I have this very bright, colorful, half sleeve tattoo. It
shows a tree with the seasons changing across it. And around the tree, symbols
of each season become those of the next season. Shapes of butterflies turn to
birds, which turn to leaves, which turn to snowflakes. It’s symbolic of
accepting change and embracing the next phase in life- or the next adventure in
life.
You probably get the general idea, you’re smart people.
Anyway, I got this tattoo after I moved cross country to
Tucson, because I wanted to always remember that embracing a huge, scary change
had brought me such wonderful happiness.
To recap, I came to Tucson and pretty much immediately found
an incredible great guy, great friends, fulfilling hobbies, and everything just
kept getting better and better. The parts I hated, like being stuck working in
a re-purposed closet with no human contact even improved- I was moved to a
spacious office with a window.
By the time I had been in Tucson a full year, I was moved
into my boyfriend’s house, living a life that was the equivalent of
puppies-kittens-rainbows-and-unicorns as far as I could see. We lived right
near a bike path and I would ride my bike alongside a gorgeous view of the
mountains in the morning, and all the people would say Good Morning with a smile,
and they’d all be so friendly. I’d go home and make pancakes for my boyfriend
and I and we’ve have a nice breakfast together. I’d walk the dog along paths
for hours.
We’d go to family dinners each week, we’d grocery shop
together, we’d hike together. Domestic bliss was mine. I could see myself
living like that forever. I looked forward to going home every single day. I
looked forward to everything we did together- even the absolute mundane. As far as I was concerned, everything was as
perfect as could be.
And eventually, somehow, I gradually went from thinking I could live like that forever, to that I would live like that forever. I never really consciously decided this, but…
more or less, I imagined my future in the happy home, surrounded by the family
and happy life we had built together.
I’m sure I am not the first person to get way ahead of
themselves. I was prancing along in my
happy bubble, so enamored with my wonderful, perfect life, that I didn’t
realize that at some point, I guess I was alone in my happy bubble. The happy
bubble of kittens-puppies-unicorns-rainbows-let’s-do-this-forever… well, it had
an occupant of one.
Needless to say, my boyfriend wasn’t miserable (I hope) but
I was simply not his One. You know, The
One.
Again, I’m sure this is also not super unique.
What might have been unique is that he was very considerate
about breaking this to me. He was kind,
and patient, and caring, and he did it the absolute hardest way- facing the
tears, and more tears, and multiple explanations, and the absolute hardest
process- bursting my bubble of completely oblivious joy. And watching me get
hit with an emotional freight train.
And suddenly, I wasn’t just losing a person I loved, I was
losing everything (or so it felt at the time). The family I had come to love,
the place I begun to consider home, my routine, my domestic bliss.
And of course, my job decides to get cut short around this
time, too.
And I obviously have to move out.
And my entire picture of my frolicking-through-life future
is shattered.
And then, change sucked.
I hated change. It brought loss, instability, heartbreak,
and harsh truths and realities. And what’s worse is that everyone who caused
some loss in my life- both in my professional and person life- they were as
considerate as possible about it. They tried to do right by me in every way
possible.
Looking back, I can say I was lucky- even though my entire
life fell apart at the seams and I had to make an entire new plan from scratch
in the middle of my very first heartbreak… it could have been worse. No one wronged me. No one was careless about
my feelings, no one just brushed me off.
The important part is that I, of course, did not see it this
way at the time. Suddenly, I couldn’t remember that whole embrace change thing I had been so enamored with. Gee, I was so naïve.
Change was awful. I wished nothing had ever changed.
But it would have, inevitably, and it probably would have
been a lot messier had people not faced some very hard actions sooner rather
than later- for my sake.
But the point of this story is mostly me learning that experiences
like change aren’t always –oh-my-God-the-best-thing-ever… but that doesn’t mean
they can’t still bring wonderful things. In fact sometimes, even what change is
awful, and hard, and ab-sol-utely-fucking-terrifying, it can (eventually) bring
amazing things.
Now, just shy of exactly four months later I am sitting at
my computer marveling at all the wonderful people in my life that I have gained
through what I thought was losing everything. Yesterday, for my birthday
celebrations I was surrounded by a brother and sister in law I think the world
of, friends who all came out and joined my birthday celebrations, and reminders
of people back home I’ve stayed immensely close to who love me and have stayed
close despite huge geographical differences.
After moving out of my boyfriend’s house and being faced
with a job search, I was sick with heartbreak and stress. I couldn’t sleep, I
was literally sick, and I was terrified of the sudden blank slate that was my
future like it spelled certain doom and misery. Change was not exciting, or
wonderful. It was terrifying.
And I learned the hard way, that yeah, sometimes change is
going to suck. It’s going to be terrifying and sad, but that doesn’t mean it
can’t bring great things. I became so much closer to my friends while I was single.
I focused on building an amazing, close relationship with my brother and sister
in law I hadn’t known until I moved out to Tucson. I faced my fear of
unemployment and found a great job in a place I am so, so, so, excited to move
to in a month. I found two great roommates and a new house to call home. And
then I did it again.
In short, like plenty of people out there have done before
me and will do after me, I picked up the pieces. I eventually moved on. And things are better
than okay. I am insanely fortunate. I have such amazing people in my life who
make me feel loved, and like I will always have a place in this world, even
when it feels like I’ve lost everything.
And even that worst parts aren’t so horrible now that I can
look back on them. I had a very happy relationship that brought me not only a
wonderful guy, but his family, his home, and over a year of my life I will
always look back on fondly. And I’ll have that again someday.
And now, over a year after actually getting my tattoo, I
stand by the whole embracing change mentality- probably more so than I ever
could have when I got it. Because maybe now, next time, even when it’s scary
and awful, and I don’t want it, I can look back on this experience and remember
that really, really good things can come out of bad events.
And, in a way, I’m even glad everything fell apart because
life isn’t so scary anymore. I made it through. I picked up the pieces. I
gained positive from the negative. And if I have to, I know I’ve done it once
and I can do it again.
Funny how things work out in the end.
Happy 25th birthday to me (well, almost, but
three days early still counts). And thanks to everyone in my life who has
inspired the warm, loved, fuzzy feelings that inspire long blog posts musing on
life lessons.
(And you know what? I’m really glad I got that tattoo. )
