I'm not really sure what to write here, I haven't updated this in a while and my last message was rather cryptic.
I suppose it's a simple explanation though. I've been single for a month and a half- I broke off my engagement and Chris moved back home. Whatever emotions came with that were dealt with privately and I don't feel the need to rehash them or revisit them here. It's not what drew me back to this blog. It's not bothering me at the moment either, I am entirely at peace with that decision.
What has been on my mind lately has been my mother, which is no small surprise with Dec 23 drawing closer.
I know that each year I get very upset because it snows and I can't visit her grave on the anniversary of her death because they lie flat and any amount of snow covers them. I never liked the flat graves. It tears me to pieces each year. I wish we could go without a white Christmas just once so I could find her grave. I've heard MA hasn't has snow yet which leads me to foolishly hope maybe this year... but I do believe it's snowing there this weekend. I don't know why it's so important that I visit on the anniversary of her death. Maybe it's because when I miss her the most. It just means more somehow.
I suppose this is awful to say but her death probably came at the worst possible time of year. It's really cruel that my memories of Christmas are my best memories of my mother and she died under two days before Christmas. I tried to put up Christmas decorations in my new place and it was just awful. Christmas will never be the same it seems. I find myself wishing I had her purple scarf to wear around at least. I always get sentimental this time of year. Not her birthday but around the holidays.
My feelings are still a jumble about it. It's never just simple loss and sadness. No, more so than anything I feel immense frustration. Her death seemed to utterly preventable. All the measures we took, the hospitalization, the stays in rehab, the stints of sobriety- if only just once it had worked, or we had gotten one more chance to try it. It wasn't like we didn't see this coming, we saw it years before it happened, which is why there is such a sense of 'what if' when I think about her death. It feels like I will never completely be at peace because it didn't catch me off guard. If only I could tell myself there was nothing anyone could have done. But we had done things, we had been doing things for years...
I've begun telling people it is my life goal not to die an easily preventable death. I tell them I mean by things like texting while driving, or jay walking, or making stupid dangerous choices. But really, around this time of year I wonder if maybe it's just so no one will be missing me after I'm gone and feeling frustrated and angry like this, thinking it could have been prevented, if only...
The frustration is the worst because I try to talk myself out of it, reason with myself but still. The holidays seem forever tainted. I haven't gone Christmas shopping and since I have no money, I most likely wont be able to. I seem to be taking the holidays very passively so far.
I don't know why I felt like writing all this out and posting it would help. It's just made me tired and less inclined to study for my final.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to reclaim Christmas, or it will always remain her holiday in my mind...
