do a character sketch. So I think I shall. This snippet is based on a girl who walked in front of me for a few blocks today:
She wished she had brought a bag, rather desperately, at that moment waiting to cross the street. At least then no one would see the umbrella clutched in her hand which she held close to her side, as if that would hide the offending object. She was also cursing the brightness of her purple rain boots and the thickness of her obviously-made-for-winter winter coat. Normally they would be a source of smugness, as she defied the elements. She was one of those perpetually prepared people and so of course when the weather promised rain and a high in the low 50’s she donned the appropriate attire. Yet, now she squirmed at the corner of Forbes and Murray, feeling like a fool as the sun shone overhead. The weather for her city had promised rain and yet here the sun shone with white fluffy clouds not two blocks from her house. No one else seemed to have taken any glance at the morning weather report, walking about in light cotton shirts and jeans, not a single hand holding a folded up umbrella. Not even just in case. She cursed them for somehow being more in-tune with mother earth than her (rather useless) weatherman. When the small white walk signal finally appeared she took off for the other side of the street eager to escape what seemed to be the feel of a million stares. Or at least a dozen or so. Trying not to speed walk past the Dunkin Donuts lest she look even more ridiculous, she glanced at her fellow pedestrians. Not a single rain jacket, she mentally cursed Weather.com for causing her to stick out like a sore thumb. She felt it was almost as bad at wearing a sweater to the beach. Passing the commercial portion of the street into the residential area, she sighed with relief at the sudden lack of people also walking down the street. When her house came into view she marveled at how strange it was that a bit of sunshine could make it seem such a welcome relief.
Yes. I noticed this girl today. I could tell she had looked at the weather because so had I. Only I also looked out my window and realized it was horribly wrong. This poor girl had gotten ready and gone outside in good faith however, and was trapped bundled up for trudging through rain…on what actually was a warm sunny day.
However, the quotes also made me rather anxious about my lack of a hobby and waste of time it seems. I always worry that I will get hit by a bus and will have spent the last 6 weeks being rather unhappy, bogged down by schoolwork. I worry that I will be in some tragic accident and realize I have not made the time to do things I love, and see the world around me, and take time off to have some fun. The quote “But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions,” worries me as my life has become monotonous and unexciting. I do not call or see friends. I do not go out. I do not DO much aside from schoolwork.
Isn’t life meant to be more than that? Were we really given a limited about of time on this earth to squander it making ends meet, studying things we don’t want to, and generally not enjoying it?
Sometimes I wonder how justifiable it is to defend this year when I’m really not feeling like I’m living life to the fullest. Should I get hit by a car/bus/train/falling plane, let it be known that I worried about this. And as unlikely as that is, sometimes I wish it didn’t take some terminal disease diagnosis for people to accept putting responsibility aside when you feel you are not doing what you love or enough of what you love or living as it was meant to be. When a person is dying, it seems only then does it become terribly important to get their bucket list done. Until then, it is often put aside in favor of more important things, or worked in only if/when other things have been done.
Go to school, get a job, save money, buy a house, support kids, when that’s done and you retire, then you travel, then you live the life you’ve always wanted to. It's as if one must pay their dues, work hard in order to have their fun. Like you must earn it. I think there is something horribly wrong with this model because it assumes everything will go according to plan and when we are 65/kids are in college/we cash in on savings that presumably still exist, that we can really start to live.
What if we don’t get there? What if the kids move back home, our savings is used for a disaster, we die before we reach 30?
What good has been putting responsibilities first then? And sure, you may say but you can have fun while still tending to your responsibilities, life does not have to be nonstop work. But oh my friend so much easier said than done! Even the best laid plans go awry. And that balance is hard to find. One step over the line and some responsibility has been neglected and you must pay for your fun. There is a thin line and it’s not so easy to find room on the to do list for fun. It sounds so simple, putting aside a little time for some fun, but what if there is simply too much work? Once the schoolwork is done, the chores must be done, groceries must be bought, vacuuming and dishes and laundry, and I am only trying to get what I mean when I say sometimes it’s rather easy to become bogged down by responsibility and put aside fun for later. Even when you plan fun in, it often has to pushed til later. And later. And later.
And then you get hit by a bus and there is no later.
How easily we forget the ephemeral nature of life. Or even worse, we do not forget, and ignore it because we have things that have to get done, ephemeral nature or not! Simply put, in the face of realizing you may die tomorrow, the assignments/rent/bills are still due, food is still not free, and embracing life will just have to wait for when you have more time and money.
This worries me.
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